Path

So thankful. So fucking thankful.

It was not the explosive type of brian fuck I have always dreamt of, but it was still very good brain fuck. Like the type between old couples. Full of long lasting love that you will reminisce for long. Resounding. Very wise words indeed.

It's a good place afterall, like the last but in a different way. Even more interesting and deeply caring people - one just has to more proactively seek out to them and make things happen. This is the maker bay.

Isn't John one of the best persons ever. Progressive and visionary and modest and sophisticated. Outstanding. Extremely outstanding. And his disciples.

Anthony, more direct and possibly easier to talk to. Lucid and wise and encouraging. Thank you for the illuminating conversation and sharing. It means a whole lot.

Thank you Am. A close example so accessible. Courageous and generous and intelligent. Wise too indeed. I have no doubt you will create your own world and am sure your effort will pay off.

This is one incredible place.
Patchy awesomeness shining through and blinding.

Let's make awesomeness, anywhere, any way.

some time around december 2015 / january 2016

i hate that i have become so bitter
i hate that i have become a haunting ghost who won't stop going after you
i hate that i gave up on my senses and rationality to believe in the 99.9% impossible

i hate that i have become someone whom i wouldn't choose to love

so this is snowballing into self-hatre
and talking to you almost an act of self-sabotage

and this is when i have to stop

had this discussion with goatee
when i insisted loving someone means loving someone with all one's might
even more than loving oneself
he said it was impossible

in hindsight i change my mind
i guess it's not really about loving your partner more or less than loving yourself
but rather
one only knows how to love when one loves oneself
say, in this traumatic moment of mine
if i love myself more, maybe i should not let myself become so bitter and ghastly and disgusting
but rather someone more lovable

this is very exhausting

whine 於 2016年1、2月

在我們小吵的那一次，男朋友說不明白我為甚麼畢業後選擇回我老說不喜歡的老家。
我給自己的原因是因為在外打滾不易，與其留在海外打一份「不認真」的工，不如回鄉做一份比較有價值的工作。

然後返鄉後的第七、八個月，我知道我選錯了。

說穿了，是２６、２７歲的我當時選擇了當小孩：
我厭恐老家的遊戲規則，但我沒有膽量親身不依「規距」做人；
我害怕萬一留外撈不成，要負上責任；
我害怕別人的眼光同批判，雖然口中一直聲稱自己有多不屑，但我還是很介意（想吐）。

實在很幼稚。

結果，我現在在老家ｃｏｍｆｏｒｔ　ｚｏｎｅ監獄自怨自艾。
自找的。
活該啊。

然後，現在當然不滿溫度上升，不知幾時會到沸點。

其實，即使我不知道自己追求的是甚麼，都應該知道自己不追求的是甚麼吧。
有足夠的ｓｅｌｆ—ａｓｓｅｒｔｉｖｅｎｅｓｓ，別人的認同我根本不希罕，那我幹麼因為覺得自己要走「世人」所定義的「正路」。
真是枉回來了。

keep calm, think and introspect

it probably exists in every culture in one way or another
fortunetelling
but somehow i have the impression that it's worse in asia than in 'the west', wherever that refers to
superstition

backstory
ma ma wong went to a fortuneteller to get sista's and my life story told
using our names and time/ date of our birth
yes it is a thing in hong kong
she believes in the Confucius, Buddhism and Daoism - basically a pantheist minus religions she doesn't get to know
my sister told me - i wonder how i would react had she told me that my life would only be freaking awesome. oh well, how else could it be. hahahahahah. everyone's life is ups and downs

but i was annoyed (because it wasn't f perfect?)
and i was annoyed because it was done without my consent - and my sis said oh well 'she gave you life' - is this a legitimate reason?
the usual me would argue against myself that it was my own business to get annoyed. of course ma ma wong gets to do whatever she wants, including analysing information she has - including my name and time/date of birth (LOL). it's my business (and my silliness and my decision) to choose to be annoyed/ dismissive/ amused by it.
but i was annoyed - so my rationality failed me
i felt annoyed

and i took a stroll wondering why (AWESOME btw: i realized i am a real introvert. i recharged and felt good about taking this stroll in solitude and introspecting and understanding my emotions HURRAY!)

SO
because of the deterministic nature of fortunetelling - or fatalistic (or not depending on the perspective).
i didn't (or 'don't'? do i still? - i guess not i hope not) like that in this period of me making change, trying to stop backseating my life (i.e. am changing my job!), i was told how my life was going to be. i didn't like losing control to fate.
because fortuneteller undermines my sovereignty/ autonomy/ power over my life - they don't get to decide how my life is going to be seriously... and why would anyone let them
now that i think about it, why was i even annoyed in the first place. does it mean i had the slightest thought of them joining me in the driver's seat? or some mysterious outer space forces do?
i do acknowledge circumstantial impacts, but it is always the engine-not-mirror relationship - my actions act upon the environment and the environment shapes me. a fuzzy something not a clear anything

and it's simply bizarre that ma ma wong hears this one story from the one fortuneteller. and the fortuneteller telling a story that she hears/ intended for her receipt, and her antennae are so different from mine ... and sister heard it too - whose antennae also different from mine

now that am over-ish it, am glad i had the chance