this one question that i keep contemplating, that i keep coming back to - yes the answer would change, but i need to keep asking to guide myself
what do i want?
at some point i wanted to learn
at some point i thought i would learn by experiencing more
when i was a kid i wanted my parents' attention; and my teachers'; and my friends' and my lovers'
now i don't want to lose time
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the learning curve is flattening, or i know i can't rush learning. it needs time
experience is not just what is happening in my day to day; it is also how i react to it, emotionally - what goes on in my head, and my mind and my heart. how my soul reacts to it, hopefully mostly keeping calm even though sometimes uncalm is fine too, as long as it peaces itself, later, somehow
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am i losing time doing this corporate job?
yes and no. yes... is i suppose i could be doing something else, potentially more rewarding something that plays more to my strength, that potentially, in my eyes more "impactful" - but how well do my eyes judge? no... is i suppose this is another world that i ignore to engage with that is turning and influencing so many people even without me taking part - why wouldn't i get to learn a bit more of its logic and engineering? i may still prefer the old world but the old world doesn't exist in a vacuum...
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it's not bad to take a break from the old world.
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and i am a bit enjoying the love time
that i am quite a bit worried about passing and wilting. but i need to trust that it is lively. it will teach me how to grow with it and dance with it, sometimes slow and sometimes at a joyous beat
