hogwartic thoughts

had i been too easily impressed
or had you been too deliberate you scumbag
you manipulator
conspired with them the teasers
me carefully torn apart
broken apart

not quite a liar
just that you are not sincere
not quite a praiser
just that you are being indirect

perhaps you are a sweetheart undercover
nicknamed temptor
who oilbath and sugarcoat
whatever you say
whoever you treat
butter - y
fly

well butterfly and fly
can be hard to distinguish at times
wonder why a butter-fly makes a butterfly
puke

and flew and flu can be hard to distinguish
you flew me floated me suspended me in midair
i felt like riding high
you flu you fool you infected me sneezed and coughed at me that now i felt sick
you take the responsibility you scrounger
rob me my calmness my quietness my peacefulness
that now my world is landfilled with your noise
the music the noise
the music of noise
molten

oh god i am the molten mole
the couching undercover
the hibernating mole

hedgehogs
squirrels
hogs
frogs
pets of messengers

i thought i lived in hogwarts

delusions

irrational illusions
impossible elusions

no one has ever illustrated
she whispered to herself

but she knew at heart
at heart too well too clear what the truth was

just that she was reluctant to believe

no one ever succeeds without paying painstaking effort
luck
goes only to those who deserves it
she thought of the sheaves of grains
the picture of her collecting the harvest
the so-called grass

she raised the sickle
a follow-through action
chap chop
she almost hurt her leg
she perspired

she felt the strenuous pulse on her left chest
shaking her from inside the rib cage
she could have fainted
strongly shaken
beaten

just that she was reluctant to submit

thought that it would consume her too much

she thought she might regret

just that she was reluctant

she sighed
she exhaled
she halted for a while
just a brief while

she knew she could waste not a single minute more
she could not afford to lose time
she could not afford to lose half a head's distance

she glimpsed the behind of the steed
the chocolate bundle swinging leftand immediately right
the pendulum that sounded not tick tock but bump bump
echoed her heartbeat
'systole and diastole'
she murmured to her soul

babbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbab
or was it the steps?

the stedfast belief still lingered
that kept her head unclear
she could not concentrate on the match

she thought she was being too theoretical
being too conscious that she could not actually live her life
she knew how to live her life
she could not live the way she knew and she wanted

she fell over
her back closer to the ground then any of her limps
she and her horse made a perfect symmetrical image
she feared not of becoming hurt
was thinking how the cluster of people there on the seats viewed her
do they see me fall?
then do they miss the steed champ crossing the line?

she also thought of the champ rider
is he looking overwatching over?
will he ever miss
and get off mind
his track the race the cup and medal the money?

perhaps then she would win
possibly
unlikely

still not quite concentrative

this girl knew she had to stay focus in order to achieve what she wanted
just that she did not have the courage to focus

she feared of this one big bet
she was still reluctant
she knew it
she hated it
she went off mind
she was all messy
at all a shit

坐村車狂想 + Cicadas' music

又想大小人經歷互換配對

黃昏坐村車歸村
人很多
迫與兩名大淑女同坐
香肩並擠
嗅得出二人未有落落灑噴露華濃
親近如此右方手抱香奈兒袋的她在高調偷讀吾脾上的煉金書
忽發其想若我此刻開口攀談
聊書聊車聊個天南地北
君卿與我成友?

不唐突不絕不唐突
兒時人人都做這種浪漫事
非進取也非抱壞心腸
順粹交友
憑書交友
以口水會友
自然不過你我也做過在溫馨校巴上與鄰座可愛小男孩小女生傾一程
或然手搶他指上薯圈 (草青色包裝袋)
或然禮貌問句'食丫'再挾他吃我媽送我用以賄賂利誘交朋友用的可樂樽可樂味可口可樂橡皮糖
吃得不可開交
耍個不亦樂乎

保童心
朋友豈有交不成之理?

村車變身校巴之胡思迷想

The Music of Cicadas

I was shot
the rifle backfired not
the perhaps revolver trembled
bullets mercilessly scratched my face in the air
bab bab bab bab
lest you wouldn't be killed
4 babs in 1 sec

i heard 3 rhythms of the cicadas
thought if they were indeed conversing
if courting
or arguing
if not debating
not quite like noises
though

the kitchen fan from afar
it mourned
rather disturbingly
it was the ultimate oily ugly machinery
disturbed my cochlea
my vestibule hurts
canals carried impossibly any longer gondolas
it flipped and flopped and wusp.

the snail the cochlea in summer air was too vulnerable
little animals sneaked out not in august
they paraded
hatefully boldly
coolness intruders

hop i found myself wandering
Wu-Si-Luen-Sheung-ing
thought that it kinda fun to marry to a mr. Wu
my son would be named Wu-Si-Luen

laugh die readers
laugh die your belly

我是異族? am i an alien?

