Visiting my grandfathers

It was weird
and absurd.

It was about a week before the usual ritual performance day
on Ching Ming Festival.
"Ritual" a too cold and ruthless word to say.
So,
to show people's missing and torn heart for their dead kinsmen.

It was unusual
and strangely
comforting.

I was quite light-hearted.
Deliberatingly blurting out light jokes and minor talks to lighten up the not-indeed-so-serious atmosphere
among the three of us:
my father, my mother and I.

It was queer.
It was odd.

The grey-cloaked family were wearing smiles
instead of the exaggerated hugh ugly mouths with teeth sticking out.
They looked truthful and sincere!

When did the transformation begin?
I have never noticed that visiting the deaths can be so light-hearted.

Or am I not good enough not sad enough.
No
No
No
I know I was doing just so right.
They wanted me to
They still want me to

I love you.
Yeayea
I miss you
Gunggung

Ashes are kites.
Fire is my affection.
Incense your smell had been gradually transformed.
I murmur nothing as I bow and say...
speak into your ears.
Both of your elf's ears.
So big that they can contain any words we say.
So hollow that they allow streams of words to pass through.

The pictures so familiar.
The pictures so distant.
Not blurring
but clearing itself.
To Settle and precipitate.
To become clear and clearer,
the clearest crystal ever after.

Exchanging Heads

Intractable me who insists
in getting a new essay started
oh, even if my head got stuck
she shares my imperfection resistance

In spite of my possible and probable failure
effort and outcome are complex
The third attempt can be careless
at least it is delivered

Helpful, but seemingly cool teacher
with a clever and smart brain in her skull
keep criticizing indeed tipping me through
the difficulties-and-tears mixture

The stubborness residing under the hair
so that you are self-satisfied
the target of perfection never met
Such vague idea may not be borne if you have care

Or you still cling to the past
teacher who was merciful and less demanding
or complimented easily but was not pushing
urges for improvements did not last

long enough ...

too tired to write onwards...
><

Back to life

Jesus Christ,
i have been wasting time on that irretrivable thing.
i hope my last vow really works from now on
No more bangbang from the failed love
yupyupyup
i have failed my first love.
but SO WHAT!!!!

i am having a temperature
feeling dizzy...

In a bid to avoid hearing bad words from the doctor,
i have decided to go to the school clinic without asking for a doctor certificate
which means, i will go when i am not supposed to be having a lesson
everybody in CUHK knows that students have been playing sick to get a pass to skip lessons.
hahahahahaha

ummumm.
really, cannot be sick
cause i am going to haagendaz on sunday with my cousins and aunt and uncle
i should not lower the temperature by putting an icy scoop into my mouth.
yupyup, i assure myself that.
and, a midterm is ahead
i dun want to deal with it with a dizzy head
or i will play anita mui's song in my head again
which is
no good

and, i dun want to work on the most tiring ceng with a dizzy head and runny nose
i dun want to stain papers with my sneeze
yuck
talking about ceng
I HAVE GOT AN A- FOR ANNIE HALL
jesus christ
i cannot believe it, really
it seems that jee really demands a lot
but she understands well we are not up to standard yet
she appreciates "fairly good" things
and that's good enough for me.
indeed, she still criticized a lot saying this is not enough, that is not concrete in the paper
however still, she marked it A-.!!!
it was uneasy to have her as your tutor,
but she really pushes you
so hard that you have to move forth.
it's great

BUT, i am being depressed on the other paper of ceng
currently working on the poetry essay.
do i need to change my thesis statement?....
i want a happy easter
when i can hang out a bit with friends
refresh myself

yesterday night i taught my mum how to text a sms
she is a quick learner
she sent my funny message last night
(as a test/challenge for her)
and this morning
she sent me another
she's brilliant~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!

my new vow

embrace your new life
god knows what's in front of you
you can never guess who will bump into you the next day
so
as long as you trust yourself
your ability your charm
why prison yourself in the shadowy valley that is stinky
look forward to a better life, a better guy
his role in your life has shrunken.
keep away from being drunk

be good to yourself
be kind and generous to him
but clink to him no more

It is miserable

I really hate myself today
for being so unable to control myself
I have once again make those ugly spells
at the feeble innocent wrinkled maid
She has done something out of date
but yet not severe enough to overturn all of her past good
deeds, maybe, scolding her is like a punishment to myself rather than to her I should
have seen it in the other way round: both of us ache

The true thing, the miserable core I intend to tell
is, I have imprisoned myself in the open land
with no bars, no strong men
to lock me up in the the bare, just, only dessert, stamping on nothing else but sand
itchy sand, which was once water
only after we have drained too much that it becomes so dehydrated
me so frustrated, tired
the best is to stay in the gutter
Alas, love and everything in everywhere stale

miserable, cause I only have narrow vision on love staleness
what else?

