I recently had a fight with my mum. It went quite well.
It started from discrepancies in our memories, or maybe miscommunications. There was disappointment. There was me trying to right her wrong. There was us not being sensitive to one another's needs and wants, both emotional and physical.
I was very calm.
And without thinking much about my calmness, I was weaponising my calmness - so my wise friend told me afterwards. Yes it was weapon, one was upset and the one person being "so calm" and almost indifferent to the other person's anger. My friend mentioned deference.
My sister was handling it, by telling us to stop provoking one another. I didn't think I was provoking my mum. I knew she was provoking me. I suppose she felt I was provoking her, and she was "making revenge". Juvenile. Both of us 😂 [ But also loving. You will see why ]
Eventually I was convinced by my sister that I was wrong (or immature? maybe submature lol), at least about one thing: that I was previously already upset once about this one thing mum did, and I should (could) have gotten over it. Why did I keep trolling her (and extend her feeling bad?)
Anyway. Fine 😂
I said sorry to her, with a silly smiley face full of embarrassment - how else do I sorry. I am not good at doing anything outside of 1/ this and 2/ breaking down crying. How can I arrive it being calm, sincere, and not crying?
In the first 30 seconds after my shady apology, she was still pissed off. I felt unforgiven. I should know that she needed time to process it and let it in to soothe up.
But I was too fragile and thin-hearted to be able to think straight. I was crying because I felt unforgiven. "What else do you need me to do now," it was blowing up in my head. Being grade-quite-good overthinker, I was playing "ok you can disown me" in my head. #drama
15 minutes in, she was serving me food. I knew it passed, at least on a good track to.
***
It was, emotional. A bit of a drama. Did we think it was a bad episode?
No, it was but an excellently good episode, because how rare do we show and wash one another with more such intense emotions, even emotions that feel rough and whelming. And true emotions are precious.
It was effective communication 😆 as my wise and dear said. More good and also some sub good but still wonderful effects. Even not good effects are effects, hence effective. But it was indeed pretty good, really good effects.
Wonderful because it was memorable. Memories that we will cherish. We will miss getting to fight with one another, over silly things. Because we have one another. Because it comes from us still trying to communicate, to get into and onto one another, even if it's crossing one another.
Because we aren't pathetically too polite towards one another. Manners, that comes from mental distance and unfamiliarity.
I am grateful for the fight. Let's fight again when we are in good places. Let's also love and hug when we feel like 🤗🤗
