in the head

why do you never say that you miss me

is it your asian-ness, underneath your african skin
do you miss me, say it, honey, just tell me
be bold be loud be shameless
be direct be passionate say it like a beast

to fill this hole in my heart
a void in my mind
a mystery needs be solved
you are the key

to unlock a willing heart
now latched for silly introspection
just claim your deserving possession
i proclaim my obsession

or has everything been a construction
only gorgeous in the head
but absent in the hand
like sand, ungraspable a man

still longing for your blunt sharp blabbering of your veiled love
this crisp faith of your faithfulness
of your steadfast love
one never has enough

more, and more
even more, til no end
i've professed it, would you respond with same zeal

jump,

and feel the gravity

off the plane

wind blade lacerating your face

it feels really, really dry

pores exploding from within

why is skin such a strange, feeble organ

what's after it?

you live if you live

you die if you die

at least you felt the fall, genuinely free. fall

if you love something, set it free

if it comes back, it's yours

if it doesn't, it never was

ueber-literalist tickles

at this very moment i have a smile that looks like a joker's
so it's post-halloweeny!

tickled on the brain, pricked through the skin - Devy, stop fondling my nerves!

how am i to read economics when i read
Malthusian Trap as Freudian Slip
Solow as Soloman
Gini as Genie
mind, and body, on literary studies

konjo and all, do you choose an economist over a, um there's no word adequate for beings of such potence, let's use, 'ueber-literalist'?
how do you know what am after, when i too have little idea
just - privileged to be exposed and be stimulated

i aspire after this diachronous symphony
tickles to culmination

***
The Waste Land, T. S. Eliot (1918-21)

I. THE BURIAL OF THE DEAD APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering	5
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee
With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,
And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,	10
And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.
Bin gar keine Russin, stamm’ aus Litauen, echt deutsch.
And when we were children, staying at the archduke’s,
My cousin’s, he took me out on a sled,
And I was frightened. He said, Marie,	15
Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.
In the mountains, there you feel free.
I read, much of the night, and go south in the winter.

*

- how does the Great War relate; his hears and sees in Lloyds

- what state of mind translates into sick lilacs on paper - combusting potassium (oh dear K is Capital in economics and potassium in Chemistry), dull smell in the air

endless

***

True am more a fan of Pound and Joyce than Eliot

but this is the thing, the model, not economic, -al

London rode me to Heaven

mourn dove

the place? the people? the language?
the schedule? the writing? the mind?

less than a week and the answer comes clear: i dont belong here or i belong to death

im forgetting much
what i did and all the details
all i know is the contrast impossible to overlook
was so damn much happier i giggled for no reason, just by myself
laughed too hard til my abdomen hurt when im with others
maybe the freedom
an imagined state of mind?
wish i could be deceived

why do interesting things just disappear on me just after the transition
i dont even have any sources of stimulation now

dying from inside
im losing the edginess and the banter

summer sylvester

numbness in the brain
good numbness for the first time?

ka-ching the spark started burning the string
warm glitz acting along the line
per the line
like there is a line

night walk
一發不可收拾
twitching installed in the atrium
paralysis in the cortex
let explode

what's after next
some talk by the window with a juice from czech spinned my truck with my head
juice devinized by accompaniment
planting sowing ploughing watering
growing flowering blossoming seeding
oh nye
zu mir?

reading lying down imprinting memories through images and arguments watching on the lap dopamine on the lips
the art
slicing cutting chopping frying acquired is the diet the banter and muscles are used me admirer
the glee
impossible calmness and patience carrying foetus through the rough sea of glass
the bliss

happy sleeping problem arm problem big problem left unattended with mime
still feeding me
made anew

記 淘哭誤傳死訊有感

bad reception
horrendous compression of time and space
brutal crush, of time and space
pretty brittle, and fragile and feeble

messages shattering electrons
wrong messages resounding in vacuum

nay deafening silence
but the drizzling noise of lethal disturbance

through the invisible umbilical cord
bruit spread like cholera

***
and i thought someone died
it's dark it's insane it's alarming
that now it has been demystified and still the thought haunts
prevailing for days i suspect it would for years and decades
a good lesson
but
do not miss observing thy reaction
calm
crackless rationality

perhaps the hysteria is reserved for the real moment for the creature holding sickle and 'scepter'

***
when was the last time you let loose like this
when was the last time i let loose like this
do you ever let loose like this

the course

or i can outrun you
or make it the goalie lamppost
lay, not set, eyes on
die Richtung the ship sails towards on this contingent route
ship adventurous without a destination
free port
a breezy voyage
i'm a vessel, self-contained
and i ain't no Cook claims not people's land
let the fauna and flora be
just see, observe, be amazed, and bring imprints on the head organ

and this young season affair makes not a suicidal leap but
transcendence

transmogrification still a leap of faith
takes nothing but half second of courage

does the puff clear or mess with my head?

