the necessary overthinking lap

Let me imagine your 

Reaction

Wrongly

Because it just can't be right 

I believe it has never been right

Because how does one Cosmo understand another Anyways

I deeply desire 

Someone not something unattainable 

Unhealthy for me 

Probs because I am a masochist but really who isn't 

I don't know if you would understand 

I don't think you would

I don't think you can

It's mind boggling indeed even for myself 

As a masochist 

We were 50 meters down 

The marathon that was never held

Because we quitted being the organisers despite our initial 

Interest

We were not running enthusiast 

Or we weren't sure 

For sure?

You would be baffled

And I am lost for words

And energy

Despite the 

Evasive, short-lived but repeated

chemical wants 

Do I understand it 

In any sensible substantial way apart from framing it as

Me being a masochist?

My imagination beyond your being baffled

- maybe am being demeaning guessing you would be baffled

You would have your philosophy but how can it be right

Because I don't have an answer really

There's no logic not even a non logic 

It's a blur it's a (not) burb it's a (not) blurb it's a mesh and a mash 

I imagined

reasons why you texted:

"because you wanted me, for dilution, or for balance"

when it's going so so on your other side

but this is really too 'optimistic' lol - just quite can't be

or still that

but when it's going too brilliantly intense on the other side

- and i put on your shoe and thought it was a feasible feeling lol

"or really just because there was this email"

(ha let me check the time for dissapointment's sake lol)

come on

HE JUST WOULD NOT THINK SO MANY THINGS

would i have thought so many things had i been in his position

maybe but it probably would not feel as intensely

AM I FEELING VERY INTENSELY THOUGH?

i am

not sure

i am making it a thing but it's probably less intense than i think it is but by putting the amount of time in 

i intensify it and i milden it

i organize it and it gets better

i think it through and i will have been through the whole lap

complete and be through with the obsession

if feels good to be through

what needs be gone through needs be gone through

for me to attain a peace of mind

true thing

will this obsession abandon me i wonder -

maybe when it's through with me it will

it's another form of masochism isn't it

*

Why had I been a masochist for that one hour

Am I really a masochist?