A doctor beside the deathbed

Hotel quarantine means a lot of free time watching documentaries on different TV channels, BBC, Nat Geo, DW, etc. Let me try to count what I watched: The Story of China, another on historical sites in Egypt, and another on the making of gochujang, the flavourful Korean soybean condiment. They were so good.  

This morning, I watched a doctor beside the deathbed on NHK. I just stumbled across it when I was channel-hopping. I didn't know what it was, but I was instantly hooked.

I don't think I ever watched someone dying on screen. The topic of death is probably some unspoken taboo on Hong Kong TV. It's not just death, we actually barely see any old people on screen. I am talking about really wrinkly-looking 90-year old looking faces, not people in their 60s with a lot of make-up.

But there were a lot of old people in the documentary. It talks about palliative care.

1. The documentary follows an 80-year-old doctor who does home visits to people older than him - who are approaching the end of their lives. Most of these old people prefer spending their last days at home rather than at the hospital. Sometimes it's manageable, sometimes it's not quite.

1. One of the patients only found out about his terminal-stage lung cancer a year ago, after the death of his wife. His whole life was spent taking care of his wife (who also had some illness) and their adult daughter who lost her sight at the age of 7. But since he fell ill, the caregiving and -taking roles reversed - now the blind daughter had to take care of the bed-ridden father who was getting weaker. The doctor was preparing the daughter for the father's death, and it was not an easy task. The daughter kept talking about what her father could be doing after recovery. And indeed the father also talked about picking persimmons from the tree in front of their house and hanging on. The doctor thought the father was not ready to go as he thought he still needed to take care of the daughter, who only started doing more house chores like cooking since her father got sicker. Because the daughter was blind, the doctor told her to touch her father's face every morning to feel the temperature and sense his liveliness. 

1. The hanging on lasted for a few weeks. In these few weeks, the doctor would find excuses to visit the family more often. It was not an easy situation. 

2. Another elderly the documentary follows was a 103-year-old woman, who lived with her son and his wife. She seemed really healthy for her age. "You have nice knees," said the doctor. It put a smile on everyone's face including hers. Maybe an embarrassing one. Her knees looked really nice for a 103-year-old though. Like many others, she also preferred living at home. But her deteriorating conditions inevitably made it harder and harder for the care-giving couple who were both over 70. At some point, her anus was loosened so much that she could no longer control her excretion. 

2. The caregiving couple "didn't have the heart" to tell their mum about the idea of sending her to a care home, so the doctor helped make the message. He did it in the most gentle way. It was all reasonable, and a white lie that everybody could see through. "You go there for a few times a week. And in the last week, you stay there for the whole week. So your family can take a holiday. Maybe go enjoy the hot spring," he said. Of course, the old lady said she would be able to stay home on her own without the couple. "But they would be worried", the doctor responded. Deep down, everyone knew where this was going. 

2. It was good that the centenarian was still very reasonable. She didn't have dementia. She might be a bit reluctant but she could also empathise with her son and her daughter-in-law. "Of course it would be easier for everyone if I weren't here," she said, "I might also be worried if I really were to be on my own." The family helped her packed up and she was sent to the care home quite soon. 

2. We didn't get to see how the care home looked like. I hope the "young-old" couple visit her often.

2. I wonder what they thought about their own future, seeing that, ultimately, because of most families' lack of ability (physical strength, equipment, mental support, etc.) to do all the care-giving, a care home is to become where many spend the almost-last stage of life. I hope that she would get to be back in her own home (where she lived for 5 decades) for her last weeks.

1. The father, finally, was giving in. Maybe he felt the daughter was becoming independent enough such that he could finally be at peace. On the day he was passing away, the daughter called the doctor after finding out that the father was no longer so responsive to what she said. By the time he arrived, he was still breathing, and his heart still beating, even though everything was weak. More family members already arrived. It was clear that it was coming to an end, but everyone made it in time to say goodbye, including the doctor who seemed to have become a good family friend. They had a lot of persimmon talks.

1. The daughter did a bit of self-blame, saying that she was not catering to all her father's demands the day before. "It is natural. You can't do everything the other person wants in a life-long relationship," said the doctor. I hope the message helped the daughter put down the weight of guilt. She had been doing a really great job taking care of her father, both physically and psychologically, by also taking care of herself.

3. It was not always nice. Another patient with dementia was quite grumpy as he was in so much pain that he could barely move. Probably more stubborn people are grumpier. He was so stubborn that he insisted making his own meals in his own room, even when he was barely mobile any more. The doctor also offered to the family members that perhaps he could stay in a care home.

Carehome has to become better... and I really wish there are a lot more doctors in Hong Kong, who can be supporting caring at home in Hong Kong. But people barely have space to live here... 

You know in France, a nurse was visiting my friend's place to change her baddage... T_T