utterly an introvert?
oh my bubble room corrupts
pushing boundaries is hard - but only when one is not pushing but imagining pushing
in the course of doing so the thrills nebulizes the Angst and tension the exhaustion
but here in the balloon calmness endows
it's
lazy and easy

pump not think

hormonal?
partly
still sane enough to see beyond the thick thin layer of mist
it's shining, blinding in a good intoxicating way

bar too high
way too high
im pretty sure nothing has even the slightest chance to be compared to this
nuts
completely idiotic
insanity

so that the trade-off is future disappointment or what
i guess im well-preped and
who were you to say you'd rather jump off a waterfall than rowing on the lake
self-fulfilling prophecy rowed on

let it
let it
let it flow like the party of last night's
happy, not drunk
it will be

with little active construction it could as well come out beautifully

heart not brain

sunshine

(more than a week ago?)

how did it even start, good things falling off from the sky

gawd it feels funny, and weird, knowing who is reading this but yea, this blog upholds honesty and directness, for both good and bad, and happiness and sadness - unless to the point i feel too defeated -

it has been way too distant from defeat.
[but in any case, this is making me a bit too conscious about how and what i write like, now i needa emphasize that stream of consciousness, even trimmed, streamed and pimped, gives little regard to run-on sentences and proper punctuation. this is my private chest and i follow the genie inside of me] - taking pride in world englishes. credits to prof. h.

genuine people. let's say it's the genuine people.
brave heart and curious minds

there was some travelling i did when i wanted to see literally EVERYTHING. can't miss any details. blinking became something to be resisted against -
- and this time all i wanted to keep within sight, the whole time including bedtime, were my brother and sister - yes it did and still do feel like it - strange that these two have not trod into my bedtime blockbusters yet - ah yea have been sleeping better dreaming less at night than in the day, which is getting really mellow
- i would be cuddling and spooning so much if i could - it feels good to be

- i still pay attention to details, like the way she laughs, and the gestures he makes when he talks. it tells so much: that she is delighted from within, and that he is a natural. and her obama expression with blue eyes, and his smiling face of content - i still suspect it of schizophrenia considering the grim stories stored behind that face
do people just born optimistic?

concreta:
- running into the robins!
- napping of the babies in the back compartment
- first greet off the station, rathaus/ jungfraustieg
- fresh beer down the throat
- hostel maze, even so a wonder (bed counting so much)
- fending and breeding 'corruption' of our sister, reeperbahn
- the exhaustion, mojo club
- for the headless adventurous, sternschanze
- ha dot sunshine!
- getting lost and indian food, rostock
- chef 'identifying' (with) tourists
- WARNEMUENDE - BEACH BEACH SUNSHINE, DANCING like no one cares

thank you for leaning in

brain dead extremity

lying down pretty much paralyzed, 'wide eye'
inside the dilated pupils one sees nothing but the mesmeric abyss
'what's beneath those?' one asks
the deepest you could go could be some magma hitting metal
'oh wow i haven't seen with eyes closed for too long' is
   but not a line that could be sparked in an inactive mind

after some tens of hours even with minimal motion she gets really tired
hardly blinking, geist frozen in thin cold air
senses shut off in resounding silence, tactile deadly
so it wasn't really cold when it can't be felt
   even if scales start growing it still can't be felt

just
when you think it's time to let go oh
you hear the churning organ growls
   meh
now you gotta feed and let her rot alive
you smell it
and she doesn't

*
what do you see, through your eyes, when you close your eyes? (try just close the lids. then try close the lids and further block the light with your hands)
   - i see bluish, purplish shapes flying towards me it's like space traveling
   - i see florescence

what do you see, in your mind, when you close your eyes? (try it at different times, day and night, busy and duk han; when you have a different state of body, tired and energetic)

the plight of the walker

you know something goes astray when you spend too much time interpreting the conversation, the interaction
they are nothing for interpretation anyways cause your head gets so messed up you can hardly recall the bits
order becomes un-order
memory becomes too selective and overtly biased
and then pops up the imaginary images constituting fake memories
you can't tell if they are from your dreams or desires or if they are real

i don't even know what i want
do i want the strange adventure in the maze or the comfortable park just for a leisure walk
why do i have to choose do i get to decide anyways?
maybe i do but i do not want to and again it's the plight of the privileged
getting to choose is only for those who enjoy the right to

but why do i talk maze when we are walking in the park
does it count as talking maze tho
what's there to talk about if we don't talk about the maze if the maze seems like the destination we are heading towards?
do the bushes in the park bore us out?

