tipsification.

if im faking the question asked
my answer would be: oh yea a failure
like twelve months of mellow bath
that was followed by perhaps fifteen months of tear rain
though
i would add another twelve afore the twelve
that credit went to the Brauerei
the sweet aroma that assaulted my nostrils
poisoning and yet
the bestest was it
so alluring
better than the mellow bath itself

this little fact gives ground to the uncertainties
bug me like a Schmetterling
the hesitation (and the complementary hyperness that could be deterring)
is gushing up my guts
i feel ill at times
feeling very insecure
(oops where´s the belt)

or there might be a lesser interest,
if not no interest at all
if this is a question with legitimacy.
for either outcome i reckon it a good idea to
know
regardless of peoples interest and Ziel
just to know your own cave better
experiment what material would fill the hole
which is growing into a tube that goes all the way down to my vertex

or
if finally i have decided to live in the mountains
i would know how well this cave protects and nurtures its dweller.

now i lick and taste,
perceiving those dripping liquids as sherry and milk.
heavily alcoholic
whimsically mesmerising
perfect enough with just one light brush of exaggeration beating imagination.

sink under the shadow

it is fluttering between sadness and hatred,
as it -- hops and drops,
raises and sinks. then
the bug flies along the air current,
gliding along thin lines and layers --
cursive,
cutting across the lines at a slanted angle and
creates some geometrical patterns (that are)
quite meaningless and senseless to observe

towards the high sky it soars,
swiftly but squeamishly towards
the far black dot at the zenith
essentially central of everything
spinning around it --
or underneath it

the black figure overlooks the land --
oversees the world,
and giggles like a gent
mere the smile haunts badly enough

the bug is perplexed,
uncertain of complex emotions --
yet bewitched,
thrilled --
twixt excitement and intense fear --
and forgets to flutter,
or quakes too much and falls
at peak speed --
drooped
spiritually

'it could have been mine,'
it thinks to itself,
'it should have been mine.'

explicit and implicit love: Kurt and Blaine

i cried an ocean out of me.
shit.

feverish forehead
lava red eyeball and magma hot red face.

°°°

at times i lay in bed and knows not if im thinking or dreaming
if im putting those images consciously or subconsciously
clearly i am not deeply asleep
but
am i sleeping?
when does REM work? at the lightest shut off of my mind
the shortest time will work
how different those pictures from the subconscious and the conscious are?
if either is something of me, does it at all
matter?

°°°

Manchmal liege ich im Bett und ich weiße gar nicht,
wenn ich denke oder träume,
wenn ich diese Bilder bewusst oder unbewusst stelle.
Natürlich bin ich nicht tief eingeschlafen
aber
schlafe ich überhaupt?
Wann befasse ich mich mit REM? am die leichtesten Aussetzung meines Gehirns.
Für die kürzeste Zeit wird es stattfinden.
Wie unterschiedlich sind die Bilder des Unterbewusstseins und des Bewusstseins?
Wenn beide von mir sind, ist der Vergleich für mich
wichtig?

crooked enjoyment

once or twice a day i feel that my right knee joint is broken
i have no idea why i feel this way
neither am i sure if theres really some problem
nor do i know how credible my instinct is

and my left knee joint is probably vulnerable too.

on my bed i stretch my lower leg
so like a tip toe posture to make a best contraction of my calf muscle
and at the same time sink my knee
sort of compress my knee cap

i will do it at least a few times per week
at most a few times per day (not more because i would have reached my pain limit)
to fatigue i extend my gastrocnemius muscle:

´The gastrocnemius muscle is very prone to spasms; the painful, involuntary, contraction of the muscle for up to several minutes.´ (wikipedia)

but i quite like the pain, unless i have to walk for too long the next few days.

the pain resembles some other. maybe a 15% of the ecstasy.

or maybe its just the flu

it is the time of absurdity.
it is the time of normality.

when insanity becomes the norm
and sane people deemed crazy
it is the utmost subversion of values
or do values still matter?

weirdos here and there
this blogger is one
i think i need to see a therapist
for i cannot live 消遙ly at times of weirdness
and i go extreme so often
oh hell i wish i werent me
be anything im not.

prof said we ought to be
Confucian at high time
and Taoist at low
but i cannot conform to both
and be treasonable
so unreasonable.

paradoxes
wonderful paradoxes
wonderfully haunting paradoxes.

read to escape the world:
why aint i living in a world in which two moons hang in the sky?

