嫲嫲的教導

欠意識？

厭世？

感動的是她看着伙兒的努力，也許便願意振作一下下，即使是短暫的午餐時間。

人生，就是零碎的奮力，despite 更多時時候的乏力與意志消沉。

矯情地說，為了黑夜中的星光努力，不要失去對日出的盼望。

bilingualism

me INTP the logician, whose native tongue Chinese as the language containing, embodying the system of thought is barely compatible with logic
- therefore the better articulation when i verse in English
articulation of reasons and arguments
brews the affinity to debate

how does the logician express feelings?
Chinese the language excels at subtlety and full of metaphors, like feelings

*
and i am ceasing to believing in myself because i am inconsistency am uncertainty

*
how do you talk feelings in English?
English talking feelings is like dissection
you tear the skin and pierce through the septum
there
my organ no music to ears

*
Chinese, like drawing
the untold like blank space
making subtlety and therefore complete and pleases the senses

so when the two languages talk
through two mouths or in one head
it could fail communications or make schizophrenia

or worse come to the worst
the mouth fails the mind, head or heart

two-bodied problem
single-bodied bilingualism syndrome

life story in five sentences

1. random emotions rode swung swelled buoyed the stubborn kid
2. the seeker sought attention approval appreciation through living the recipe life
3. privileges biases nuances delicacies only then came to be known, accidentally trod into the unprecedented pseudo "alternative"-turned-normacy outside of the greenhouse

4. half eagerly partly determined venturing into the normalcy adventure or barred to

5.

good encounter

peak hour
beyond full capacity
same train
exact same car

we stood at an arm's length's apart
and i got to
not poke, pat the arm
that exact same coat i saw you wearing the day before yesterday
"hey"

we seemed happy to see each other

thank you for the face, that happy face of yours
i like that face

this speaks to some
coincidence it is
- and coincidence passes

but it was a good encounter

have a good one, dear you, dear me, dear us

too much existential angst

it's okay too if you decide to take a break
away from everything except for your
sometimes calming and beautiful solitude, or dreadful and transcendent loneliness
and your restless mind, or restful

it's okay to fret, maybe it's okay to be abrasive as well but
is that what you decide on?
if you remember to inhale and think to decide?

what little control

or the right amount, of angst, of control

the inconsistency aka people losing their shit

hark!
and behold!

and i shall stare into its all eyes
there, glare

confront with bravery and comprehend and understand
embrace it with open arms
tuck and hug and contain
be bigger than that
- for i have not been free of It myself!
this guilty and innocent mindless rightful wrongdoings, this sensible insensitivity

i have suffered, and i have made sufferance onto 'thers
because we have all been strained, almost bending if not already
mad world madness thrusted onto our wee selves, our teeny-weeny big selves with an ego small therefore big

my senses have evaded me - more than once
and i plead for their return - time and again
and be prepared be hopeful be ready that it will happen again - because it will
for you like a lot others are full of passion and emotions and a lot of existential angst
the beautiful annoyance the anointed
humans

and i shall have faith on others and our sanity and humanity and the mystic forces of nature
we will be rough and we will return to calmness

we will

*
thank you anthony wong, who demonstrated easy peasiness casually talking of inconsistencies
and generously graced me with his vulnerability

缺乏底氣

where does their clarity come from, these passerby of my life


autumn
the leaves fall
she is irritated and she is cool
and she has seen through me that, despite my banter, i am no doer

trevor says bruises fade for a reason


mo
she is overwhelmed by her very overwhelming world but still she takes an interest in your problems too
and she saw right through that i was being intimidated
intimidation by circumstances
was that circumstances

these days i have not the patience not the capacity to contain,
i thought i did,
the problems of others now i see mine
they don't have to be mine but these day they feel like they are mine as long as i hear them
or if i don't, i seem cold

fake logic
but am too weak to handle well


i thought i introspected enough
non
not at all

but what's after introspection? emotions reflecting feelings reflecting values

don't seek

it's actually understandable

after all, we all take care of ourselves and ourselves alone
it's nothing about thoughtlessness, nor selfishness
that would be a misnomer, a harsh and mean accusation. wrong
it's just
when life (any life, all lives) is so overwhelming, who has the energy to do more than the bare minimum?
most of the time we fail to meet even the minimum

- even though i thought we divide the pain by sharing, and double the joy by sharing

darn i am ef-king anthony!
we suffer we are tormented because we care too much
call quits already if you decide it's not worth it

- 'suffer, suffer for worthy causes' says wit 



this consoles
https://www.facebook.com/goalcast/videos/1616965051714012/ 

don't seek happiness

everyone is a mess and we are all still lovable?

