我在歐洲獨安逸

而香港戰亂般

joan 會說「我言過了」
but screw him it is

是人的心境
而這些人包括家人朋友

我說「整個六月，雙眼是一泡眼淚」
這是戰亂狀態
mentally it is
environmentally it is

而誰會想到再六個月後事情會發展到這個地步
但「 事情會發展到這個地步」也不好說
因為我們都是 propellor
包括我們作為 proponent
政權作為 oppressor （不只是 opponent）
既得利益者的 complicit oppressor

政權可恥

讀著理大圍城的紀錄
學生有以死相迫的委身

我曾經也不相信荒謬
我曾經以為自己是大上大落喜歡於大時代做大事的人

當然緩緩溫柔安逸如水最幸福

但世界崩壞太緊要
政治要抓上了所有人

香港人 反抗

我真的是很偏心

he could see that i rolled my eyes behind the lids i.e. with eyes closed
我樂透了

he could see me through
我喜歡在他面前如水般透明

he called me out
我真的是很偏心 偏心得很開心

but i really wasn't hiding anything
要是其他人 it would be such a turn off

《願榮光歸香港》管弦樂團及合唱團版 MV

Boris' Coup

瑞士朋友突然就說
意想不到，香港竟然比英國民主
我不明所以問為何（心裡點點生氣：你竟然把香港和英國比）
他說：議會停止運作了
我說：香港的也一樣啊

看一下新聞，那謂
proroguing

Johnson 用程序手段提早完結本屆議會，不讓議員拒絕通過 no deal brexit
（與香港政府想通過送中法案時繞過法案委員會一樣、與秘書處by circulation 叫議員表態投主席一樣）
unethical

然後我們便去抗議了

*
去到西敏議會外
人不是太多（見慣了香港的百萬百萬）
數千吧

警察設置了圍欄
但地方實在是小，圍欄也沒用處，contain 不了幾千的人
示威者在推、在動圍欄，方便其他示威者進出
一名在維持秩序的警察不滿，向推圍欄的人吐糟
朋友插嘴道：也不用這樣吧
（圍欄真是沒有在發揮作用啊）

叫啊叫
短暫的有聲音，很快就又乾站
時有汽車經過會響 honk

然後
然後

人數終於又多了一點，估了車路（一下子了）
跟著人群走在車路上
回到唐寧街
朋友自然跟大伙兒就坐在地上
叫啊叫
還有唱啊唱
甚麼
"Stop that coup"
"Boris out"
"Pound shop Trump"
"No one ever voted Bo~ris"
"General election now"
"General strike"
"This is what democracy looks like"

*
"No one voted for Bo~ris"

"This is what democracy looks like"
讓我印象深刻

supposedly 民主的英國選了 311/650 保守黨員入議會（也不是majority; only rule as a coalition）
愚蠢的 Cameron 2016 年不負責任的提出英國是否脫歐的公投
機會主義的 Boris Johnson 背棄保守黨反脫歐的立場，臨時轉身成了倡議脫歐的領頭人之一
同時保留保守黨黨員的身份
之後爬上了外相的位置，完全無能
今日竟就登上首相位置
now toying procedures to his personal advantage to attempt getting around parliament to make his no-deal brexit plan happen
真可恥
complete disregard and disrespect of parliamentary functions
parliamentarians are voted in, but "no one voted for Bo~ris," indeed!

*
我也不知道 if "this is [really] what democracy looks like"
Democracy fails, sometimes quite often too
但倫敦的人們可以這樣 protest 己還我度羨慕不已
這樣 protest meaning -
they know Boris is the guy to take down - he is at least to a large part culpable for such manipulations (vis-a-vis HKers are protesting against the HK gov't which is really just a string puppet)
they can actually call for a general election, and they have seen change in the polity

*
另話
有一個 placard 說 "It's about to go Hong Kong"

*
So many friends telling me how they have admired Hong Kong protestors' courage, who have come out to protest against Chinese encroachment and police brutality, under so much police brutality
To me, they really have nothing more to lose - that's why. Utter, utter desperation for change.

Maybe the Brits are not out on the streets enough because they still have quite a lot to lose?

After sunrise and before sunset

6:54pm, 21 August 2019

So I am usually graced with two periods of sunlight in my room every day (on a sunny day that is).
First time in the morning, starting even before I am up (because I am still jobless).
My understanding is that this window faces the Southeast -
so from the sleeper / window-looker's perspective, the sun goes from the left to the right.
The balm inside the room from the right to the left.
(Oh the beautiful shadows!)
It doesn't quite touch the antique (let me call it antique) wardrobe and the ikea chest -
maybe not even the study and the whole of the wall with the door.
Just the whole bed, from its end to its head (without a board).
Covering the other old cupboard (without cups) and the wooden case now with Ollie on it.
Oh I said two periods. That was the first.

