the letter

dad announces that i got mail
and i knew that it's you

you said it's not good
i say it can't be better

words fall short of thoughts and emotions
but meaning delivers itself beyond words on papers

it reads like a love letter
and it reads like a breakup letter

i had to re-read it
and my tears rolled down my cheeks when i was reading it
and i had to wipe my face before my parents noticed
mum: who was it. isn't it interesting that they wrote letters in today's world.

my last blog entry was like what you said about putting memories in good boxes
i hope that they are not stalled away in the attic and get dusty,
but sealed for reminisces and later refreshing
purity be kept. so are sweetness and other tastes of complexity. good complexity

yours a lot me
and mine a lot you too
and when i was reading this last line i was trying to remember where i said the exact same thing already - and i thought it was to you but at least it was also to myself
reciprocity
some confession about you, and to you and for you
we synchroniz(ed)
our hearts pound(ed) at the same pace and our minds think the same in this

we said no regrets
i guess a regret - i have - is that we make pity
- isn't it a pity that we were not 'meant to be' - why weren't we 'meant to be' and what does it even mean
are you a determinist - just me challenging you as i have always been,
realist, sometimes an idealist
i would ask so so many whys had i been me some years ago
i maybe tired now. maybe i'm a fatalist and am passive

i don't know what tense to use
present perfect or past or present. subjunctive?
you know in the Chinese language, Cantonese or Mandarin (bepuzzled you!), tense is not 'a thing'?
- aha this makes me miss mimicking you
this makes me miss you, and us including me in front of you
i have even lost that persona of me now

i wonder if i'm in denial
and i wonder if i'm making things up
i fear that one day i will live in this past all by myself
or maybe it's living in the imagination by myself, misbelieving that it was real
- lack of security arises from lack of certainty about

things impossible to articulate and emotions impossible to express
language is failing us
misleading language, unreliable memory, perplexing emotions

we share a lot of things, good old memories
i wish we have packed the boxes together, and that we guard them together - like it's possible to share the tidying in the brain/mind/heart faculty...

how to live with this invaluable past?