Dear friends whom I owe cards and letters

Dear people actually friends who deserve at least an email actually a hand written card from me because I know they are nice to receive and you do have that much weight in my life no I mean paper weight weightier than electronic 

I love you 

But my hand writing is awful. I don't know if it's legible. And the world already has my biometrics and am not sure I want to give them my handwriting. And how do I find the suitable cards and papers and pens? Nothing, absolutely nothing, is perfectly matchy enough of my affection and sentiment towards you - because what we have is so unique, you are so unique. I am so unique too.

I know the only resort is for me to diy something, so with ikea effect I would feel it's finally worth it. But how do I find the time! Where's the ikea of Christmas cards and long distance friendship cards. Art stores I guess. Ok I will go tomorrow.

Or maybe I write an email tomorrow. Will sprinkle with emojis… 

2023 in review + North Star for 2024

Yes I would need to stock take, review, write it down. It would do me good, right? Because there are things pending me to do, a future me to become and to achieve.

Theory U : I need to declutter my life, I mean how I spend my time. Most likely it's about

1. spending less time scrolling, posting "trying-and-failing-to-solicit" posts. Replace those with actually putting in the work to develop my own thought leadership

2. spend less time being uncomfortable with being myself. I there's some but little value in going to networking and being awkward there, and bashing myself for not being an extrovert. Just embrace my way to meet and connect with people. I need to respect and appreciate myself more

3. be better at organising my thoughts and learning, so I spend less time going in circles of futility and reduce wastage. I mean it's unavoidable but I'd like to try become better at learning through living. Naturally and organically but not lost.

I am assuming the above is what Theory U entails. I am actually not sure.

*

Then, about 2023. It was a good year. It's say better than 2022. Wasn't it. Of course a lot of it was about my jobs. I mean my experience with my jobs, and what the job made me.

The P job. It was, haha, easy? I wasn't busy. But I felt very restrained, by the size of the company, the hierarchy, the silly "corporate" culture (was it typical "corporate culture"?). I guess the colleagues around me drained me a lot too, because of how different we were, work-culturally speaking. 

But because it was kind of easy o had time to be part of running a bookstore. And was it also that year (of 2022) when I was on Good Finance Institute, then Ensemble? Haha, good fun. 

2023, with H, I could count my projects! PG, Ed, JC, RF, CAN, CSS. Was also a bit in others' projects: DFS, Car, Cha, what else? 

Was also on other things: events, and more. August was a lot.

Oh, and a lot of learning and acquiring: this whole framework thing, the Obs thing, the games, and more tools. Ecosystem friends, existing and new. Meeting building nurturing. Synergising fighting calibrating. Phew.

I must have been at a f tonne of events. It's lunacy. 

Ok I guess it was entrepreneurial.

And I did a course too. It was light, and therefore a bit nice.

Or maybe it wasn't so many things, not in total. Because everything was small. Except that our brains, or maybe my bandwidth, doesn't work not  this way. These things occupied a lot of my headspace, and my whole self actually.

Umm yes it would have been nice had we have say just 3-5 things, for the whole year. Considering capacity say four 250k projects, just me and three other teammates. One season each. And each season with 1-2 other small things, single or handful workshops. That'd be ideal wouldn't it? 

Sorry for the digression.

Oh HM! There's never perfection but it's pretty darn good! Excellent for me at my current stage. High autonomy, me to create my "universe". Surrounded by smart and kind souls. Opportunity to learn new things and grow. What more can I ask for?

- even more robustness in what we do: sharper, more compelling narrative and service offerings

Will it have to come at the expense of things I enjoy? 

It depends, how I trade time. Not with Ant's. But with little-value networking and little-value LinkedIn-ing.

What about a cap for low margin and low value engagements? Such as I would only do five in a year eg Ed, PG, public ones? Umm 🤔 I guess we can, but for my second or my third year?

I guess I would have to experiment. And I already experimented. Yes to a cap then. Four public. Quarterly basically.

2023 in review again in terms of events: I did - but it was part of learning and acquisition… and marketing… (yes of course): DT, Irish, The Hive, Ed; FCCI, Pw, Retk? And more whatevs.

This is helpful thought process. I will enjoy having this record.

Nourished in Europe

When I got to talk heart and soul, with new and old friends, be at Freud's old house, reconnect, find new interesting books, see more readable signs, be refreshed. It was the beginning of this nourishment journey, when I was in London.

Hiccups made it better, when it was overcomable. When I manage things and had sense of achievement. Ah I take care of myself ok :)

And Paris with Humans was WOAH. New people were not super duper comfortable but it got more ok, and more interesting and inspiring. I almost forgot how it feels like. 

The seminar was good, but the side things have been even better. Getting to meet, connect and bond with people. Amazing other sessions, learning our capabilities and ambitions. Hearing that boss wants more art infused throughout what we do. Hearing other funny or not funny but humanly stories. Meeting humanly colleagues and sharing a moment of mutual support and understanding. Meeting a poly colleague new friend. Meeting a colleague that share my birthday. Having my birthday celebrated by and with them, with my same-birthday baby. Being able to make connections for the team and contribute. Buoyed with kindness and smartness. I love differences. I put my attention on how the differences elevate me, and gets elevated. 