The second (look at the photo),
comes from the reflection of the high(er)rise (sorry this is maybe medium rise to us).
Thanks, tall building with big window panes!
So in the late afternoon again (at least in the summer),
I get the second sun embrace.

And these are making me very happy.

(My flatmate says I have the warmest room in the flat!)

(I can be completely wrong with the directions)

i had my last day at work
this place that is my second home that is maybe more than my first

i am more at ease among my colleagues than my parents
not lunatic

i sent emotional emails to my colleagues
and it was genuine intense emotions

friendship is really ageless
maybe romance too
hahahahaha
these guys and these ladies
inspirational

i am bidding adieu to my vocational soulmate
i hope new ones await

i cant change my parents

*i am as selfish to demand (or expect?) that ma and pa adopt my perspective, and my values*
said jan

i guess,
but really?
*hasn't their generation reaped the most benefits and has the most resource to rebel*

of course
wealth and materials corrupt
*but is it not their fault that they allow materials to corrupt them*

he said that it makes all the sense that they prefer stability
*because "they have inherited direct experience of trauma of war from their parents"*
direct is a misplaced, misused word

*i doubt they are entitled*
myra asked too if their fear and cowardice and selfishness are justifiable
*hasn't their generation reaped the most benefits and has the most resource to rebel*

i must be too ignorant to not fear violence
*but hasn't it been so far largely peaceful events, of protest and civil disobedience*

why should we prioritize efficiency over justice
right, dennis said east asians are too much about efficiency
*capitalism
productivity
efficiency*

*i guess let's say they are uncapable of not being selfish*
but this is the worst most demeaning remark

i did expect higher of them
and perhaps i should let my hopes down
one doens't disappoint if one doesn't expect

am i being an elitist to give up on them
or am i being an elitist to keep wanting to change them

*

anthony said
it's a matter of judgement, whether oppression or tolerance is a better solution to put out opposition; whether dictatorship or democracy would guarantee a longer lasting governance

jan had said
mittelweg
doawk?

So much oppression, but even more pride. And so much foolishness we have to put behind.

2019 has been the second, and deeper, civil society awakening in Hong Kong in recent years - after the Umbrella Movement.

We, the Hong Kong people, had been living in lies for too long, since the day of the handover in 1997; or even earlier - when the Basic Laws were in the making and we chose to believe that the Joint Declaration or "One Country, Two Systems" would be upheld, for at least a good 50 years.

"One Country, Two Systems" is this lie that the local Hong Kong Government and the Central Beijing government have been telling - one that should have been easy to debunk; harder to debunk is this same but another lie that we tell to deceive ourselves - to fool ourselves into believing that economic thrive would buy us happiness, maybe even peace.

Guess what - money only buys happiness to this certain limited extent; we need freedom, the freedom from fear. And justice. And democracy. The freedom from fear of being extradited to mainland China for a non-transparent and unjust ruling, something we have witnessed time and over in the past seven decades. Therefore, 2019 with the threat of the extradition amendment is certainly time for us to come to the realization that lies and self-lies do no good but harm, so are myopia in making socio-economic-political decisions (hark, HK government!)

Of course it has been immensely sad to see the local government, backed by Beijing, being so oppressive and behaving like a dictator, coupled with the police force using so much violence against peaceful protestors, to attempt passing the extradition amendment bill. They are choosing this time, despite its being so close to the 30th anniversary of the Tiannanmen massacre, because this is the time the pro-Beijing camp has the majority vote in LegCo. And the way they push for the bill has been by despicably deploying one tactic of procedural injustice after another - disqualifying pan-democratic camp legislative councillor, calling off the bill committee, and using horrendous violence against peaceful protestors. They are shamelessly bulldozing established institutions based on which Hong Kong's (so-called) "success" is built. There is no doubt that they themselves would suffer from the amendment which pertains to HK surrendering its residual autonomy to dictatorial China with a shady judiciary system.

