the myth of neutrality

dad asked where in taiwan my friend who's visiting us comes from

then based on her origin he suggested her political leaning, which i agree. and then i said i'm as well more for the same political party than the other. he responded by saying that he's neutral

NEUTRAL
NEUTRALITY

i consider neutrality a myth
'Neutrality is a euphemism for privileged truth. Feminists like Haraway have been pointing at this issue since the ‘80s.' (Eyestone 2015 - I haven't even read the whole piece)

neutrality is a stance, a positioning in itself

by opting 'neutrallity', left or right, for or against, or the likes, are rejected

and 'rejection' is a stance

it's bold to be assertive

it takes courage to take sides

that's why 'neutrality' seems like the wiser, safer bet

- but to a certain degree it's cowardice

it's a disclaimer, almost irresponsibleness in disguise

nothing is irrelevant

the thing is - 

taking sides doesn't mean that you are forever grounded to that side

while taking sides takes courage, changing sides manifests even more encourage

it means that even after having made a decision, you don't stop evaluating. introspection is constant and your brain doesn't stop moving. you are critical towards yourself and your side, as well as the issue of discussion and the external environment

being unassertive is understandable. sometimes, it may be the result of prolonged calculation of the convoluted matter the complicated reality by someone who is particularly careful, who strives to avoid rash decisions

but after you've indeed took some time to map things out, to untangle your strands of thoughts (like it's possible), why is it wrong to take sides per your thought-through analysis?

true that it's never ever 'through', but as long as you keep going back to it and remain open and curious to new perspectives and ready to be convinced when you hear sensible persuasion the next second, what's wrong with taking the leap that brings you to a next level where new views await?

surely neither of the parties, and similarly most of the time neither of a particular side is absolutely right (or wrong), but not taking sides doesn't put him on moral high ground.

***
skimmed through the piece i referenced -
it's less about taking sides but, as i've understood it, more about the infeasibility of self-claimed 'neutrality', or 'objectivity' within subjectivity
when you are not cosmo and external to your mind and body, what's the talk about objectivity?
reflexivity substitutes i guess?

the letter

dad announces that i got mail
and i knew that it's you

you said it's not good
i say it can't be better

words fall short of thoughts and emotions
but meaning delivers itself beyond words on papers

it reads like a love letter
and it reads like a breakup letter

i had to re-read it
and my tears rolled down my cheeks when i was reading it
and i had to wipe my face before my parents noticed
mum: who was it. isn't it interesting that they wrote letters in today's world.

my last blog entry was like what you said about putting memories in good boxes
i hope that they are not stalled away in the attic and get dusty,
but sealed for reminisces and later refreshing
purity be kept. so are sweetness and other tastes of complexity. good complexity

yours a lot me
and mine a lot you too
and when i was reading this last line i was trying to remember where i said the exact same thing already - and i thought it was to you but at least it was also to myself
reciprocity
some confession about you, and to you and for you
we synchroniz(ed)
our hearts pound(ed) at the same pace and our minds think the same in this

we said no regrets
i guess a regret - i have - is that we make pity
- isn't it a pity that we were not 'meant to be' - why weren't we 'meant to be' and what does it even mean
are you a determinist - just me challenging you as i have always been,
realist, sometimes an idealist
i would ask so so many whys had i been me some years ago
i maybe tired now. maybe i'm a fatalist and am passive

i don't know what tense to use
present perfect or past or present. subjunctive?
you know in the Chinese language, Cantonese or Mandarin (bepuzzled you!), tense is not 'a thing'?
- aha this makes me miss mimicking you
this makes me miss you, and us including me in front of you
i have even lost that persona of me now

i wonder if i'm in denial
and i wonder if i'm making things up
i fear that one day i will live in this past all by myself
or maybe it's living in the imagination by myself, misbelieving that it was real
- lack of security arises from lack of certainty about

things impossible to articulate and emotions impossible to express
language is failing us
misleading language, unreliable memory, perplexing emotions

we share a lot of things, good old memories
i wish we have packed the boxes together, and that we guard them together - like it's possible to share the tidying in the brain/mind/heart faculty...

how to live with this invaluable past?

dear contemplative

oh we forgot about the locker key! and i forgot to pay the price! phew.
thank you for the locker, and the guitar, and the love and everything
i already miss you, i thought i would not.
i dont know why i thought i wouldn't. i guess i just never quite thought about it, or ending in general
- but i really really miss you at this moment when you are still here
- and i had to write this before the memory gets further diluted

i will miss you, and
you teaching me le livre
us sharing bread and cheese and hummus and broccoli and mushrooms
and fruit bowls and all the food and hugs and laughs and massages
peeling mushrooms and eating the broccoli stem
parties in our rooms and cookings in the kitchen with the family
and there were so many times you were the only one i wanted to spend time with
some nights at the three tuns and at roebuck and shakespeare's head and the wellington
countless full pints and half pints of ales
many days at lincoln's inns fields and hare krishna and some days on the 6/F and many more in the library
dance classes, from tango to others, dancing on boats and in pubs even when i was reluctant, on streets
badminton when you were winning and when you were not and some moments of basketball and boxing
pingpong and pool and talking on the sofa in the common room
many walking homes and walking at night to near london bridge and to everywhere noticing collapsed people and fancy cars
stansted express and flying and bus from frankfurt and making warmth
dancing and singing on the streets and kissing on beautiful streets
biking and distracting the dog and me breaking my tire and you being patient
saying bye when i boarded the bus and for a few days that felt like forever
talking after you parked the bike in the cold and me couldn't go

you inviting you and me to eva's

the day trip in london

my feet in your big socks when we were camping and we were hiking in brean and playing cards

the gorges with the family

sushi making and the reason to and many picnicking

wine tasting

walking from school to leicester square to piccadily to chinatown

using a full day to bid farewell and the last moments

countless

and seeing each other was a daily thing and now no longer

i had wished that it would never end

my mourning through writing, because it's usually in solitude and writing gives me the illusion that there's somebody listening, my imaginary diary/ blog listener or some actual readers.
but this evening was nice even though sad, crying for real that the forehead felt squeezed is somehow liberating. crying together maybe therapeutic. proper, but temporary, closure. yes temporary.

thank you for the company since the first week to my last. my london is a lot yours.