memories and mechanism

i have forgotten how my brain worked when i was 24 and younger
it was plain insanity
just
   how did i think

in the past few weeks i had several occasions of deep and prolonged reminisce
it was rare
have i reached the age?
do other people do the same?
do my parents do the same?
do you?

one time when i was watching a choir performed
it dragged me back into the morning lunch time after school practice
and then all the wo che memories
less remembered ones but well experienced
everything rosy
all the thorns are screened, of course

how does my brain choose what to retain had i not chosen consciously what to remember?
how are fragments selected and why
or
is it anything
interestingly what i choose to remember i remember not
i guess it takes time for things to condense
does
what im reading now ever condense?
seems not?
how can i intensify these so they will be better marked?

in no position to verify whether any images are real memories or just make-ups
maybe i have everything in my mind
but just Vorstellung

*
so today i was just watching a bunch of schoolers got inside of the trams
making laughs having fun
good old times bygone
is there a better simpler clearer more straight forward state of mind ahead?
is that the gift of Alzheimer's

how did i think when before this and
what is this?

does sleeping more help, or sleeping enough?
seriously i dnt know how much is enough
why is human body like this
bizarre and amusing

JANUAR 21 STOLZ DARAUF

first day of snow in leipzig
flakes descending from heaven
holy beams extending glowing from above
stream of strength fliessen in the reverse direction
against gravity
divinity in manifestation
BEHOLD!
enjoy the weightless sugar frost covering ashes and dirt
upon its gentle touch grey into gold it turns
the almighty sacred whiteness OH!

the best group of light-hearted encounter
i love my group of guy friends
who talk of the bigger the better the wiser the more joyous
the more deserving of our appetite and time
maybe this needs more literal record of
the turkish dinner noam the yogurt and the carrot
rice with hexagon pasta baked with a splash of oil
moist cake and black tea
and josef in reluctance to bedtime
the jack under three
oh dear the good looking the boy the mythical hero and the related to the prophet
thank you fertility
LOVE

and i got my royal mail the offer is official!
big eye pride!

forza to sail

too much i can say about the past few weeks, it was roller coastery
landing me on the land of crisis - but ultimately landed, with my feet on solid ground

the successive skype therapy gave me good FORZA
and now this is my anchor i hold on to my port that i set my eye on to continue with my sail
rough sea or boring lake
still pretty scenaries
tuning perspectives

i didn't know what i want and i was scared
but who does
being scared is a good sign - it means you think and you ponder, you care and you try hard to figure it out
futile or not
maybe destined to be futile - no alternative
still good
some dose of blind optimism
things can always go worth - and things can always go better
what's the tragedy - one oughtta spit the phlegm

i just think the story of hatred will make the best-sell list but
why write if its melodramatic and full of hatred and grieve
let it go and let it be
blur the lines

read
just read about slavery: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slavery
and its history - a chapter in Inhuman Bondage: The Rise and Fall of Slavery in the New World by David Brion Davis
   - gets me thinking: how was brutality put up with, human commoditized and monetized, and the extent skin color determine ones' life is utterly horrifying - worse and better, always worse and better.