dont read this.

have been too swell these days
not quite calm enough to write my favourite 'riddles'
please wait. i'll be back.

just that i want to write about myself again. (am i really too self-occupied? too egotistic?)
always, always preoccupied by distant, abstract, perhaps meaningless bewilderments.
what a fuss, what a turmoil, what a self-imposed, perhaps destructive trouble i have made to madden myself.

i have read a friend's post (yay, one of the zillion posts on facebook)
he says he's a cynical
he says he hates people who cares for only themselves.

the first respond i made was "yay! i agree."
i have always considered myself cynical
no offence but really not quite interested in brandnames, makeups, jewels, lottery. chic gadgets (hell my ipod was a gift from a bank.)
people just arent supposed to live too luxuriously. living luxurious implies that you have taken from the poor; getting a bigger slice of the pie you do not deserve.
well, i mean i can be self-contradictory. i talk about them with friends at times. that's socialising. to socialise you engage you do sth in addition to talking.

but have i actually been brainwashed while 'socializing'? am i really that steady enough, kept feet firmly tucked on my ground, being unswayed by this materialistic word? can i really claim myself to be the down to earth, the low profile, the modest? NO, hell no i can be sure.

certainly i was an arrogant youth (perhaps i still am). the braggie boastie. the proud the narrow-minded. am i still i aint sure cant tell.

not saying that fashion or whatever is all evil, but becoming too obsessed about it does shape your values erode your capability to appreciate the humblest the simplest. the simplest the best the most natural.

what is civilisation? what is progress? i feel like the backwardest.
"it's the best of times. it's the worst of times."

maybe we're helpless. born and raised in this society, city of finance and commerce, the money place. what we do is trade and buy. hardly get the chance to really make sth from scrape. cannot quite experience the joy of producing sth ourselves. i used to make cards for fds n family, now i buy one, perhaps a hallmark (that's a brandname lol). geez. it's fast and saves my labour. geez. cant even spare the time to make a card but i stalk on fb. awful n pathetic.

so i aint really...the outcast.
cynical at mouth. the hypocrite.
losing the balance, losing my ideals, losing myself getting lost.
feeling bad n want to puke at myself.

*hey mosquitoes. get out of my room. stay away from my house.
i m afraid of all insects...

kept unconcluded unresolved
life mysteries