sooner shorter weird negative feeling, for the better - time will do its job

what intense feeling of
not regret not disgust not jealousy
just
attention whore maybe self-centeredness
i still have not figured this out

reason
i still keep imaging the faintest idea of
he and i not us despite
despite
how awful it had become at some point
the unlikable unpleasant pushy overly and overtly demanding me
uncommunicating and assuming
communications failed when two lives had some many components apart from the other life

peacefulness was uneasy
incidental?
how was anything ever achievable
how was anything achievable ever, even sustainable
sustainable so heavy
reluctance
weary
treacherous

value
i wanted the world spin around me
craze
it's unreasonable
arrogance
unrealistic

i was disappointed at myself
how my emotions betray my aspired values
my aspirations not achieved
so far from them

do i wish well
my wishes don't even matter
but should i wish well
can i genuinely wish them well

he was handling it the right way
but
oddly
there's no bright side to this or any handling

life
and matters
people
and emotions

makes no sense

what does anyone do when he should tell and you don't want to know
should the thing be known?

in the short run no
but in the long run yes
so yes

it will pass
like the other thing
and a lot of other things

let time do its job

what else can i say

we do not privatize someone we do not love and only like
in whatever way we like
i even aspire to not privatize anyone i love
maybe only under some circumstances

i would almost say monoamory is so much easier but it's not
any relationship is not
but perhaps like a phd it's wearing but also rewarding to invest yourself so much
are kids easier than partners
unconditional love guaranteed
how

i do hope that i will get to experience the transcendence to selfless love for some creatures

*** 16 hours later
i occurred to me that perhaps it was jealousy
of she successfully 'colonizing' (LOL) and i did not

and then i had ill thoughts of her youth
reminding myself of the other youth on the other side of the republic
i try to comfort me that youth was unstable
(and i was and still am unstable!)

but come on the agency of the subservient
anyone not you
it's also a collusion
friend's version of partner in crime
more equal if not at all equal standing
i did not get to make you and see you and live you in bliss - my fault
and
you did not get to tame me convert me into a stable state of security and satisfaction your inability

reciprocity?
our languages were different
maybe we talk better now, each from our own balcony
which is as precious as the unbecoming not realized

time
too soon, too short, but not just time

we were and still are

differently wired

hence i was flustered by my own weird feeling, to pass
it felt like a shame, but it wasn't
and it was not a pity. a pseudo pitiful thing

but the thirties handled it better than you did when you were twenty-three
so learn from it
and i wish it would not happen again and it probably would
and you would suffer from it and rise from it and grow from it and learn to appreciate the experience