i'd rather crawl on men

fingertips prowling in the thin air just above the keyboard
yup
exactly
i want to type something out of my blank mind

cactus is not the right word
but the c-thick thin has grown days after days on my fingers
not rightly tips
the position of the fingerprints\
callus it is called

it is transparent
yellows as it thickens
toughens
and
deprive your sensitivity as it empowers
layering up

i remember it on my papa's hand
nein my mama's

oh
they are complements of wrinkles
each of which spreads on each sex
wrinkles on women
callus on men

while i got both

i'd rather crawl on men
=]

i love pairing things up

mein schön freund

you are outstanding i think you know
you are exceptionally insightful and mature i think you know

you remain unbent in difficulties
you keep to yourself in unfavourable situations
take and treat with apparent ease and lightened heart

you are progressive
possibly sprinkled with diligence
undoubtedly added is your intelligence and sophistication

you dont know how you've stirred me up

to me you are like an authority
not as strict
yet as precise and accurate
to me you are like a real "gut" book
penetrating
ponderable
make me cant help keep reading on
your blog you life

the way you live
the way you treat things

we are distant i know
physical distance is minimal

it is the speechlessness i held at my throat
the blankness i coloured on my forehead
i spelled when we "chatted" that i found it bruising

i swam in the shallow water bay while
you sunbathed nextdoor in repulse bay

immensely you fill your soul
live without regrets i know you will

confidence
apprehension
tactful
tasteful
youthful




shoot my renaissance papier.../_\

Change

People are scared of undergoing changes
people are scared of being stagnant in progression

nein, the two statements are not contradictory
it is the direction of changes that makes the difference

as early as i begin to have my own brain(i mean the time when i feel like something of my own started to appear in my mind)
i told myself that people are always conscious
conscious of themselves
conscious of others, sometimes
conscious of rights and wrongs

so when somebody does something indecent
it is himself or herself who bears the (whole) responsibility
to be, like penalized, or deal with the aftermath
i did not see any so called the grey area in life

back to what i intended to say
before becoming an university student
i was quite annnoyed by possible tags people put onto CUHK students
you know
like those overly extravagent slogans we heard in orientation camps
and people love comparing street wise and studious idiots
am i too bookish?

when i was a child
i would probably be very proud to be an egghead
loaded in the head theories and secretively dissect the world all in one's mind
without leaking a clue to the normalities
they wouldnt understand anyway round, dont they?

but now, quess what
everyone is indeed nothing more than a common mortal
einstein, da vinci, whoever you name
it's pointless to be a genius or a saint in solitude
happier life i now prefer to own, to live, to lead
to share

back to what i intended to say
so my values has changed, has been changing, will go on changing

just this sunday night my mum said to me that i have changed
(i guess quite drastically or she would not have mentioned it)
at times as a secondary school girl to now a college girl

the reason behind the change
i think I can tell
is not the switch in identity of study life
that creates or that triggers
i think she knows

so i should have no more sore
truly, thank you



GEEZ, CANNOT RHYME...
HAVE BEEN DEFICIENT IN POEMS

Currently reading: Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult
Waiting in line: Hong Kong Stories by David TK Wong
Sherlock Holmes

shutting by speaking with another tongue

this is something i have always wanted to do:

in face of annoyance
either if they are telephone calls from salesperson, worse we have recorded mechanic sound tracks, telling you loads of promotion plans and thrushing cold and rapid strings of words into your ears, all of which are not applicable to you or are unnecessary to you
or if it's enthusiastic young people you meet on streets trying to "interview" you, followed by drawing out a new product in promotion, asking you to try and BUY. usually they say it doesn't take long. the truth is, pass them by or ignorance makes the shortest time consumed. the simplest and the easiest way, always.

today what i met was a little better,
a charitable organization, NGO, a branch from UN aims at helping refugees.
just glimpsing at the name of the org impresses me (dunno why i trust/mistrust UN things a lot)

to try to escape from his stopping and talking
(cause i was not in the mood to hear preaches)
i replied him in english...XD
"Sorry, I have to go now" with a trembling voice
tremble because I knew at heart that what I was lying,
to be more accurate, i was hiding XD, covering my true self, pretending as another: with a foreign tongue, nay joyce.

