con't: maybe i should also write my obituary and tombstone notes

buried below the jerk who lived in her fantasy
at almost all times
ha

my living funeral: i want to live in a spider web

if i have the medicine the priest has given juliet
i would have courageously swallowed it
for i am really curious about my own funeral

being unsure of my religion
i think my parents may put it in the traditional chinese tao style
with the yellow cloaked people murmuring something no one actually understands
they will be playing merry-go-round round the ash pit or my coffin
the funniest part is when they cry out something like
dragon, cock and tiger
turn your back to avoid misfortune

the incense will burn
the smoke will fill the room
people choke and sneeze and cough and weep
tissue passing
and the paper gold paper maid paper mobile paper house paper bridge paper mahjong paper
paper whatever i will not need
do not aggravate global warming
why don't every of you write me a letter and send me by burning
it this is the way the post office of my future world works
a few words will be sufficient
i look for the only word --"love"
ha - to lessen environmental problem
now send an email is perfect

people coming in and bow
or pray
i wish you are not scared to enter the tiny room behind chinese altar
in which i may be tranquilly lying on the freezing cold marble or glass or what stage
with terribly heavy makeup put on
eyes shut
i wish i have been eyelined by someone i love
dare not to think a stranger violently painting me
do any of you kind enough to put the make up on for me
as if i am alive and you helping me look good in a ball or a party?
eye lining, the skill i dont think i will acquire when i am alive
and
nude face will be very enough to cover the deadly white

i wish i will be in a long gown no skirt or short pants a long plain gown is best no extravagent floral or polka or stripe or check please

or if it's gonna be held in a small chapel
with candles all around
unsteadily blown by flowing air by everybody's heavy breaths
lit but not bright
the comfortable and sad light
unlike the too strong the flash the lighning the scare and blinding burst
responding to people's unsteady and saddened heart
people in white are slipping skating like angels and ghosts
hymns sung but unheard
crux hung but unnoticed
hung is my black and white picture
to be looked at
to be sighed at
for your rememberance
i wish you remember

the place being solemn and sad
maybe a few giggles may leak out when people talk about my dumbness at times
how bold and bold in an unspeakable way i have been

who will be visiting?
i want everybody who is or was my friend
everyone i love and loved
and every one who love and loved me
yes
including past friends and lovers
please do come
cause it's never my wish to end the flow of love
the villain is time

the Wongs and Lis
and mates and teachers from cwk, pyc and cuhk
yes teachers too
if you have ever cared to help me the dumb and stubborn head
the arrogant and self-centred kid
i won't admit these till the day i die i wish

oh
how i want to have the clever medicine
to fake death and play the biggest joke ever
forgive me if one day i trick everyone
please do forgive me
it's only because i want to know how i am loved
it's only because i am feeling all alone and wants to make you aware of my existence
i need to be recognised and treasured and loved
so do you dont you dont every creature on planet earth

grave and cemetry and tomb and tombstone and so on symbolizing death
and bringing forth the idea of life
make people be aware of their lives
make people reflect and count their lives
make people awake and be conscious of living

i will be playing juliet
and romeo will be tragically dying for juliet has killed the spiritual him by faking death will he?
to live for and to be lived for

a fantasy of a female student

i cannot remember how many times i havefallen in love with male teachers...
let me count...



just this morning i experienced heated blush
again
you were talking about something i cannot perceive
while i was stealing glimpses from
you timid face
so mallow i think i could find two huge clouds of marshmallow under your dimples
the damp warm pink cave i wondered and i wandered i wanted to stay


the confidence you show did not bring me to your words
it exposes your charm you caught me flying out of class

i tried to concentrate on what i am expected to listen to

i distracted myself by focusing your hands
how nimble they were waving at me
the claw you made packed me in
warum hast du so grosse hände?
you waved the way a magician waves
to draw a real bunny out of a hat to fascinates a kid like me


once and again i fell in love with the impracticle and impossible magician
and i somehow love being in such a fantastic and insecure state
how i have thrown myself the warfare frontline
be burnt into ashes

from eve to adam - the altered bond

Eve the tempter
the serpent the incarnation of satan
Eve the masquerade of the serpent in the garden of eden
so
are women born to be evil?
in film noir the black woman in the shadow
hidden under her bonnet
the weaker but tempting
the evil but desirable
the wrecked to be conquered
the female land to the colonised
like hongkong


is hong kong intrinsically a female if it has to have a gender?
see its being indecisive
see its being glamourous
see its laying posture upon its mother's or master's shoulder
mum is mum
breastfeed it cannot help but a must
god has appointed their parental relationship
master
or the vallain if you like
victor i call him
being the great
(well you know the Great Britain is literally Great)
he has done more than just ruling the tiny place for quite some while
but has successfully infused its culture its values its mindset its almost everything except the monarch system into this place
right

we indeed needed it
we were sick patients weeping on the sickbed waiting for such injection
the doctor gave us the doctrine the direction
we are to obediently adopt the predestined physical therapy
(predestination is the key)


everything you own you do not usually treasure
so after less than a century
while the disciple felt like having pulled out everything his master has
while the master felt enough and did not want to play for any longer
while the landlord has squeezed the towel to desert-dry
the two got apart


your desire i know you have secretly told
men either the toad
or the frog children prefer listening to the quak-quak prince
quak-quak
quak-quak
quake-quake
quake-quak here and there
hop and sublime
in a greenish yellow mist it is pulled longer, a little wider, heavier
it turns into manly prince
is this Adam?
as Adam in genesis
if evolution is correct could human has descended from an amphibian?