But all they are doing is inciting the most beautiful civil society awakening since after the Umbrella Movement - and we take so much pride in this. Having learnt from five years ago, this time people have smarter brains to refrain from being divisive among ourselves. Impressively, ingenious division of labour is organically happening - a community on drafting petitions and soliciting support from overseas government; another braving risk of police brutality and keeping encircling the LegCo to ensure LegCo comprises of majority pro-Beijing members does not get to pass the bill in a sneaky manner; not to mention the incredible self-discipline the protestors displays. The unity we show inspires more people to join force, which is further snowballing. There is not a single directing party this time around and the majority if not everyone so far displays incredible judgement of how to stay united and be constructively involved. We care about this topic so much that each of us, individually, are taking charge of our own action and lead this ingenious protest. Such individually organized collective action evidences HKer's quality that should earn us the freedom we deserve. Next thing to contemplate is to make sure that oligarchy will not displace democracy if it ever arrives.

2019 is about 22 years into the 50. Tick tock, the ticking bomb. But there may still be time to turn things around because history never stops surprising us (but most of the time disappointing). And we the Hong Kong people are clearly proving that we have the intellect and stamina to turn things around, hopefully with support from our righteous friends - from abroad, from within the local government, and from mainland China.

We are in pain, but we persevere and we are hopeful.

Written on 12-13 Jun 2019, the day on which the local police used tear gas and guns on protestors.

i need to try to become more radical from now on

don't sell myself to unnecessary stupid convenience
such as patronizing chain businesses
being not green
contributing to the economy of dictatorship
etcetera

the protest against the extradition bill

smelling like the umbrella movement that i did not get to take part
and the umbrella movement failed
but something achieved success in the past
possibly not by the size of the protest but
something else
such as last min change of mind by some parliamentarians
anti article 23
anti national education
anti political reform

let's stay hopeful
or at least let's not give up just yet

*

times like this make you feel guilty
if you don't keep refreshing and read stage physical and informational fatigue
to the sight blurred and head spin extent
crazy shit

why are the fucking ignorant villains inflicting this upon us
passing the bill does no good to any one
seriously

in the fucking name of fucking justice
are you fucking kidding me

it does not even do good to the powerful and the rich

completely uncalled for

it's ok to disagree for good reasons and it's ok to be disagreed with

people gets so consumed and tired
it's understandable that they opt for the short-sighted easier way out

(of course sometimes the long term perspective doesn't matter as much as i imagine it does
- but i thought i would give it a one last shot
because it's only right, or a bit more right :))

and i should take pride in myself for having the stamina that they don't
for insisting, at least attempting to
for one more chance to right wrong in the 'proper' (orthodox?) way
that's what makes me a non-bureaucrat

i think i don't object to making compromises too
it's just that i have reflected and i still believe that we hold our principles right
at least for one more go
(can't do even one last try?)

me makes a valuable addition to this messy system
i am a lively running clear brook (haha!)

i would love her recognizing that but surely
i don't really need that

the courage to dissent (LOL)
i am really in a privileged position
the bandwidth to disagree

fistory snippets: guillotine the konger bandits!

bandits loot.

in the borrowed time of the post-war era, circumstances were that the gweilo bandits could not rove.
- first, in the name of the civilizers they could not scorch the earth and take flight.
- second, China being one of the Allies against the Axis was not to be antagonized.
- third, two decades later in the seventies, China even seemed to begin steering away from the left.
everyone thought it was taking steps towards opening up,
politically in addition to economically

unexpected sharp turn indeed in nineteen eighty-nine -
seemingly more accidental than planned.
the decision of whom?
the result of power struggle in the highest office,
triggering a drastic turn-away from political opening up aka democratization,
they decided to stuff mouths with bills.

bills.
now gweilo bandits in Town Victoria had a new strategy to loot.
with an expected reign of more than a few decades under her royal highness,
it had become worthwhile to invest in institutions as infrastructure
i.e. an elevated governing platform filled with fellow bandits;
and the puppets;
run by bandits' rule.
"we shall work the peasants and give them tools"
"they would pay tax and remit"
highly efficient, the most laissez faire.
what insulting commendation.

we had, mostly on monetary terms;
so had india, by labor and intelligence, and tea and spices;
and africa, labor via the horrendous triangular trade, and minerals.

so we ended up having higher level infrastructure, world class and top of the art.
and the pinnacle marked the start of the demise -
because the bell had rung to chase away the builder bandits.
borrowed time over.

it became that undertrained konger builders aka former puppets took over the fake throne
then untrained ones who fake knowing
who all pledges allegiance to the new master mother-looters behind the transparent blinds
through which they blatantly extend their arms and grope
new rules are old rules
harassment performance

but the fake throne holder
more voraciously loot, almost to an earth-scorching extent
loot before loose; loot before lose!
before even the mother-looters do, who see merits in keeping the infrastructure for knowledge transfer purpose
because any looted by mother-looter does not trickle down well enough
to the previously well-fed greedy local looters
a transmogrified state-business alliance
a metamorphosis

mother looting might have been resisted against, or at least slowed
but it is not possible when there is internal looting
a result of decades' breeding of 'money-first' mentality

where do you spend the money, really, without a heart?

