days of ups and downs and lesson learnt

(con't, sort of)

and i focus on petty things in life that makes me happy
my work life i over-zoomed in
and my colleagues with whom i spent so much time with, mentally
otherwise i wilt to death

i thought my emotional stability was high
but my opinion swings every day

gawd
am i stable emotionally

i thought i would rather experience ecstasy and depression than to be constantly boringly okay
i don't know how much i stick to this opinion now

i breath in
i breath out

right there's this boss i fancy
and we had good chat over lunch today
that made my day
until the familiar unfamiliar chat over the phone happened
and always at the bad time i.e. close to my bed time

i should refrain from any calls and intense conversations after 4pm now
to attain the right peaceful state of mind my dearest tranquility in preparation for bed time

wow am getting really old
- and that's okay too

yep i idealized us, of course i did

my ignorance was challenged
and no one challenges my ignorance because i know it best

i am so freaking ignorant and i know it best

and i quite take pride in knowing and admitting it
but i would be offended if someone said that i live happily in the ignorance bubble
which you did, or suggested, or hypothesized
and i wasn't pleased

i freaking hate the ignorance bubble

i was offended and mad

i was mad, but still sane, and wounded a bit
the combination of which muted me for brief seconds, and you never liked silence on the other side, of which i was also aware
but had i not been quiet i would be adding to the non-yelling - you said you weren't yelling
except that i probably couldn't have been because i ain't proficient in argument, in any language
you sounded judgemental to me. of course you didn't mean to whatsoever

i don't know which language am more fluent in. i guess am losing them both
or that i haven't had similar chats in too long a time
or that talking over the phone never really works
fuck these demonic chats

you also accused that i wasn't interested in what you were doing
i told you it wasn't entirely true, and this was partly because of my greenhouse experience
i couldn't be interested in something which i barely knew
like you couldn't be interested in Fitzgerald because you didn't know he existed

that was when i asked what you would be doing - i thought it was a sign of showing interest
and i wasn't just showing, i was genuinely curious
more about working in warfront than about you personally
i guess your patience was lacking at first and fuelled back up a bit when you started talking
i always said you were one of the most patient people i've met

right, that didn't end well, our phone chat in a long time you know how long
we both know how long
and of course you said you would call back and i stopped expecting
and i'm really used to not talking to you now because you've withdrawn yourself from my life
awaringly or not that's what you've done and what i've accepted and gotten used to and growing fond of
i suppose you want me well, and getting accustomed to your absence is one of the essential hows

i am pretty sure you stopped visiting, and my guards are up
so high up now i'm no longer mad having vented here

why did you love me again?

it was a pity and increasingly not
it's really alright

stay safe,
mufaro

The first time I see so clearly that maturity and childish- or childlike-ness are not antonyms.
And changemaking and gambling, and faith and ignorance almost synonymous - maybe what sets them apart is the intent, its presence/ absence, and the what.
I hope intent matters.

I suppose it matters to the one making the intent. But what about to others? Idealistically it does, but in reality hardly, sadly, does it? No one in no one else's shoe and no one be someone else's worm in the gut, really, doesn't it? I mean even with the intention to, it's just extremely difficult to be - I want to understand mama and I try hard to, but without her upbringing and experience it's just almost impossible to (don't judge until you meet her).

I wish I have a nicer word than 'ignorance' but my vocab is small.

It is a leap indeed. A leap of faith.
Into believing that something will happen, and that something is happening; that something is, and something will be. About the present and the future, maybe even the past.
It takes some imagining, like history, actually also the present, maybe or if not everything. And since history can be revisionist, can't the present and the future too, as well as imagination itself? I don't mean to go metaphysical but it's too important to not to. So basic.
Imagination revisited and reworked and reinterpreted and revisioned every week, or even a shorter period. Very, very, exasperating exasperating. Draining. Knackered. 

What are you imagining?
Bae I have your back. Please have mine.

You ponder, you think, you puzzle, you wonder. Is there an end to this. Is it meaningful to if there isn't. Oh maybe there are pauses and commas, but is it good enough. What alternatives are there if you not ponder think puzzle and wonder, if any. Maybe there isn't any.
Free will? Freedom? I don't feel much of their presence. I feel very constrained by my mind. Is my mind myself.

I might have lived it before seeing it.

our beautiful lives

had two very mellow catching-ups with friends
m.n. rim doing fieldwork in cape town
k. wong doing phd in l.a.
the conversations were
illuminating

the latter reminded me how wonderful it is to be a student, to live abroad

we share[d] similar experiences, in terms of encountering all sorts of people, and having strange, fearful and exciting different types of relationships,
the boomboom of being wowed and impressed and stimulated by them,
and by everything else;
in terms of coming across mind-blowing and -boggling people dynamics and being thrown in awe, or bewilderment;
in terms of
dreaming and venturing,
failing and embracing failures,
being thirsty, so thirsty of new experiences,
pleasant and unpleasant ones,
being uncertain and being forced to embrace uncertainties
being bold, and sometimes regretting it and most of the time not
they call it courage, we consider it basic

and the difficulties
her 25% of attention and my 50%, or possibly her less <25% and my >50%
the less fun but still worthwhile parts,
of coming to see and live and know

her beautiful [state of] life
my quite beautiful [state of] life

thank you for being an example and giving me an aspiration

is being too adaptive and versatile a problem, that i stop wanting what i wanted and become satisfied with what i have?