i think i have changed

thought i have been thinking too much
now i cannot even just look at things and idle
the mind keeps running
dashing here and there

contemplation
meditation
do they mean thinking or not thinking?

i felt like i have stopped feeling
less sensual
less sensitive
bad thing

brain power gets consumed and grow into bigger force
it eats up my sensuality

i thought i was proud of being rational
regardless whether im really rational or not i liked the name
have always disliked emotional people
if not people who are overfilled by emotions

but i imagine
i dream and visualise my future
fantasy or not
arent these waves and splashes of emotionality?

perhaps they are poisonous now i learn
my throat is getting really dry now

have become almost a chatterbox
there is even substance to what I say
but the words are soulless and heartless
i dont feel right mumbling shit
i speak things from my skull my brain and not my heart my guts

yes i can be hyper and hard working
wonder if it is the high of my life so far
that i have been so into reading and writing and being productive
isnt it too american?

interesting thing i have been reading
but the reading act itself is becoming less interesting when i push too much
when i get pushed too much
how am i to reconcile the conflict?

thought i want a retreat
and i asked for a retreat
but doesnt the act of asking itself contradict the purpose of going on a retreat?
pretty ridiculous no?
do i still want it when i dont know if this retreat will really be a retreat?

stop reflecting shall i but how
i have no control over what i think

yes i love food for thought but i am almost exhausted to think
yes i love self evaluation but its just too tiring

thought i still want to be free
from
complications of friendships
but who can halt development and changes when time never stops
when the world contains you and you dont own the world

i think i have changed