adulting

and birmy and croat are back!
how is this not more important than the mismatch and the new without-name

we have grown, and are continuing to grow
develop our stamina and upping our 'adversity' dealing prowess (hah adversity)
aka our adulting capacity
but there are beauts here in there in our little ambitions and minute achievements too
in addition to the big love and support and connection we share, sometimes absent but it's there
maybe a phone call or a few messages away

we are adults now
presumably we are
and giant kids too
with a lot more things in our heads and things to tend
who would have thought there could be so many things
even (way) before we enter parenthood

we have become more reflective and understanding
towards the world's uncertainties and messiness
because whose lives are not ambiguous and all over the place if we are to
embrace
bandwidth they say


who stays sane in this claustrophobic city senseless to the common
mad world
and here we continue to sail in the haze under the storm
with grace and audacity

sooner shorter weird negative feeling, for the better - time will do its job

what intense feeling of
not regret not disgust not jealousy
just
attention whore maybe self-centeredness
i still have not figured this out

reason
i still keep imaging the faintest idea of
he and i not us despite
despite
how awful it had become at some point
the unlikable unpleasant pushy overly and overtly demanding me
uncommunicating and assuming
communications failed when two lives had some many components apart from the other life

peacefulness was uneasy
incidental?
how was anything ever achievable
how was anything achievable ever, even sustainable
sustainable so heavy
reluctance
weary
treacherous

value
i wanted the world spin around me
craze
it's unreasonable
arrogance
unrealistic

i was disappointed at myself
how my emotions betray my aspired values
my aspirations not achieved
so far from them

do i wish well
my wishes don't even matter
but should i wish well
can i genuinely wish them well

he was handling it the right way
but
oddly
there's no bright side to this or any handling

life
and matters
people
and emotions

makes no sense

what does anyone do when he should tell and you don't want to know
should the thing be known?

in the short run no
but in the long run yes
so yes

it will pass
like the other thing
and a lot of other things

let time do its job

what else can i say

we do not privatize someone we do not love and only like
in whatever way we like
i even aspire to not privatize anyone i love
maybe only under some circumstances

i would almost say monoamory is so much easier but it's not
any relationship is not
but perhaps like a phd it's wearing but also rewarding to invest yourself so much
are kids easier than partners
unconditional love guaranteed
how

i do hope that i will get to experience the transcendence to selfless love for some creatures

*** 16 hours later
i occurred to me that perhaps it was jealousy
of she successfully 'colonizing' (LOL) and i did not

and then i had ill thoughts of her youth
reminding myself of the other youth on the other side of the republic
i try to comfort me that youth was unstable
(and i was and still am unstable!)

but come on the agency of the subservient
anyone not you
it's also a collusion
friend's version of partner in crime
more equal if not at all equal standing
i did not get to make you and see you and live you in bliss - my fault
and
you did not get to tame me convert me into a stable state of security and satisfaction your inability

reciprocity?
our languages were different
maybe we talk better now, each from our own balcony
which is as precious as the unbecoming not realized

time
too soon, too short, but not just time

we were and still are

differently wired

hence i was flustered by my own weird feeling, to pass
it felt like a shame, but it wasn't
and it was not a pity. a pseudo pitiful thing

but the thirties handled it better than you did when you were twenty-three
so learn from it
and i wish it would not happen again and it probably would
and you would suffer from it and rise from it and grow from it and learn to appreciate the experience

balancing the unbalanced

insecurity
looming
killing
nipping lives in the bud

only in hindsight had i realize it was utmost stupidity
love was all around and i was imagining insecurity and i killed
us
the many
us-es

so with hindsight experience apart from comparing points in time
compare points at the same time
carpe diem

you must now be able to tell that there was something
removed by you, at least partially
but there is something too
and try not to feel think imagine insecurity now
there is something worth braving yourself for
walking across valleys of insecurity
that's in you
and

that's in them too
maybe


why am i so bad though
i almost always only guard and fend when

"core confidence"
but am i using this as a disguise
*misuse
core confidence is not about tending yourself more than you tend others
but the ability to
not be a snowflake*

be fire instead
and wood
and earth
and water

is this insensitivity

time out yourself
a lot
let it sink before you react
avoiding overreaction

assume a benevolent motive they say
and ask yourself what you are responding too they say

The Mothers by Brit Bennett

the words are delectable, because it's a lot of showing

of the meticulous action of the intense feelings and the mental struggles

which is precious treasure immensely enjoyable

but the plot

is sentimental and made-up sentimental

it's great depth happening in the mothers' familial and romantic contexts

but what's beyond these two dimensions

the triangle, nadia, aubrey and luke

there is 

with the limited information i am not sure what to judge, if judging is acceptable

i don't know if nadia and luke did anything wrong

what if what's wrong is the premise of monogamy

and as rachel said, timing - too early and then too late

oh fate the brat the scoundrel

romance and lust the decadence, of love

between a woman and a man and a woman and a woman

and a mother and a baby and a father and a baby, before they meet and after they never get to meet

perhaps one can be mad at someone they love but cutting ties hurts oneself more

maybe what's wrong is cheating

i actually think nadia and aubrey can share luke

like luke can share nadia with aubrey and aubrey with nadia

Unintentional flirting

one hour into the conversation

after I, or we, had the needed change of scene 

in the second location, coffee as you always suggest with which I always go along

I thought I could no longer look at anyone that way

(I never and neither knew I looked at anyone that way, not did I know I could)

but I was tempted. and it was helpless.

all of a sudden I thought I would ask this whimsical question,

"Who do you think is cooler, you or your wife?"

at you who never considered yourself cool.

shocked, you were; that look on your face, in awe

you responded "I never consider myself cool," or you dodged my compliment, "could I find myself cool, I would have won." everything in Cantonese, ofcourse.

loooooool

we're you shocked that I implied I found you (sort of) cool?

Your wife is one lucky dame