pa
i might have really admired him as a child
when did i stop, 16?
i vaguely remember the idolisation gradually faded away when sis went abroad
it must be when i was about 15, 16
whose idea was it
that we went on family trips every year
it was really great
probably made up for a lot of other missed times
they were working really hard
diligence
that i inherited well
and on those trips
in every other trip or every trip
adults guessing occupations
(comparing successes?)
he was thought of having a teacher's face
or composure
he was really just being an introvert
but we are really all ambivert
it takes a while for us to warm up to others
he probably liked and still likes being considered 'reserved'
as if it's some virtue
i was and may be still am reserved
is that the same as being slow to warm up?
composure
but posture too
he slouches (now i know the word. hunching is a lot more)
he's reserved, that's why he slouches
he slouches, just as how he is reserved
the physical form representative of the personality or the mental being
he knows it's not good
he doesn't mind that we call him out
if we do it gently, in a well-meaning way
did he cry during gran and gran's last days?
i don't recall
he did look sad
and sometimes contemplative
the way he talked about the past
it was quite a lot of: realising his dad was wrong
maybe just a little bit as how i am realising that he is not right all the time
we probably think they are misled and deluded most of the time
ha
so we connect in quite a few ways
i wish he had a brother
that way i would get to see his interaction with a same-sex sibling
he is... habitually close to his sisters
am not sure he emotionally does
who is he emotionally close with?
does he not need someone to be emotionally close with?
does he just form vicarious relationships with, writers or commentators he reads about?
does that even work
everything that lives in his head
i wonder how active his head is
i guess some men don't think they need to be emotionally close with anyone
is he sensitive?
i think so
but he is coward
he senses and he doesn't act to resolve, confront
omg
is my brother in law emotionally close to anyone?
is this a men's thing... to not be
they do sound like a different species to me
but i think i can connect with people like these in some ways
the brainy way
which sometimes lends glimpses into the feeling way
he loved us
maybe when we were cute, dependent kids
i guess he loves us
but it's bizarre for me to have to know with so little him showing and saying
this is already showing i suppose
lol
it is
so subtle
subtly fatherly love
he would stick around when mum and i have calls
and never initiate
suppose he enjoys calls with me?
or does he only enjoys tagging along on calls that he never initiates or receives
passive loving?
*
my parents are quite a bit consistent
which is good
maybe that's very adequate already
*
in the last i was saying ma told me all the don'ts
i think pa does it way less
maybe comparing is bad
but he is complicit too. and that's not good
he did tell me to not study social science
at least that's how i remembered it
and later he told me he didn't say that
but he did tell me if i were to get a lesser degree
i needed to get another
i remember that quite vividly
he, and they, pulled in all the resources
it was easy
so the biggest gift has been education
did she not know that it came with critical thinking and rebellion
i think he makes more peace with that than she does
i hope he is proud of me
- the thing that asian parents never say
how we crave it
do i crave it?
i think he is proud of me
i think they both are
i have the confidence to know that they do
is he having a good time, post-retirement?
i guess he is
proud of what he has achieved
made himself and his family decently well-off
(how much does he understand it's so much about chances and opportunities
but of course he materialised it
and he wasn't greedy)
sent both me and my sis to unis, both for more than one degrees
debt-free
so impressive
i am not hopeful i can do the same
lol
how long can he savour that fulfilment and enjoy the contentment that comes from feeling successful?
i hope it lasts long
took 30 years to make
it better lasts 10 years
material well being and sense of satisfaction
maybe it needs to last 30 years
unless he embraces reinventing himself like we millennials and z-gen have to
he would fail to be a millennial
so would she
or they would be so completely different
i hope i qualify
*
i saw photos of him playing with us as kids
he looked really happy
i thought he stopped smiling like that since we became teens because no one smiled naturally in those photos
there must be ways to get around it
lol
i hope he finds that happiness again
maybe i want to be an 'enabler'
maybe that should be my goal
T_T
mum is an easier case
but i don't know if it goes deep
maybe it does
but it's a bit hard to tell
am tempted to think and say it's because she says a bit strange things
- but i don't even know what it means
maybe more like:
her beaming smile can be superficial? or it doesn't go deep?
or she's happy too easily? or she smiles too easily?
but what's wrong with it LOL
what's wrong with ME!
but mum is another topic makes another prose that i will tackle next
maybe this is exactly why they found and chose each other
him being like this needing a her like her
her being like this needing a him like him
not odd at all
*
he worked a lot
at least in some ten years or so he really worked a lot
i don't know how productive he was
did he work hard and not smart?
it was probably more okay to work hard and less smart then than now
am i trying to take credit away from him by asking this question?
not really... but it's good to... reflect?
he produced a lot, by giving a lot
and gave a lot that we did not feel it was a lot
because it was not for feeling, but using
this is a bit about taking things for granted now isn't it?
it's a good reminder
a bro friend of mine, kind of thought he would want to 'achieve' want my dad 'achieved' (maybe i adjusted what he meant
i should really be grateful
*
was there really an emotionally lacking part lol
i need to dig deeper
[...]
and a few more anecdotes i wanted to remember
him not loving an early boyfriend of my sis'... hairkerchief
him cooking what he knew from... gran?, or where
how did he learn to cook (without looking at recipes) and how does she never know how to cook
maybe she has improved a lot now LOL
i need to give her credits
and let go of past, now obsolete impressions (now biases)
how did he
did he decide
or did he agree with ma
that we shouldn't be told right away when gran stopped breathing
i am not sure it was a wrong thing they did
in my (now past) head she had a rough period
he said she choked
maybe that was it
i hope that was it
maybe i would be so hysterical
maybe feeling like i missed it would be less painful than being in and experiencing that hysteria
maybe it was calculated
i had been thinking they made the wrong decision not getting me and sis right away
what would i do now
maybe i need to talk this through with sis
this seems like an important conversation to have
maybe we would have a conversation, in an unlikely manner reach a conclusion, and then change or mind and drift away or forget what our decisions have been
maybe it's ok to not be clear
it's impossible to be clear
but maybe it's still better to have that (or some) conversation
i want to have this conversation with anthony
i hope he is genuinely emotionally close with his lover
even though we are all islands and are alone and lonely in one way or another
maybe more than one way or another
it's probably inevitable
maybe it's ok to be and feel alone
oh
maybe pa is just enjoying being independent and on his own
like i am
lol
why is it cool and natural and mature of me and weird for him
erm
but am emotionally close with a few
oh hui ming
yea i hope they are emotionally close
ah it's good to know (or imagine to know) he is normal like i am
lol
because i am normal
LOL
*
i can probably press and feel and get more out
but i will go to bed now
goodnight dad
and mum
and everyone in this world who i love and adore
*
i need to write one for mum
and gran
and sis
and friends
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