茫然。unconclusive

竟然在出發的 前五個晚上如此茫然

「明」知道是短短的兩個月
卻因為事情、政治變化太急太劇烈
   一日都嫌多
過去的幾星期 為印證
things escalated fucking quickly

every fucking thing

every fucking where


是潛意識要讓自己 mentally prepared 嗎？


是有如要從「太平地」返回戰 地的感覺
正如要從相對太平地返回危難 地的狀態
精神
心理

病毒恐怖，乃人 禍
人貪無恥，政治災害，更為人禍

damn hard to be an optimist at times like this
i thought i was good


i could stop paying attention
or pay less attention


it's so painful to be wong-si

明之不可為而為之
勇氣 何來

來自
not having a choice

我想諗埋你嗰份

家姐


真係好似牙肉酸痛般無力

亡國的人自說

朋友說：
亡國大概就是這種感受

yes
but i thought no

what an assuming question it was
he asking me
if i was happier having migrated

this is not migration
i didn't intend it to be

...

he meant well

***

what feels right to do is to stay on the side of the deathbed
who knows maybe she can make it
maybe she won't
but it feels right to be by the deathbed
in these last hours
years that can feel like hours
or weeks that feel like seconds

it took two weeks

maybe it's not accurate that i am by the deathbed, and not on it
collectively we are on it

***

how to mourn
i am at a loss how to mourn
i don't quite have anyone to mourn with me here
maybe this is mourning
probably group mourning is exhausting
but we don't not do exhausting things because sometimes we can't help it, do we?

or maybe this is breaking oneself
maybe it's better to go numb a bit and focus on the not-dead
"it's not too bad"

and as he said disengaging (or not participating) is another form of suffering
is not thinking about it a real option?
it sounds so incredibly wrong
this is a right or wrong...

nathan

***

we all do to the extent we can

nathan

***

we all do to the extent we can

i will keep reassessing what extent suits me

i have with me a short term one

it's alright to not know and not have a preference what and where i am in a year or two's time

it's good to get to run ideas through friends and be challenged and it's okay to change

but i would have been so comfortable with sticking to my own plan - had i been able to stay more oblivious to the 'potential consequences'

sometimes we really don't want to know, even though we may need to - or do we need to?

sometimes some things just feel like the right thing to do, even though they don't get thought of the same way. is this not true

but i need to remember that having unprotected sex may bring me a child
i have no idea how fertile or infertile i am

or maybe it's ok to become a mother

we all mother （救國）
in our own conceived ways

條命

***

maybe i really want to be back