#brokenhongkongseries #1: constructions and safety; rotting from inside out

juxtaposition

is

when the first piece of news is:
on how the expert panel rules that the faulty construction at Hung Hom Station is (still) safe
even safer than how it's supposed to be built; and

the second,
how the husband of the Secretary of Justice, being an engineer and former president of the Hong Kong Institution of Engineers, gets defended for his unauthorizedly built swimming pool
"so it would be lawful if it was built for keeping fish"
"the pool does not have any safety impact on its surrounding buildings - it's like putting a water bag with gold fish on the 'gold fish street'"
and of course the wife has been involved in a few other unauthorized building cases too

#brokenhongkongseries #1

unfortunately a lot precedes this and a lot will follow

this is 2019, 22 years after the handover
seven years into Xi's rule

the funny thing is i don't really know if it matters, what's happening across the border
i mean of course it does, what happens across the border affects us immensely
but this case of the above juxtapositioning:
how is this not more about rotting from the inside than crumbling from the outside

christ.

***

on the bright side... (how can i still be on the bright side really lol)
hong kong was really corrupted until the ICAC came to be - and it was just some 50 years ago??

hopefully
time changes

hopefully
time heals

until it hurts again

slow and happy rant

good lord

i really need today to be a slow day

sluggish

low activity

***

good lord

i don't desire rationally

(does any body?)

my many desires

or i have only wanted the action of desiring

but nothing substantial really

***

i thought i wanted ____

and it's only irrational

because we were sort of there when i wasn't ready

and now you don't act

any more like

cool and mature

***

i compared the three of you in my head

i actually prefer _______ in the room, maybe the living room and the kitchen too (1)

maybe _______ in the living room and the kitchen too and of the bathroom (2)

and ____ should stay outside of the flat and we can meet at the bar (3)

***

i have utterly no shame do i

***

but am really happy for you, _______ - and i hope i get to meet both of you when am ready to. hahahahaha (1)

and i don't actually envy you ____. and even though am not sure if you deserve something better (LOL), i hope it gets better for you, ____ (LOL) (3)

_______, do what you do and be well (2)

***

let me go to bed

my remotions towards a work partner quitting

march the eleventh, twenty nineteenth.

i am using the onion framework to try to understand myself
what an enigma, jw
i baffle myself and i amuse myself
this journey of self-discovery
is it meaningful and is it worthwhile to understand
me?

really?
me an an evolving subject and object and being
i have difficulty classifying categorizing characterizing
me

dennis said it's only normal to be inconsistent and full of contradiction
he said something like we would be only narrow(?) and silly(?) to require a single framework to understand
the cosmo(?)

men aren't they smart and ain't i stupid
men aren't they stupid and ain't i wise
haha
needed the self-deprecation and self-praise and the modesty and the cockiness
that my cock

*

i still haven't decipher what is causing my reaction against his quitting, and my emotions
i guess it means i would prefer that he wouldn't leave so soon and that we would get to develop our relationship further, work and beyond?

oh just the day before i said i took 'things' lightly
as in i knew and i was used to people coming and going
i guess for 4 days he was more than a work partner but also a friend
or more than a friend but the model whom i mind-eyed and put a sketch in my head (and my heart - quite easily) and memagined that sketch be somebody i would give a piece of myself to
that went far quickly and definitely too easily

we are all so lonely aren't we
that was really easy

and i was saying that he mumbled and spoke too aloftly and i was not attracted
that went far and it was really easy that it went so far in such a short span of time

crazy

ok
so
outermost layer: i wasn't happy that the ending suddenly seemed so imminent
middle layer: i was lonely i was bored i wanted attention even transient and foggy or obviously fake one; wow i was maybe still am so good at imagining affection and love, or am expert in leaping of faith by skipping or assuming there's no need of depth [oh man it's dangerous lol]
[am impressed by myself and shocked at the same time]
 [how often do i impress myself? how often do i shock myself? and how often do i impress and shock myself at the same time?]
 [does it train my cardio or does it cause palpitation or heart attack?]
 [i don't know why i thought chasing a bus would train my heart muscles my science is bad]

inner layer:
i am a sxxx?

ehem

hahaha ok using anthony's words i am 'deterministic' [i didn't think it was the right word to use]
i choose to believe that things, like the deepening of a relationship, come to be -
just because

there is some grander outer force but we comprise it we contribute to it
because our bandwidth or our wavelength allow us to be
*or disallow us to be*

and this was / has been one incident of disallowing

and it may come back allowing
but now it's a disallowing
despite what has already been allowed and what (little tiny bit of something) has already taken place

the budding
of
likely weed
but potentially a cypress

or the tree of life

woahhhhh!

conclusion being:
i
am
a
bit
desperate

(but it's ok too)