Good food, good wine, good vibe, new experiences. It's ridiculously good.

Short is good. Eager to see what lies ahead.

(The 🔥🔥💦💦🤗🤗🛞🛞🐥🐥's been so good too)

An excellent glorious fight with mama

I recently had a fight with my mum. It went quite well. 

It started from discrepancies in our memories, or maybe miscommunications. There was disappointment. There was me trying to right her wrong. There was us not being sensitive to one another's needs and wants, both emotional and physical.

I was very calm. 

And without thinking much about my calmness, I was weaponising my calmness - so my wise friend told me afterwards. Yes it was weapon, one was upset and the one person being "so calm" and almost indifferent to the other person's anger. My friend mentioned deference.

My sister was handling it, by telling us to stop provoking one another. I didn't think I was provoking my mum. I knew she was provoking me. I suppose she felt I was provoking her, and she was "making revenge". Juvenile. Both of us 😂 [ But also loving. You will see why ]

Eventually I was convinced by my sister that I was wrong (or immature? maybe submature lol), at least about one thing: that I was previously already upset once about this one thing mum did, and I should (could) have gotten over it. Why did I keep trolling her (and extend her feeling bad?)

Anyway. Fine 😂

I said sorry to her, with a silly smiley face full of embarrassment - how else do I sorry. I am not good at doing anything outside of 1/ this and 2/ breaking down crying. How can I arrive it being calm, sincere, and not crying?

In the first 30 seconds after my shady apology, she was still pissed off. I felt unforgiven. I should know that she needed time to process it and let it in to soothe up.

But I was too fragile and thin-hearted to be able to think straight. I was crying because I felt unforgiven. "What else do you need me to do now," it was blowing up in my head. Being grade-quite-good overthinker, I was playing "ok you can disown me" in my head. #drama

15 minutes in, she was serving me food. I knew it passed, at least on a good track to.

***

It was, emotional. A bit of a drama. Did we think it was a bad episode? 

No, it was but an excellently good episode, because how rare do we show and wash one another with more such intense emotions, even emotions that feel rough and whelming. And true emotions are precious.

It was effective communication 😆 as my wise and dear said. More good and also some sub good but still wonderful effects. Even not good effects are effects, hence effective. But it was indeed pretty good, really good effects.

Wonderful because it was memorable. Memories that we will cherish. We will miss getting to fight with one another, over silly things. Because we have one another. Because it comes from us still trying to communicate, to get into and onto one another, even if it's crossing one another.

Because we aren't pathetically too polite towards one another. Manners, that comes from mental distance and unfamiliarity.

I am grateful for the fight. Let's fight again when we are in good places. Let's also love and hug when we feel like 🤗🤗

On anticipating old age and “retirement”

Which sounds a bit scary

Maybe the way to go is to "never retire", I mean retiring from "being valuable"

I would love to continue seeing self-worth.

I could… not have a job (in the narrow sense) meanwhile

- continuing to create, maybe as a composer, a poet, or a lyricist; a painter, an author, a conversationalist. A creator

- maybe an artisan even though I feel a bit far from it. Maybe a cook 👩‍🍳 even though a feel a bit far from it. Maybe a baker, even though I feel a bit far from it

I will be full of… conditions, both good and bad. I need to remember that "bad" conditions have some good sides too. I may have dementia, and more easily get tired - I wouldn't have as much existential angst then, probably. Hopefully. I would worry much less about how to lead every second of my life in so such meaningful way. It's meaningful already, breathing and sustaining and being part of cosmos.

A naturalist who continues to enjoy and advocate the nature

I hope I am still life positive then 

I will be feeling more pain. It's not amazing. But the process of learning to live with pain will be a bit refreshing, transcendent, hence enabling me through the pain-but-less-a-thing journey

I hope I become quite at ease with anticipating the deterioration of my physique (Ahhaha I should do what I can to slow it down !) I hope I learn to welcome and become ready for my death like I do for… my other would-be milestones in life, such as the marriage/wedding that I don't want and don't have, and the childbearing, delivering and rearing that I don't want and don't have. Haha, maybe like anticipating and going to Georgetown, Leipzig and London. I wanted them, I created these opportunities, I adapted to them and made them as enjoyable as possible. There were a lot of adaptation and embracing and riding on uncertainties.

It will be ok

I'd like to be selectively numb 

So that I am less easily distracted 

I thought by the environment 

   Sound, flash, smell

But really myself too

   Itch, thirst, thoughts 

Why do I think about non-you when am with you in the first place?

Is that (in)capability?

But I don't want to be numb to you

Or of you

Or by you

Rather, I want to fuse with you, to become you, part of you and whole of you

Inseparable, inside, and out 

All encompassing

Bodily and spiritually 

Fluidly and organically

Is it possible

Why ain't I you

Fate's joke on me, that I ain't you

But fate's mercy on me

That I have you, that I met you

And we love one another 

I still doubt at times 

But you've made me better at fending that off

For being so far unwavering 

I don't know if I don't trust myself or I don't trust you

I tend to think I don't trust humanity

But what else can I trust

But love