out of my expecting his "oops" and "sorry"
he then said "Do you speak Chinese?"
"Yes" and "No" I answered simultaneously, the former from mouth, latter at heart

Christ
this is the wrong answer i should not have given from reflex.
REFLEX...OMG
what he then kept babble about were all in MANDARIN.
XD
"it doesnt cost much"
"it shows your good and kindness"
"all the little money voices your tremendous support"
"just $150 helps hundreds of refugees, women and kids"

while he was giving his hundred and ten percent to convince me,
my mind was wandering, me heart confessing and the line of
"It's a good chance to practise Madarin" run across my sight
like subtitles we see on TV

how cold hearted
compared to the heat and insistence of the boy.
I am sure he's a good swimmer
cause he's able to speak without a pause

probably he noticed my bored-out and helpless face
between one or two super long paragraph(s) he stopped to see me nod
there were also questions i had to answer, in mandarin, ofcourse.

i dont know why the hell was I actually doing this,
standing under UV10, playing the role play game with him
did i move?
or was i just too shy to interrupt?
was i about to sign the donation form?

i dont know

the whole story probably shows my being terribly cold-hearted and unkind
a girl teasing at an enthusiastic boy
maybe he was doing voluntary work without getting a pay for it!
god knows.


at last, i did not
partly it's because of his aggressiveness
i felt like he tried to hold my hand and order me sign
partly because i didnt know if i have the money to do such kind of monthly donation
undoubtedly my family is capable
but what's the point claiming of the donation while the money comes from my parent's pocket?
they are doing it through their own way already!

you say it an excuse?

i only remember the swings, and the one who pushed the swing

simply cause it's close to the place i went to teach
i revisited the place i lived before i was 8

i dont know if it was equally crowded or noisy or dirty
but it belongs to men, the men who dwells and the men who cries and shouts
the women who have long faces busying packing and running their lives.
i mean, doing businesses or collecting coins or handing out foods or
everything
indeed to make life workable and sustainable

whenever i revisit old place or visit a new place
despite i am always aiming at looking out and exploring more,
i have a super fast pace
i dont know what to do if i do not feel like "jogging"
i mean
i feel like a stranger to the place
this is just not my place
and i do not allow and god forbid me to stay
i am afraid to be noticed that i take pictures
i am afraid to be asked for directions
i have to put a label on my forehead stating my identity as a passer-by

it's weird it's strange
8 years out of 19-20 years is not a short time for me to say

i imagine my growing up there
the truth is i never dare to think
i become one of them? ??

i have never find another person who is as self conscious as I do
or i can put it this way:
i am too self conscious that i have not paid attention to others
investigating if they are conscious of themselves.
is this
like
selfishness?

i took lots of pictures though i was in haste today
cause i know from heart that the place is going to be reconstructed within the coming years

monumental and big things i perceived in the past become small and too usual to care about
have i become stiffer at heart?

i wanted to meet an old friend
to link me to connect me to this the other world
geez i am sure no one recognizes me

recollecting memories is sweet
realizing the disconnection is
i dont know
perplex a too non-perplex word to say

i love all my past
though they seem far
they are parts of me.
they make me into what i am today
and i love me

by the way
it's to kwa wan

Gozzilla

Ei, Gozzilla is you
because you name is similar.

But dont get offended
cause I love Gozzilla the mix of Gorilla and Chimpanzee.

manly,
comforting
the perfect company
my best-loved companion

whom i knew 5 years ago
whom i 'll continue to cling to for the rest of my life

i was thinking about becoming your bridesmaid
or you becoming mine

i was thinking about if you will get somebody else
i was thinking about if i will then be at rage

for these how stupidly and minor trivialities
for relations are not titled
titles as a way of presentation and delivery
nothing to do with affection and love and truth and faith in heart.

my dear friend
i wish you all the best

to be continued

when i transcend from a form girl to a year girl
when i have tasted and kept the tongue for romantic love in
and uses well my teeth to chew and tear with pressure and pleaure
other forms of love
i receive more
i gain even more