the necessary overthinking lap

Let me imagine your 

Reaction

Wrongly

Because it just can't be right 

I believe it has never been right

Because how does one Cosmo understand another Anyways

I deeply desire 

Someone not something unattainable 

Unhealthy for me 

Probs because I am a masochist but really who isn't 

I don't know if you would understand 

I don't think you would

I don't think you can

It's mind boggling indeed even for myself 

As a masochist 

We were 50 meters down 

The marathon that was never held

Because we quitted being the organisers despite our initial 

Interest

We were not running enthusiast 

Or we weren't sure 

For sure?

You would be baffled

And I am lost for words

And energy

Despite the 

Evasive, short-lived but repeated

chemical wants 

Do I understand it 

In any sensible substantial way apart from framing it as

Me being a masochist?

My imagination beyond your being baffled

- maybe am being demeaning guessing you would be baffled

You would have your philosophy but how can it be right

Because I don't have an answer really

There's no logic not even a non logic 

It's a blur it's a (not) burb it's a (not) blurb it's a mesh and a mash 

I imagined

reasons why you texted:

"because you wanted me, for dilution, or for balance"

when it's going so so on your other side

but this is really too 'optimistic' lol - just quite can't be

or still that

but when it's going too brilliantly intense on the other side

- and i put on your shoe and thought it was a feasible feeling lol

"or really just because there was this email"

(ha let me check the time for dissapointment's sake lol)

come on

HE JUST WOULD NOT THINK SO MANY THINGS

would i have thought so many things had i been in his position

maybe but it probably would not feel as intensely

AM I FEELING VERY INTENSELY THOUGH?

i am

not sure

i am making it a thing but it's probably less intense than i think it is but by putting the amount of time in 

i intensify it and i milden it

i organize it and it gets better

i think it through and i will have been through the whole lap

complete and be through with the obsession

if feels good to be through

what needs be gone through needs be gone through

for me to attain a peace of mind

true thing

will this obsession abandon me i wonder -

maybe when it's through with me it will

it's another form of masochism isn't it

*

Why had I been a masochist for that one hour

Am I really a masochist?

#brokenhongkongseries #1: constructions and safety; rotting from inside out

juxtaposition

is

when the first piece of news is:
on how the expert panel rules that the faulty construction at Hung Hom Station is (still) safe
even safer than how it's supposed to be built; and

the second,
how the husband of the Secretary of Justice, being an engineer and former president of the Hong Kong Institution of Engineers, gets defended for his unauthorizedly built swimming pool
"so it would be lawful if it was built for keeping fish"
"the pool does not have any safety impact on its surrounding buildings - it's like putting a water bag with gold fish on the 'gold fish street'"
and of course the wife has been involved in a few other unauthorized building cases too

#brokenhongkongseries #1

unfortunately a lot precedes this and a lot will follow

this is 2019, 22 years after the handover
seven years into Xi's rule

the funny thing is i don't really know if it matters, what's happening across the border
i mean of course it does, what happens across the border affects us immensely
but this case of the above juxtapositioning:
how is this not more about rotting from the inside than crumbling from the outside

christ.

***

on the bright side... (how can i still be on the bright side really lol)
hong kong was really corrupted until the ICAC came to be - and it was just some 50 years ago??

hopefully
time changes

hopefully
time heals

until it hurts again

slow and happy rant

good lord

i really need today to be a slow day

sluggish

low activity

***

good lord

i don't desire rationally

(does any body?)

my many desires

or i have only wanted the action of desiring

but nothing substantial really

***

i thought i wanted ____

and it's only irrational

because we were sort of there when i wasn't ready

and now you don't act

any more like

cool and mature

***

i compared the three of you in my head

i actually prefer _______ in the room, maybe the living room and the kitchen too (1)

maybe _______ in the living room and the kitchen too and of the bathroom (2)

and ____ should stay outside of the flat and we can meet at the bar (3)

***

i have utterly no shame do i

***

but am really happy for you, _______ - and i hope i get to meet both of you when am ready to. hahahahaha (1)

and i don't actually envy you ____. and even though am not sure if you deserve something better (LOL), i hope it gets better for you, ____ (LOL) (3)

_______, do what you do and be well (2)

***

let me go to bed

my remotions towards a work partner quitting

march the eleventh, twenty nineteenth.