Responses to Randy Pausch

4.
"I won the parent lottery"
- Oh! Randy, me too! I am born to be a winner of significant but insignificant matches. i have a huge edge of advantage over so many people. and only until you've put the parent lottery idea in my mind that i have recognised it as a lottery. ha, so have i already lost some of the money? have i not claimed it? right!!!!! i should have utilize the big sum of gift and do some good for myself and others. and you are the staff at Jockey Club.

12.
"How long before i die?" "You probably have three to six months of good health"
- This is not the cliche telling people to live as if they do not have much more to live, but the way the tact you ought to adopt when facing downsides. asking of when i am dying, you tell me how long i am gonna live. this is tiny but mastery. Randy also told me about the same way Disney tells its visitors..."we are open til ___". right, there is the idea of happy opposition and contrast


14.
"My sister, Tammy, had to put up with the ultimate know-it-all brother. I was always telling her what to do, as if our birth order was a mistake that I was incessantly trying to correct"
- i have been wondering if my sis's gonna beat me when she read this. haha. wait before you thump over to my room. well, this line is a trigger, not an ultimate answer i have to humbly admit. you are definite the big sister la~it's the masculinity in me that makes me seems bigger in limited aspect...and most importantly, i want to remain the smaller sis. LOL

"Randy, it's such a shame that people perceive you as being so arrogant, because it's going to limit what you're going to be able to accomplish in life" = "Randy, you're being a jerk"
- so it is valid to say arrogance reduces people. stop fantacising that people would forgive your arrogance even if you are talented or intelligent or smart or whatever good qualities smaller than modesty. arrogance alone make you miserable.


18.
"Not everything needs to be fixed"

-this was not true to me, but it's becoming truer now. just...you never know if fixing do something even more harm or not. from my and men's point of view, a problem not mentioned can mean this is not a problem (yet?). aiya...this is really a fuss. i still cannot make it. while in some other cases, it is only when you acknowledge and face the problem that the problem has the chance to be solved. so...you see...there's always grey area and you dont know which is the right way, both are sensible and both holds, so quarrel never ends if the two party insisted. maybe, ignoring is the best resolution. haha

23.
"It's never to early to delegate"
time REALLY flies


36.
"When you're frustrated with people, when they've made you angry, it's just may be because you haven't given them enough time"
-remembering how my impression of one my my friends has changed over time, this certainly stands. i believe that everyone including psychos and freaks has good sides, even if minimal in your eyes, they can be magnificient in some others' eyes. so, here lies only the problem of perspective and chance, not the issue of presence or absence. be positive, man


37.
"When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's relly simple. Just ignored everything they say and only pay attention to what they do"
- this has some true i think, the problem lies or if you really see truly what they do XD


38.
"The reason cliche are repeated so often is because they're so often right on the money"
this i have commented


55.
"Sometimes, all you have to do is ask, and it can lead to all your dreams coming true"
-i have not actually realized the power of asking...so maybe i have missed out a lot of opportunities already...T_T...you know people might shout at you at times when they think you ask insensible and stupid and impossible questions...so...but i know deep in heart that it's they who are being so restrained by habits and traditions and they are losing themselves


59.
"I want you to become what you want to become"
- i want everyone to people whoever i want them to become. but i know this is impossible and if possible they could be terribly depressed. and depression infects, so, whatever you pick. but at least you have to pick something


61.
"If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you"
-given my luck, i know this is real.



[i can see that i am getting tired]



*
one quote from peter:
"it's only the first 5 minutes you have the pleasure, the time then you regret"
god, this is sooooooo true, but 5 minutes before you just cannot control
this is simply human instinct, my born 5-min loved, then hated nature.

Meryl Streep on Ellen.

Accent thing
LOL
straight Ellen rocking the celebrities

a best man is always the best man; the groom deserves mere a bloom

- in dedication to wasp

the timidity you show
make people doubt if the groom has chosen the wrong man:
well, you are not (but you need not be) the drunk keeper, the games defender, the bargainer.
but it is the shyness of you that makes guess at the banquet think you re good, real good
your born nature, the acquired features and your physical weight, though, outweight the groom
compared to the groom who is constantly showing blowing off
the good-looking groom who behaves so indecently indeed in his own ceremony
the indigenous arrogance, the intrinsic mock, the real evil monster, not to mention the don juan
the bride is blind, or at least has been blindfolded for some time
and sadly she is bound to be caught and burnt in the forever hellfire
"don juan triumphant" the orchestra is playing in the chapel
well, i say he a defeated more than a victory victor.
i say she the beauty volunteer victoria.

while, interestingly enough, bridesmaids are, being the real caring scaring sisters of the leading girl
are witnessing, or paying mere a kind and rountine visit to the cell the bride is stepping in,
and orally they are probably complimenting the perfect union
(or a step backward, you dont really tell people they are the wrong match when they are currently the match dont you?)
while simutaneously, on the other hand, befriend and try to beintimatefriend with the best man
litereally the best man
ha
it ridicules the cooled hot groom, though not everyone else: the guests, the bride and you
cause everyone has no cataract while the groom is, surprisingly, wide-eyed
or people say, the best man cataract washes over every single female, importantly, unintentionally.

i longed for the battle between the wicked wizardary groom, and, simply saying, the best best man.

die ersten neuen Jahr von mich

Ich wurde geboren im Februar
Also, zweihundertneun ist meine erste neue Jahr
I glaube, dass neue Jahr einem neuen Traum bekommen sollten...
vielleicht, einen neuen Traumfreund?
den wirklich perfekten und wünschenswerten?
Gott sind Dank...

ich war ganz müde in zweihundertacht...
Wohin gehe ich?