and i hit my forehead in the mirror maze too many times maybe i could just relive the pain walking in the park

but history repeats itself

who moved my self discipline

SO MUCH TO READ SO SO MUCH TO READ GOSH
so much to learn so much to learn

so much that i want to learn and so easily tired and distracted and lazy and wanna procrastinate
i guess i needa threaten myself

- what would this make you in five, ten years?

go stuff yourself i needa stuff myself hard and brutal ROAR!

jesus maybe i shouldn't start a new series after grey's
...

some best of the leipzig experience happened today

insanely drenched inside out in positive energy
and
maybe it's a good thing that i left early tho i sorta regretted it now :/
tho i guess if i got too happy and excited and hyper i would have a riskier time biking home

things are always the best hung in mid air
like
you left a good impression then you can go
you don't wanna overboil the milk
 - right, let's stick with this :)

like last semester i was complaining how it had been different from the DC experience so turns out it isn't any worse
great people geniuses warm hearted charmers
the gang is still here just
you needed time to swim through adaptation and breaking the ice and feeling at ease
or
have i progressed in socializing?

and i see best friends here

rare has been this type of person who clicks the first time you meet
 - well to be precise not the first time but let's say the first week, or few weeks
isn't it how things happen
or it's not really clicking but people take interest in you and you let it
or i take interest in people (but never do much about it and later regret how i possibly miss out on awesome wonders)
so there's a new friend like this
maybe or maybe not 'risking' something mama would dread
or maybe i have a barricade inside of me too im not sure im fear to face my unjustifiable 'issue'
unjustifiable but understandable but unforgivable problem like
ta is the first person from the the place you are so utterly unfamiliar with even though ta is seemingly pretty much westernized and mainstreamed - ta might as well just be a 'european' - yea let's put it this way

phew it has been a sky-diving week and on today, thursday, i attempted landing.

days with my bike and days with the awesun

things that put a smile on the face
- ta and you got the bike together, and you hung out at alcapulco, and you had dinner at spizz
- talked to cath and obviously she could be a missed gemstone
- new sg girl gosh she is like from where you're from, and she lives right across the hallway where your friend used to live hahahahahaha crazy
- wonderful bonding happened with anne and nic, and possibly jon and huse and oma
- biker community lol well lose
- and you spoke for the group in the silly colloquium like a native
- most importantly, you crashed two seminars you hadnt registered for seemingly would continue with them (?) (!), in addition to classes you are already in which you are enjoying (right)
- go get it scholarships and work opps don't stooop
- mag and i talked!

just chur it hard so you get to later brag about it aha aha

and the mist obscuring the view is growing thin

2014 March Bliss

3月20日是我的大好天吧
爸媽明天要離開了（這不是原因lol）
整天有蔚藍天氣和煦陽光讓我們感受仙樂飄飄的城市

昨晚順利地很快找到住處 房間很大（！）
早上欣賞了美麗的風光 有do re mi 花園有高壘 遠眺舊城老街加上灣灣曲曲的河道很悅目可愛 也簡單認識了鹽堡的歷史
下午坐火車前想到了較省錢的交通方法
坐火車時檢票員沒有在其中一張票打印剛好讓我之後用得上
晚上酒店升級給我們住到比首晚好的房間
爸說是因加得減（不是因減得加嗎？）

事情的Causation 也許是自己拉出來的
如果不是改了要早一天回慕尼黑或許不會住到套房（雖然沒有用上廚房和洗pat pat 的裝置但看着覺得很厲害哈哈）
如果不是決定坐晚20分鐘開但遲40分鐘到的慢車，結果坐上奧地利而不是德國火車，也不會買到便宜一點的車票而檢票員（因此？）沒有打印
但是誰知道呢？

運？媽媽會說是氣吧

論怎樣，保持豁然開朗的心，亦隨心讓自己驚訝於事情的美好精采
不要吝嗇讓快樂的情緒跑出來，自己開心也感染身邊的人
來感染我吧
（雖然有時傻樂時間太長有點令人作嘔，but being cynical is part of the fun lol，就樂有時cynical有時吧）

love,
the despicable susceptible me.

