write to escape the ravine

feel so compelled to write something.
at least little something

have been fairly stressed

wouldnt know why
i mean
i know why
but they shouldnt have been reasons big enough to put my heart in the valley
have i been too sentimental
too emotion
i wouldnt know
i just wouldnt know
i just dont want to know
i just wouldnt want to know
maybe i would want to know
or maybe not
i dont know
annoying
i dont know what i dont know what i know and what i want to or not want to know
super annoying

so there is my genius fracturing my arm.
and there is my retarded skipping and lagging behind in class
maybe i could but i havent even tried to read
ernest, f scott and gertrude
virginia coming up
i know not what im gonna do
i just hated novels for class
they are too long for me
this is an excuse i confess

whatever
i just dont know what would i become after like 5 or 10 or 15 years
would i remember all these?

just after 3 years
i feel like losing all my beloved (adjective, past tense) biology
i mean
i really liked it
but now i can say almost no jargons of the endocrine system
i want my biology back

not sure if it's a waste of time
i mean
what im studying
why mi studying
what for

i told myself i loved literature i loved art
they inspire me
in fact they do
but
so what
in this secular
mudane
carnal
world
how good it is to be inspired?

am i desparate
am i too disappointed
have i been too cynical
have i been too lofty

god damn this whimsical girl who lives on this earth and lives not in this world
goddamn
god forbade!

and you are from hk, this extreme place of practicality
god forbade

and im yelling god forbade when im not that devout and pious
god forbade as a platitude as a goddamn god forbade cliche
how ridiculous
this is a wanton's speech

i sigh
i push my deepest breath of air out of my alveoli!
ay ayy ayyy ayyyy ayyyyy

whatever
no one hears it



so i was saying my broken arm n awful academia
n
granny is hurt
n
im physically distant from my beloved family and friends
n
i cannot concentrate at work
(this is why im typing this)
(this is both the cause n result of all other causes i think - vicious circle)
damn

but i know what i should do
i tell myself to focus on how blessed (too religious a term) or how lucky or how (simply) good things around me are
i do things that make myself FROH
zum Beispiel
stalking catty's blog (Laughing out loud, well it does make me so happy Laughing out loud)
i dont know
stay on pandora radio (that's pandora.com, too bad that it only works in th US), but it's awesome
draw naked people as an escape (i just love drawing, or better say anything involves a pen n a paper that is not writing. no wait, i love writing, but nothing academic)
and cook good food: yes ive been eating so well. i dont have a meal plan but i eat so healthy. i love mushrooms n sweet peppers n veggie n yogurt n chewy oat or granola bars
und so weiter und so weiter.

yes
i make myself pretty happy

but im so eager to know why im doing what im doing in here

i meet great people here
seriously
journalism people
a photographer from reuters who travels the world n followed obama throughout his election
another photographer who took (funny and) serious pictures of bush during his 8 years of presidency
a person from washington post who lived to observe a family and has written a great story of this grassroot family (shadow another person. it amazed me. i'd like to try!)
some others

i mean, i mean i bet, these people wouldnt have imagined all these experiences back then, would they?
just so, what would i become?

*4 pages german worksheets - pending
* in 20 minutes im going to sketch a naked man.

dont worry, i only have 1 german class tmr.
wouldnt be too bad if i sleep at 2 tonight
i have tea with me :]