得體的人好看。未得體

迷糊間就過去

自覺做得不足

但似乎事情本該如此這般

如此這般一般般

的確是付出了當時願意使出的氣力

大概氣力多半分就會臨近崩潰

必定是潛意識決定了：不值得

20分氣力80分結果的這般

若要多用80分氣力以達到最後的20分，也真不值得

該認真，還是該犬儒？

認真犬儒

做得不好，檢討，竟落得自己諸多辯駁

人老了會洩氣

或者可以考慮多加練習，自我完善

--- 公事檢討有(冷)感

Parting with insecurity: no abyss of failing

Credits: Eunice, who has transformed into the realist and the wise - yes they co exist!

The fab and the confidence that beamed off when you were free and carefree. GO BACK TO BEING THAT, because that's the best place to be, the place you glow and conquer; AND because there's really NO ABYSS OF FAILING - stop worrying and stop being preoccupied by the weary. Rise Up and Regain the Shine!

There is no abyss of failing, when you simply do not fail at all but trip and get back to your feet after some rest, as experience has repeatedly shown. Hurdles and challenges are true, but failing is 偽命題。(empiricism though he critiqued, you know its coming to be is still constructive, despite its being overrelied on)

The abyss of failing does not exist except in your imagination. You imagine you being thrown off to eternal misery but you had never really, and you would never be really. It is not a bend of oneself and a bend of belief. Bend it back. Restructure your belief.

Focus on yourself. I am so complete just by myself.

Rising above insecurities

The fault of romanticism the witty cheeky said

One shouldn't assume another single human being be the all perfect the brainy the nicest the sex partner the everything

How common it is you want the brain of this intellectual companion and the heart of this other understanding friend and the character of this sociable and fun buddy and the mind of this mentor and the physique of the well built. If it's not five persons there are at least two

It always takes a lot of effort, and i would really be killing my game if I despise the effort laying

You verbalise you converse and you evolve, hopefully in the same direction, or never. But, as some say and you claim to hold to for other businesses, try and fail rather than give up and regret

With age and some maturity you'd be, supposedly, able to contain the uneasy conversation

He said there's no problem between us except for some miscommunications. My unsecured soul wasn't so convinced

He told me to stop screwing my brain. And what he said put some cool to my head

Annnd then he would be unreachable for a bit of time, not even long. And screws of my brain loosen

It's a circle. Goes ups and downs all the time. Our roller coaster lives

I always choose to believe they are genuine in what they say, but where the heck are their faith from? 

Certainty freaks me out. Assertiveness disgusts me. Faith surprises me, mostly in bad ways, if ever good ones would come about

Weirdness aspiration

All of sudden being weird is hyped, or is it just me

Do they think being weird is bad?

To me being weird only means being different, and because being different is kind of good, being weird is sort of good too. What logic.

And they are weird because they are complex. They think a lot of things and they have dimensions, which makes being weird extra extra good now.

Funny then I think not being weird is almost bad. Who wants to be normal and not weird really?

And I want to be weird too lol

Why don't they agree that am in the weird gang now lol

Are they monopolising the weirdness

Belittling my complexities and depth

How dare they

I think I am weird

Or maybe I really am not

But I aspire to be

a collective: sorting my thoughts

taking part in thereby becoming a part of a collective takes courage, or maybe esteem
because a collective is almost inevitably reductive i.e. the one or few shared cause(s). it eliminates the individuals and their nuances, which paradoxically add up to become the thing
it's discomforting


but maybe it's worth it, to become a collective, at least temporarily, for good, worthy causes
a collective is usually more powerful than an individual, isn't it?
further, it's not like you often take your own initiative anyways...! it's not like you are giving up your independence forever!

