讀中感：The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

XI and 30
the helplessness, but with compassion
the faith, but also the hopelessness

the careful subservient female Handmaid, and the potent and (so far) gentle Commander
the Commander as head of the household but with certain domains ruled by the jealous wife
crowned / made a Commander
with a human side and indeed more like a nice coward submitting to the system
crowned / made a wife and had to perform jealousy
jealousy a human side pressed by the system more like with grunt almost rebellious against the system

and all individual overpowered by the system
but what is a system but a collective
when / how does the collective transmogrify into a demonic system?

the transition was spot on, chapter 27 to 29 or 30
from the imperfect normality to the fallen world of evil ultimatum
expected but unexpected
and everybody acted late
did no one see if coming or did everyone
or had everyone just played, complicit
complacent

ruthless ultimatum
in which everyone has to be a believer to survive, but everyone is really not

the distinguishing the freedom to from the freedom from

oh dear margaret

you don't know when what's coming if you choose indifference

死線前的小小天人交戰

i prefer the status quo
     that comes with more (monetary reward) and that too is a attractive project
i prefer my current more diverse combination of projects
     that is the project under spotlight
my current project is more meaningful anti-cancer drug kind of that is a throat candy
     throat candy but it's a good candy that everyone pays attention to
that's a painful ride that likely leads to nowhere which i shouldn't take
     it's a healthy battle for a good cause worth fighting
the system is rigid and you will only be bummed
     * you should give it a try so you don't regret not trying *
i would further harm my image when i provoke by applying - would i though?
     it's not so much you provoking and only the meager would be "provoked" by your sensible act

     at least am putting the least effort if i do
     and am prepared to take rejection, gracefully

     窈窕淑女，君子好求
a curse, in disguise
     a blessing in the disguise of a curse

what do i want though
i want
e
v
e
r
y
t
h
i
n
g

興趣多元

     這回事

would i though?

     it must be so common, so so common

but still people could be mean

i want 

e

v

e

r

you should give it a try so you don't regret not having tried

t

h

i

n

g

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seriously i have so little grasp of the likelihood i would it

but - 

you should give it a try so you don't regret

興趣多元這回事

what do i focus on

     what if i utterly do not want to focus

     then am i doomed to 

     fail?

what is success and what is failing anyways

just

don't stop absorbing

20180513

曾幾何時我有多麼的文字要盤吐出來
滿滿的情緒、千絲的念頭
無人可載，就唯有投到這裡

敲打過程中整理、沉殿
一筆一劃感覺沉穩
比口述感覺好太多了


昨天跟非洲人通電話
萬樣事情有口難言啊
"i wanted to talk to you but i couldn't"

words failed me
他怎麼可以覺得我們就可以

Les Rousses

the darkness. in entirety and wholeness. comforting and enticing at the same time. i don't know if i've ever seen complete darkness ever in my life. Dialogue in the dark was artificial. Les Rousses in France was real, and natural, perfect and heavenly.

It was more than darkness. The freedom, the out-of-the-world, the simplicity. Everything so delectable, Simple and fresh food, the dialogue on our lives and food and sex - I recorded it so i could remember how and any conversation should be, naked and honest (fine i respect consent). voices and sound make memories - why did we keep the images in the attic and audio in the trash? [post note: nope we don't keep audio in the trash i was wrong.] i'll try hard to retain more than the feeling.

The feeling of joy, from simplicity, and reunion, from friendship and love, god knows even empowerment. i said it empowered me to sight alternatives - what good or less good lives are there possibilities are exciting aren't they? maybe they are never for me but maybe they are too. not trapped stay untrapped. liberte.

The nature also took my breathe away. Mont Blanc especially. it never crosses my mind a snow-capped mount/ ridges could be of eyes' distance from a city. Maybe Tokyo too am not sure. And doesn't it (mountains and broad skies) always remind you of one's insignificance, or how much more there are out there. Immensity overwhelms me and i like being overwhelmed by good things.

There're too many others small goodness and beauty. The historic house with the big garden I didn't get to see properly and the amusing chilly basement. HISTORY! at present (man it was an escape for kids and men during destitute times, or wasn't it)!

People are kind. Food is delicious.
- drivers who took hitchhikers
- host who didn't mind me burning the chopping board (i mean belittle it but it wouldn't be the case in fkhdk)
- bakery madame who gave us the bigger pain au raisin
- previous hikers who left direction marks for future hikers