Self-Defense Mechanism

Starting to know what is true and what is illusion that caused by the inner false me.
it's self defense
trying to blind and lie to myself what is just the opposite of the truth
he has not suffered as you thought or wanted him to be
walking in dark and shady times

i should let go
not only the scrounge but also the silly so called faith or belief

starting to realize the great of family and marriage
too strong they are when compared to the too fragile puppy love

I used to hate the word "puppy" in puppy love
it seems to indicate the fault and immaturity and deny any possible bliss of first love
I used to truly believe that puppy love is no different to "dog" love
whatever you call it
reluctant to describe
why the hell are there the differences!

Only until I have come across it
have i discovered what's its true nature
just a miniature of love
too minimal
too small indeed it is

Entertainment

I am thirsty
In thirst for entertainment
I am thinking about leaving everything important or urgent or whatever it is
Sneak to Hollywood and put a knife by the ticket seller's throat
cry in a hoarse and broken and threatening voice
"Gimme a ticket of Enchanted at three fifty five!"

Everybody around would then twist their neck and show their twisted face
on which written the bloody hell big "what the hell" word
Hey
It's la drollery

I am craving
Crave for something really big and unexpected by whoever it is
Something out of ordinary
yet appreciated by those who consider themselves equally extraordinary
It's superb
as superb as the club sandwich I have had on last friday
It should be good
It's just the bad time and bad place you have had it
The stomach was not in the mood to accept the adorable gift

Hu
Daydream time done
Assignment's ahead on ya desk

I think this is quite true, cause I have the 2 Xs and you have XY

When she walks away from you mad
[ Follow her ]

When she stare's at your mouth
[ Kiss her ]

When she pushes you or hit's you
[ Grab her and dont let go ]

When she start's cussing at you
[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]

When she's quiet
[ Ask her whats wrong ]

When she ignore's you
[ Give her your attention ]

When she pull's away
[ Pull her back ]

When you see her at her worst
[ Tell her she's beautiful ]

When you see her start crying
[Just hold her and dont say a word ]

When you see her walking
[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]

When she's scared
[ Protect her ]

When she lay's her head on your shoulder
[ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]

When she steal's your favorite hat
[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]

When she tease's you
[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]

When she doesnt answer for a long time
[ reassure her that everything is okay ]

When she look's at you with doubt
[ Back yourself up ]

When she say's that she like's you
[ she really does more than you could understand ]

When she grab's at your hands
[ Hold her's and play with her fingers ]

When she bump's into you
[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]

When she tell's you a secret
[ keep it safe and untold ]

When she looks at you in your eyes
[ dont look away until she does ]

When she misses you
[ she's hurting inside ]

When you break her heart
[ the pain never really goes away ]

When she says its over
[ she still wants you to be hers ]

When she repost this bulletin
[ she wants you to read it ]



- Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go

- When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her

- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up

- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.

- Tease her and let her tease you back.

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.

- Give her the world.

- Let her wear your clothes.

- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

- Let her know she's important.

- Kiss her in the pouring rain.

- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking babe?"

New Men

Not saying that I have gotten into a new relationship
But I've found men other than you who can lessen my heaviosity
Prevent it from aggravation
Lest it would drown me to exhaustion

And
Eh
Sorry
Sorry I should have said
Apology I shold have spat
It is not you I shoulg have blamed
It should not be myself who pained
Unreasonably and ridicuously I have made it a mess
it has turned bad turned sour and it's now a gag
Geez
What am I babbling about
Don't shout
Spit a spittle
You spittlebug
Yuck

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Vincent van Gogh's hypergraphia

I thought this was the way out
but all it did was only to engulf
This is not a medicine
They are ecstasy and heroin
Equally addictive
Equally ready to kill me