Let me imagine your
Reaction
Wrongly
Because it just can't be right
I believe it has never been right
Because how does one Cosmo understand another Anyways
I deeply desire
Someone not something unattainable
Unhealthy for me
Probs because I am a masochist but really who isn't
I don't know if you would understand
I don't think you would
I don't think you can
It's mind boggling indeed even for myself
As a masochist
We were 50 meters down
The marathon that was never held
Because we quitted being the organisers despite our initial
Interest
We were not running enthusiast
Or we weren't sure
For sure?
You would be baffled
And I am lost for words
And energy
Despite the
Evasive, short-lived but repeated
chemical wants
Do I understand it
In any sensible substantial way apart from framing it as
Me being a masochist?
My imagination beyond your being baffled
- maybe am being demeaning guessing you would be baffled
You would have your philosophy but how can it be right
Because I don't have an answer really
There's no logic not even a non logic
It's a blur it's a (not) burb it's a (not) blurb it's a mesh and a mash
I imagined
reasons why you texted:
"because you wanted me, for dilution, or for balance"
when it's going so so on your other side
but this is really too 'optimistic' lol - just quite can't be
or still that
but when it's going too brilliantly intense on the other side
- and i put on your shoe and thought it was a feasible feeling lol
"or really just because there was this email"
(ha let me check the time for dissapointment's sake lol)
come on
HE JUST WOULD NOT THINK SO MANY THINGS
would i have thought so many things had i been in his position
maybe but it probably would not feel as intensely
AM I FEELING VERY INTENSELY THOUGH?
i am
not sure
i am making it a thing but it's probably less intense than i think it is but by putting the amount of time in
i intensify it and i milden it
i organize it and it gets better
i think it through and i will have been through the whole lap
complete and be through with the obsession
if feels good to be through
what needs be gone through needs be gone through
for me to attain a peace of mind
true thing
will this obsession abandon me i wonder -
maybe when it's through with me it will
it's another form of masochism isn't it
*
Why had I been a masochist for that one hour
Am I really a masochist?