it's likely my pride obstructing - that i think am more complex and cautious and even better. bad pride. wrong pride.
or it's my lack of courage and self-doubt: i don't believe that i would be accepted as part of the group, because am a bit reserved and different - and everyone is different and unique really.
and, am i unable or at least unwilling to compromise, should the group actions contradict my personal values
the last one seems like the biggest reason - and pff i said am open
on what grounds in what way can i be so confident assertive of my values and believes that i cannot compromise?
perhaps the one value i hold fast onto is that everyone should always reflect and modify their opinions, and, those who don't deserve despise
at the extreme of this opinion of mine - everyone has no lasting opinions... not very constructive huh
useless

the above said -
i guess making mistakes are the right things to do; it's much better than inaction to avoid faults
so, join a collective and think, hate it love it or both, but defo join a collective because it's action and action is good.


so, after food or sex,
collective or individual?
    am so for individual but i should try to move to collective (oosh!)
another good one asked was childhood or adulthood (thank you joan a new friend i met)
i have a new one too, a bit grim: cancer or dementia

唔受

i don't take compliments well
i don't know if it's an asian thing or, well, at least it has to be about the upbringing doesn't it?

my parents didn't give out a lot of compliments when i was a kid
maybe most people in this culture don't

i mean, sometimes i received compliments, but they were earned
which i would appreciate and still not know how to respond really

and over years i have only become more critical to myself
so why do you give me compliments for my work am not satisfied with

i mean, sometimes i let loose but when am loose i even more so loathe undeserving compliments
unearned compliments are either disgusting or puzzling to me, probably mostly disgusting than puzzling
because they come from nowhere and only seem insincere
'what is your agenda?' i really doubt your intention
or when am tired i bin it. dismissed

reference: https://www.quora.com/How-should-I-respond-to-a-fake-insincere-compliment-for-the-purpose-of-making-fun

he probably had no bad intention really
illy-pulled joke, or at least wrongly-targeted
sexist with a surface of harmlessness
he sometimes pulled self-deprecation
and i never found it a bit funny
or sometimes i found it funny i thought about it afterwards and found myself shabby enjoying petty jokes. regret

surprises me how others enjoy it, even so many of them
wasted energy better unspent. negative value

so many more meaningful things to think about more smarter jokes to make

introvert logicians

david is an introvert
and it's nice to hang out with an introvert
introvert-to-introvert talk is a talk that involves no small talk

so today, we talked about life, values, and perspectives

i learnt about malcolm gladwell's partial narrative about julie gillard
i first heard about the lousiana purchase (shocking ignorance damn!)
i gained an appreciation of the united states which i thought i had lost over the past two, three years
i tried to understand how it's possible to be progressive in values and conservative in actions at the same time - maybe john stands with david on this
- i verified his opinion on feminism and affirmative action
we talked about our our relationship with our parents and family interactions (jelly me)
we talked about the educations we had and how they were odd and funny
we recounted how grateful we are for the gtown experience (needed the distance from home to think)
we shared our affection for new experiences and loathing for, can i say - being imprisoned by the sense of insecurity
and he says he has such a spectrum of friends that he is open to changing his opinions over time with enough information

provocation and controversies are great when one has an open mind

good friendships live after seven years - and we weren't even that close back then
life makes turns and twists in surprising ways



relevantly or not, a few days back, i felt -

"It's not nice to play nice

It's not right when you disagree with something and you choose to mute

That's free riding on the courageous and the doers

It's not fair, and unfairness makes crime

I don't like confrontations but I stand up to arguments, because they are very different things

Arguments may lead to confrontations but they may not too

Even with the most pessimism that arguments maybe unsprouted confrontations, arguments itself is about containment of emotions and strive for ration

Arguments along rations to find truth, one is prepared to be argued down and humbly learn and transcend 

One has to curb their ego when they choose the arguing path"

he mentioned his being accused of lack of empathy and compassion, and that's me too...

is 'close-minded logician' an oxymoron?

hey hey hey

i live in wonderings

i took a peek into the attic
the attic where the memory boxes are stored

a subtle urge there within me
to unbox IT
THE PRECIOUS (gollum style)

but
and
um
ofcourse
as the coward gollum
i had no guts to

i was not ready for that much of emotions coming back to me
it could flood me
maybe to death
not yet

when i was in the moment, it felt intense - but certainly not to such overwhelming extent
i was a bigger container then

i always remember how it felt
even though a lot of details have faded, or already dissipated
pity?
but lucky me to have ever had this box
the letter is gone (or hidden? sorry!)
but i always remember how it felt

how i wish i would open it
how little i dare to

will i, ever?
will i get to make another?

i live in memories
i live in speculations
i live in wonders