***

想寫一封信給和我一樣迷失的你
是頗有趣的 我們常常互訴迷失方向的感受
其實是不存在答案的吧

本能地總想作出可行的建議
但是我們似乎相似到這程度：塞了管道只有自己能夠打通
Mentor 在嗎？

祝我們都好好的，慢慢找到喜歡的生活方式，找到理想的工作然後evolve with it，make it us

（btw，我覺得我很奇怪沒趣啊你怎麼頂受得住lol）

***承上

好救命啊
近週閑了一點，靜的時候腦袋就浮出人生的意義這個問題
這個問題到底纏繞了我多久
上次火車上和爸媽講到世上沒有徹底真實的知識，所以現在學習覺得很不實在
意思是現在的科學理論只涵蓋到無限混沌而不可知的極小部分，極有可能在一了解到比現在所知以外的丁點時，理論就站不住腳
灰心，但灰心也很沒用
正如steve說：錯唒都比零好（我以前應該也有相同的信念吧：regret having done it over regret not having even tried；為甚麼apply到生活中的事情apply不到整個人生呢？）
與爸媽討論的結論也沒差很遠，就是：那就在有限裡追求盡量多的吧
Enjoy being the process not the results，反正results應該也不存在（天啊！）（和宗教信仰skeptic的一派一樣吧）
明知可為而為之也是一種難得的勇氣

goet, in the five finger palace

the horriblest friend i am
i challenged:
what distress have you gone through

'death'

muted was i and
my leaky coral brain's the one to blame

don't judge a book by its cover
there's a story in everyone

but im so damn crazily empty

and i oughta walk with caution these days at Goet.

what would i become if it were me

and i should apologize shouldn't i.

what to feel and what to empathize
what is there to empathize and how
what to not feel and what to take
what to try and what to retain
and how to retain

all the absurdity

why am i alive i never chose to

FORZA told me to stay positive
eh ma ma i thought i was more positive than many already aint i

feeling like a hypocrite
or a schizophrenic

i don't behave what i write

holy just go finish your last paper and stop indulging in hyper brain activity

memories and mechanism

i have forgotten how my brain worked when i was 24 and younger
it was plain insanity
just
   how did i think

in the past few weeks i had several occasions of deep and prolonged reminisce
it was rare
have i reached the age?
do other people do the same?
do my parents do the same?
do you?

one time when i was watching a choir performed
it dragged me back into the morning lunch time after school practice
and then all the wo che memories
less remembered ones but well experienced
everything rosy
all the thorns are screened, of course

how does my brain choose what to retain had i not chosen consciously what to remember?
how are fragments selected and why
or
is it anything
interestingly what i choose to remember i remember not
i guess it takes time for things to condense
does
what im reading now ever condense?
seems not?
how can i intensify these so they will be better marked?

in no position to verify whether any images are real memories or just make-ups
maybe i have everything in my mind
but just Vorstellung

*
so today i was just watching a bunch of schoolers got inside of the trams
making laughs having fun
good old times bygone
is there a better simpler clearer more straight forward state of mind ahead?
is that the gift of Alzheimer's

how did i think when before this and
what is this?

does sleeping more help, or sleeping enough?
seriously i dnt know how much is enough
why is human body like this
bizarre and amusing

JANUAR 21 STOLZ DARAUF

first day of snow in leipzig
flakes descending from heaven
holy beams extending glowing from above
stream of strength fliessen in the reverse direction
against gravity
divinity in manifestation
BEHOLD!
enjoy the weightless sugar frost covering ashes and dirt
upon its gentle touch grey into gold it turns
the almighty sacred whiteness OH!

the best group of light-hearted encounter
i love my group of guy friends
who talk of the bigger the better the wiser the more joyous
the more deserving of our appetite and time
maybe this needs more literal record of
the turkish dinner noam the yogurt and the carrot
rice with hexagon pasta baked with a splash of oil
moist cake and black tea
and josef in reluctance to bedtime
the jack under three
oh dear the good looking the boy the mythical hero and the related to the prophet
thank you fertility
LOVE

and i got my royal mail the offer is official!
big eye pride!

forza to sail

too much i can say about the past few weeks, it was roller coastery
landing me on the land of crisis - but ultimately landed, with my feet on solid ground

the successive skype therapy gave me good FORZA
and now this is my anchor i hold on to my port that i set my eye on to continue with my sail
rough sea or boring lake
still pretty scenaries
tuning perspectives

i didn't know what i want and i was scared
but who does
being scared is a good sign - it means you think and you ponder, you care and you try hard to figure it out
futile or not
maybe destined to be futile - no alternative
still good
some dose of blind optimism
things can always go worth - and things can always go better
what's the tragedy - one oughtta spit the phlegm

i just think the story of hatred will make the best-sell list but
why write if its melodramatic and full of hatred and grieve
let it go and let it be
blur the lines

read
just read about slavery: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slavery
and its history - a chapter in Inhuman Bondage: The Rise and Fall of Slavery in the New World by David Brion Davis
   - gets me thinking: how was brutality put up with, human commoditized and monetized, and the extent skin color determine ones' life is utterly horrifying - worse and better, always worse and better.