與人相交相處的藝術上了二十年有多的課
i have learnt the art of meeting people for over 20 years
掌握不到
it's yet to be mastered
懷疑自己會有可能掌握得到
wonder if i will ever possibly master it one day
總自覺是外星人
thought my being an extra-terrestrial being

就是認為自己是一個絕對獨立與人隔離的奇異個體
thought that im a wholly independent isolated strange unity
與別不同的腦構造
with a distinct brain composition
獨一無二的邏輯系統
a unique logical mechanism
也不準確
and it's still not the accurate scenario

其實以為自持的才是王道
indeed i thought what i am should rule and is the righteous authority
其他所有人不理解不認同自己的方是蠻夷
all others who understand not empathize not are the pathetic aliens
自命與別不同
thought that i'm the one and only
其實自視過高
it's loftiness i have to however admit

也有聽過人皆自戀的說法
have also heard about universal narcissism
也許我所行所為也合理的吧
perhaps it rationalizes what i have been the way i behave

幼時固執不已
i was an obstinate kid
常聽母親喃喃覆述
mum often repeats a story of my childhood
我曾在車子死火時又叫又喊大吵要揭起母親的連身裙
that i cried and shouted to lift her dress while the car was broken down on the road
氣得她死去活來
she was so irritated almost went mad in face of her impossible kid
我也當記得多次因她簽字條出界而怒把字條撕碎的片段
and i could recall pictures of my tearing the parent letters for she had signed out of the boundary 更有把被爺爺稱讚我的成績時所噴出的口沬所沾濕的成績單擦破擦黑的回憶
as well as my rubbing to wear and blanken my report card cause my grandpa accidentally spit on it when he was praising my grades
頑固是我的代號
obstinacy was my name
自我是我的作風
self-centred was me
我多次被罵不尊重長輩並目中無人
repeated i was reproved for living in my sole world and not respecting others
不錯我認為長輩做錯事後輩不需顧及陳腐長幼之別倒應直斥其非
right i thought we ought to criticise even the seniors and ignore the corny belief of always revering the elderly
面子是中國傳統文化的迂腐產物
face is the stale product of old chinese culture
姐卻道那是人情世故
and my sis said that it's human traditions, the world simply works this way

經過多年被罵跌撞
passed were the years i got scolded and i tumbled and bruised myself again and again
時至今天我大慨得罪較少人了
now i bet i offend less
只是其實有時心裡其時仍有不解不服不舒暢
just that at times i still find people insensible and felt unjust
自覺他錯我對而稍有串嘴挑釁
thought that he is wrong and i am right and my anger and heart to correct are provoked that i want to aggress the wrongdoer
唉其實誰是誰非也非由我下判斷
ay is me it's not me who judges
忍一忍或有海闊天空藍天白雲綠野田園
well leaving my temper aside may liberates me

奇異種子的遙遙成長路
the growth of me the exotic alien seed
活著的藝術有待掌握
the arts of life yet to be mastered

christopher in me (book review)

if you have read the book.

i thought i was him.
the more i read
the more i'm scared, shocked
humiliated
not that i thought christopher not a good boy
but was surprised by how much i resembled him

did i have his mentality,
and how people viewed me?
the self-centred the arrogant 'the unt and shut and gut the kut' stubborn bad-mannered untaught uncivilised goddamn jerkhead spoilt kid

yea i was the stubborn
the claim-to-be-rational
the want-to-be-scientific
i cared not human care not emotions
treaured not human relations
well yea treasured not family and friends
i looked into maths and science and rations and rules

i wanted to be a scientist
i comprehended understood not why the hell did people went irrational
why did they conform not the rules and worked their own wrong way wasted their lives yet being stupid hell i hated stupidity

and i turned against them for they had gone MAD
was like in an isolated alien world

but simply the act of turning my back have shown my being emotional
have shown my being non-robotic

Confession of christopher
i was and i am and i will forever be a fleshy human
i touched my skin i caressed myself i felt like a spiritual man
i experienced highness ecstacy excitedness wilderness calmness and joy
i have been impressed touched saddened irritated humiliated

still i comprehend not why men on earth become the way they are
and i become the way i could not understand why i would have then become
was there an invisible power a being controlling being a mastermind playing on us being a control freak am i if not i aint a puppet the doll dancing singing on his stage for his entertainment?

im nothing robotic

there're never absolute rules (except this)

think that i still possess christopher inside.

contradiction

mystery