i just need a walking companion

i just need a walking companion
with whom i dont talk to during the prowl
but i feel his presence
i need fellowship
at such hollow moments
him in thin air
without physicality

that would be ample

but choked is now
intense
suffocation
rusted brain
corroded muscles
sedation does not compose me
i am a beast needed to be stretched and teared
perversion can be it

how many times a day i ask myself what i am doing
for what i live
to where i wander
how many times a day tears almost gush
how many times a day my heart aches
i thought i could die any moment
for such a morbid life i refuse to lead
a decayed body
a living corpse
remained are idealist fantasies
in dreams of phantoms
i look up to mere idealisation
the only wholesome perfection

how many times a day i forgo my integrity and curse people who live with ease and glee
i smudge their joy with pretensions
those forbidden hypocrites
i despise
for whom i contempt with spit

fucked up
fouls me
but i cannot withhold
fucked up is me