delusions

irrational illusions
impossible elusions

no one has ever illustrated
she whispered to herself

but she knew at heart
at heart too well too clear what the truth was

just that she was reluctant to believe

no one ever succeeds without paying painstaking effort
luck
goes only to those who deserves it
she thought of the sheaves of grains
the picture of her collecting the harvest
the so-called grass

she raised the sickle
a follow-through action
chap chop
she almost hurt her leg
she perspired

she felt the strenuous pulse on her left chest
shaking her from inside the rib cage
she could have fainted
strongly shaken
beaten

just that she was reluctant to submit

thought that it would consume her too much

she thought she might regret

just that she was reluctant

she sighed
she exhaled
she halted for a while
just a brief while

she knew she could waste not a single minute more
she could not afford to lose time
she could not afford to lose half a head's distance

she glimpsed the behind of the steed
the chocolate bundle swinging leftand immediately right
the pendulum that sounded not tick tock but bump bump
echoed her heartbeat
'systole and diastole'
she murmured to her soul

babbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbabbab
or was it the steps?

the stedfast belief still lingered
that kept her head unclear
she could not concentrate on the match

she thought she was being too theoretical
being too conscious that she could not actually live her life
she knew how to live her life
she could not live the way she knew and she wanted

she fell over
her back closer to the ground then any of her limps
she and her horse made a perfect symmetrical image
she feared not of becoming hurt
was thinking how the cluster of people there on the seats viewed her
do they see me fall?
then do they miss the steed champ crossing the line?

she also thought of the champ rider
is he looking overwatching over?
will he ever miss
and get off mind
his track the race the cup and medal the money?

perhaps then she would win
possibly
unlikely

still not quite concentrative

this girl knew she had to stay focus in order to achieve what she wanted
just that she did not have the courage to focus

she feared of this one big bet
she was still reluctant
she knew it
she hated it
she went off mind
she was all messy
at all a shit