march the eleventh, twenty nineteenth.
i am using the onion framework to try to understand myself
what an enigma, jw
i baffle myself and i amuse myself
this journey of self-discovery
is it meaningful and is it worthwhile to understand
me?
really?
me an an evolving subject and object and being
i have difficulty classifying categorizing characterizing
me
dennis said it's only normal to be inconsistent and full of contradiction
he said something like we would be only narrow(?) and silly(?) to require a single framework to understand
the cosmo(?)
men aren't they smart and ain't i stupid
men aren't they stupid and ain't i wise
haha
needed the self-deprecation and self-praise and the modesty and the cockiness
that my cock
*
i still haven't decipher what is causing my reaction against his quitting, and my emotions
i guess it means i would prefer that he wouldn't leave so soon and that we would get to develop our relationship further, work and beyond?
oh just the day before i said i took 'things' lightly
as in i knew and i was used to people coming and going
i guess for 4 days he was more than a work partner but also a friend
or more than a friend but the model whom i mind-eyed and put a sketch in my head (and my heart - quite easily) and memagined that sketch be somebody i would give a piece of myself to
that went far quickly and definitely too easily
we are all so lonely aren't we
that was really easy
and i was saying that he mumbled and spoke too aloftly and i was not attracted
that went far and it was really easy that it went so far in such a short span of time
crazy
ok
so
outermost layer: i wasn't happy that the ending suddenly seemed so imminent
middle layer: i was lonely i was bored i wanted attention even transient and foggy or obviously fake one; wow i was maybe still am so good at imagining affection and love, or am expert in leaping of faith by skipping or assuming there's no need of depth [oh man it's dangerous lol]
[am impressed by myself and shocked at the same time]
[how often do i impress myself? how often do i shock myself? and how often do i impress and shock myself at the same time?]
[does it train my cardio or does it cause palpitation or heart attack?]
[i don't know why i thought chasing a bus would train my heart muscles my science is bad]
inner layer:
i am a sxxx?
ehem
hahaha ok using anthony's words i am 'deterministic' [i didn't think it was the right word to use]
i choose to believe that things, like the deepening of a relationship, come to be -
just because
there is some grander outer force but we comprise it we contribute to it
because our bandwidth or our wavelength allow us to be
*or disallow us to be*
and this was / has been one incident of disallowing
and it may come back allowing
but now it's a disallowing
despite what has already been allowed and what (little tiny bit of something) has already taken place
the budding
of
likely weed
but potentially a cypress
or the tree of life
woahhhhh!
conclusion being:
i
am
a
bit
desperate
(but it's ok too)
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