i am really sorry but am really not convinced when you say you're sure we will meet or we can talk / plan about meeting. because history has shown that it didnt work.
i recall looking at plane tickets to addis and you said you were writing your thesis and that i would be a distraction, and you went to helsinki but not london. somehow, just somehow, it never worked. i have absolutely no grounds to believe that it will however much i wish it would.
i sound so blamey that even i can't stand myself. bitterness. i am probably truly blamey, and i hate myself for that. but i also know that am at least 50% why we haven't met - i wasnt persistent enough.
i have to love myself more than you. sorry, but it's only right for me to choose not to believe because i have to protect myself first, before i can be or do anything including loving you and building us. for now i have no choice but to protect myself against you, protect myself against believing the unlikely idea that we will reunite, ever.
us is just too thin a possibility. it's airy. it must sound harsh but sometimes its airiness makes me doubt if us has even ever existed.
i am broken.
wasnt about betrayal, but my trust issue hangs, partly because of you. because of us.
***
perhaps all we like has always just been the concept of us, not really us sharing a life in reality.
i fretted over not getting to see you not having a plan to meet two years ago, and, two years have passed, now i can't help but learnt a lesson - to guard myself against believing the unlikely.
i put down your guards you said, and you have put mine on. sad.
