last year this time, i was soaked in tears. i was panicking. there was so much uncertainty. the saga - i should really write it. end of dec wasn't the worst, nov and beginning of dec was. being deprived of agency - was it the first time ever in my life that i had that?
i thought i coped well in different situations, i thought i could adapt and adjust my point of view. i thought i function well under constraints. i thought i could almost always have the half full attitude. but it was a really god damn depressing time.
i hated my work project. i felt i wasn't contributing properly. i wasn't at ease around the people i was around at that time. and i was about having no way to change anything.
and end of year felt like the pressure cooker. the vibe was, supposedly jolly. it wasn't. it was covid lock down winter cold and short day light time. it was constantly cloudy. people pretended to be jolly. it was customary to be. i didn't feel like i had anyone around.
to be fair, kind people were still around. but they weren't my gang. they weren't enough my people.
anthony was a bit around, but he was also about 6,000kms and 7 or 8 hours away. he was doing all he could. it kept me from collapsing.
i was having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. i don't think i ever had that.
*
and then in the new now old year of 2021, through maylis and france, leaving my job, and a few funny episodes, i was back in hong kong. oh gosh. thank god. i was back in hong kong. in february, i was back in hong kong, most of it in quarantine. but it was such massive relief. i was sick at the beginning, but i know i was healing already. just being out of all that, i was healing, maybe a little bit through scaring. but i stopped bleeding. i did think i might never will.
was 2019, 2020 or 2021 better?
2019 was amazing actually, for me personally. not so much the people the community and the society
2020 was fine too. jan-mar was a bit of a bumpy transition into a new job, but apr to sep/oct was amazing. and i love that it was different. i made the leap and it was different from the majority of my work life. maybe covid made it even more different and even memorable. annoyingly memorable. i did make lemonade out of lemons. the lemonade was, bitter sweet. The taste was alright, but i like the taste being different.
2021, is a year of recovery. and love too. definitely recovery by love. first by maylis, and then my family. anthony. and friends. many friends from css.
ma gave me a lot of understanding. i moved out. i moved again. i am soaked in love, feeling more "infatuation"
january - paris with maylis y guillaume. so much kindness so much love. she saved me when i was wrecked. we shared the cooking duties and we made food together. we played board games, different ones. we had galette (des rois) many times. i picked up having a sweet thing after savoury. it was a lot of cheese and bread. they were amazing. i visited placed. the forest and the château. maylis and i did yoga every day. about every tuesday i got to talk to anthony on the phone. there was a film episode, and false positive, and rearranging flight and hotel, a bit of scarce about... hk closing off to france.
february - mostly in quarantine. there was baby purple from anthony, vegetarian turnip cake from rach, online book club with wenny and kind souls. oh i think i got on clubhouse too. first thing out of quarantine, it was breakfast with anthony. and then ma and dad picked me up from the quarantine hotel. ah. my cny was at the hotel. it was not bad. i was doing quite well in the three weeks, except for one day. (i was looking at my calendar and i started visiting the detainee the day after i got out of Q !
march... i was applying to jobs? also taking a break i guess. did i start part time in late march or when. it was so nice to be backed. things had changed. new kind people i met. (oh i was looking at my calendar and i was helping with iris's project. it was funnn. And then there was visiting porpor. and then there was kaman's wedding. And then i started going to master mo for qigung treatment. there was also a lot of catching up with friends <3)
and then there was april. i suppose i was working, and looking for work. (wow i met Sarav lol. and then soon i was farewelling him? and ah bo. met up with and arranged cluedo with Q survivors )
(over the months there were small things like getting small appliances fixed and managing insurance policies lol)
and, when did i move to hsk? was it in april or may, or june? (it was april i think) ah, i guess i was spending more time with ma, preparing for the move.
jun was... starting at central LOL the rest was... a lot about the project, which was quite a lot working late nights and on the weekend. i started staying a few nights in hotels for a few weeks. the perks of it was getting to host LOL. it was testing and failing the plan to live in hsk LOL. oh i had my driving written test on jun too haha!
but i got july too, which was attending maylis's wedding where i met kevin. on return it was a short quarantine.
aug and sep were... hectic? oct was less so? oh i moved into my new place in aug ! (so from aug i started having a better ___ and love life :-)) #content
and, in aug, porpor passed away. funeral was in sep
and then in sep i was doing the oxfam application, and then we didn't get it; yousuf jennifer (bibi) zubin foundation someone someone for feedback pilnet pixel action - it wasn't too few things. and then in oct/ nov we were doing se challenge. boot camp submission and more. (i guess sep - oct was less busy at work work...)
that's about it?
it wasn't too little things huh.
*
maybe we need this illusion of the year or the day being new. as if the past can stay in the past. i use it for sectioning.
i hope i could sleep well tonight.
"我希望你會有一張decent啲嘅被。" he said