i am using the onion framework to try to understand myself
what an enigma, jw
i baffle myself and i amuse myself
this journey of self-discovery
is it meaningful and is it worthwhile to understand
me?

really?
me an an evolving subject and object and being
i have difficulty classifying categorizing characterizing
me

dennis said it's only normal to be inconsistent and full of contradiction
he said something like we would be only narrow(?) and silly(?) to require a single framework to understand
the cosmo(?)

men aren't they smart and ain't i stupid
men aren't they stupid and ain't i wise
haha
needed the self-deprecation and self-praise and the modesty and the cockiness
that my cock

*

i still haven't decipher what is causing my reaction against his quitting, and my emotions
i guess it means i would prefer that he wouldn't leave so soon and that we would get to develop our relationship further, work and beyond?

oh just the day before i said i took 'things' lightly
as in i knew and i was used to people coming and going
i guess for 4 days he was more than a work partner but also a friend
or more than a friend but the model whom i mind-eyed and put a sketch in my head (and my heart - quite easily) and memagined that sketch be somebody i would give a piece of myself to
that went far quickly and definitely too easily

we are all so lonely aren't we
that was really easy

and i was saying that he mumbled and spoke too aloftly and i was not attracted
that went far and it was really easy that it went so far in such a short span of time

crazy

ok
so
outermost layer: i wasn't happy that the ending suddenly seemed so imminent
middle layer: i was lonely i was bored i wanted attention even transient and foggy or obviously fake one; wow i was maybe still am so good at imagining affection and love, or am expert in leaping of faith by skipping or assuming there's no need of depth [oh man it's dangerous lol]
[am impressed by myself and shocked at the same time]
 [how often do i impress myself? how often do i shock myself? and how often do i impress and shock myself at the same time?]
 [does it train my cardio or does it cause palpitation or heart attack?]
 [i don't know why i thought chasing a bus would train my heart muscles my science is bad]

inner layer:
i am a sxxx?

ehem

hahaha ok using anthony's words i am 'deterministic' [i didn't think it was the right word to use]
i choose to believe that things, like the deepening of a relationship, come to be -
just because

there is some grander outer force but we comprise it we contribute to it
because our bandwidth or our wavelength allow us to be
*or disallow us to be*

and this was / has been one incident of disallowing

and it may come back allowing
but now it's a disallowing
despite what has already been allowed and what (little tiny bit of something) has already taken place

the budding
of
likely weed
but potentially a cypress

or the tree of life

woahhhhh!

conclusion being:
i
am
a
bit
desperate

(but it's ok too)

拍打嚇跑走

Poor guy 

I must have freaked him out

And he couldn't help but ran away

To save himself from having his day ruined by me 

Lol

This other 'smart' guy

Two seconds into me started roaring he  warned me of not ruining his evening

So I would ran away 

Lol

I am a lion 

This friend and my emotions

We dance in tandem

An intense tango

He makes me so emotional

He asked me to stop stopping

I had to 

pause 

because it was torching hot inside 

We don't actually dance

We converse

He gets to me

In a tough, harsh way

In a hard way

Not not nice

He meant well

But in a tough harsh way

But I needed soft

Or am spoilt to be soft wanting 

Soft wanton

I have to get used to hard love

He would say that he was not loving

But come on it was

It is

Friendly, good love

Healthy?

With the right amount I suppose it is

A weekly dose in the Grecian urn

Held in our warm hands

The right amount of provocation

A good dose of challenge

So I reflect

But I need to reflect and retain

Retain and attempt change

Change and become better

More sensitive and less sensitive

More humble and more confident 

This one seventh of my hongkong

I will miss and I now savour

The good amount and no more hopefully no less

Mr nuance nuancing my emotions and my thoughts

My values and my knowledge and my intricate experience

With him and all

Imagine hk in time lapse

I almost can't wait to go

But the prospect of leaving makes me anxious too

What is hongkong becoming in two, five years time, when it's so rapidly deteriorating?

What is my home becoming

Maybe in half a year's time already, I won't get to see the same view on this same moving train, which is now an everyday scene if I lay my eye

I have had the chance to count its beauty: its temperate climate, it's easily accessible hiking trails, the sea! The communities that I know and constitute, the dense Cantonese language, the food!

It's bad but it's so good too.

It's been made bad but it can be so good and it still is so good.

People's mind the reason I go? I hope there's a new bubble I get to find myself in, and that I get to learn to be truly independent in this exile I send myself

The 2019 resolution, without sayin'