some time around december 2015 / january 2016

i hate that i have become so bitter
i hate that i have become a haunting ghost who won't stop going after you
i hate that i gave up on my senses and rationality to believe in the 99.9% impossible

i hate that i have become someone whom i wouldn't choose to love

so this is snowballing into self-hatre
and talking to you almost an act of self-sabotage

and this is when i have to stop

had this discussion with goatee
when i insisted loving someone means loving someone with all one's might
even more than loving oneself
he said it was impossible

in hindsight i change my mind
i guess it's not really about loving your partner more or less than loving yourself
but rather
one only knows how to love when one loves oneself
say, in this traumatic moment of mine
if i love myself more, maybe i should not let myself become so bitter and ghastly and disgusting
but rather someone more lovable

this is very exhausting