i doubt if we share the same genes
dont you think we are too different to be in the same family?
i even think we are too different to be of the same gender.
jesus christ. i like no female like this. holy crap.
or
if even the same species shouldnt contain two beings so distinct,
i could give up being a human and transcend into a tree.
chop me.

thought i have said too many times that i would rather be a boy.
to me, true or not, a boy has more freedom, coming with more responsibility deemed less a burden than imprisonment.
liberty is so important. autonomy and anarchy are what i secretly look up to.
anarchy could be a good thing, i suppose, if the citizens know how to live
the supremest being having the order from our heart, cultivated from within, needs not the external confinement, stupid law to teach that always fail to meet up with the ever-changing exterior.
and a boy can take a more active role, in numerous matters indeed.
carefree and rational, more on matters and less on people (jeez).

so stupid. plain stupidity.
so unnecessary.
ghastly and ugly.

i want friendships between males
more physical and less emotional. i presume.
seen quite some examples along the way
well ofcourse there are some non ones, but there certainly is more physicality between males than females?
more bodily more geometric more regular
less about feeling and more about regularity
so muscular so strong so physical so simple
thumb downs to complications.

my other idealisation in my absence
and its not about me.
never involved.

ironically i say i dont feel it right. its mental. it kills.

life, and unlife

have always thought that using polysemy is clever.
now i think the similar idea of 語帶相關 is more intriguing.
(what in english?)
encountered one example the other night and the ambiguity it brought was
fascinating.
there is this narrow and thrilling grey zone of uncertainty,
you know the
aboutness
or uponness
standing on the tinniest edge leaning forth touching the finish line
and the finish line at its tensest stretch
yet to be burst
right yet to be burst
superbly exquisite
always the yummiest
John Keats' Ode to the Grecian Urn revisited
frozen time
unliveliness freezes the eternal ecstasy
never achieved
never completed
never end
full of potentiality and imagination
masterpiece
oh and this very perspective on paradox (best and yet) echoes what has been taught in my chinese culture class: taoism

briefly it is about yin-yang
so both are opposite, and complementary
yes and no are not so contradictory, but no is the former yes
with full potential to become whatever to be (the yes)
no is the principle and yes the manifestation.
cares not gives you best chances to rule over something
(though by then you care not about ruling or winning or getting that something)
as Mark Zuckerberg stated on his page about letting go of desires

and Tsang also talked about it last wed
oh yea i got it now but i couldnt quite apply and make myself think this way
still suffer from shortsightedness (i thought old flower, which is similar to longsightedness, only falls on aged people?)
in that 830 class he was also talking about life (so heavy).
alright so li ka shing has foresight and always knows what he company wants to focus on in 5, 10 years,
and in contrast i have the slightest idea of what to do with my life
though i still expect the thrill i will have
when i am in yet another novel setting of life
hey think about going from high school to university, or from HK to the States
now from study to work? or HK to Germany?
it certainly will be excitement.
so in need of new thrust, which for me is quite the reverse:
brought by extrinsic environment.

the passive type.
from birth to present the passive type.
so when he talked about the 10 year plan, i thought he was couching me
and me alone.
(it sounded like we were in the room with a piano and dotted walls
to absorb sound. so private for us)
his example was:
if you want to be a 總採主 in ten years, you have to be a 採主 in five, a reporter in one.
jesus that tight schedule.

ASK: what to be in ten years?

life is such a one way road
no u turns can be made
what has been done cannot be undone
but i always thought there was the experience
which im unsure if makes a sound reason or a bad excuse for me to misbehave.
aha i have come back to keats and taoism.
problems unresolved, as always.
roarrrrr: should i care what i want to be at all when life signifies nothing? or does it? perhaps experiences mean a little something? to the present me who feels and lives despite the many vanities and nothingness.
uh-oh ozymandias. at least shelleys poem lives on for a bit longer.

and i see the old men in the town park
Menschen gucken.
they look quite miserable (just my unjust subjective feeling flung at them tho)
maybe they are not sad beings at all
i wonder what they think about sitting alone on the bench, looking so vacant (to me)
i suppose living right next to the big park is one of the best plus living in far northwest NT. i will miss this park (the nature!)
but, where have the old women gone? i thought they outlive men? no dont stay in the house! come out and get fresh air! liberate yourself!

doing loops around the park is uneasy, especially when you do it on your own, with no one running next to you, talking to you, filling up the blankness of your mind (so the only thing that comes in is ´heyyyy short of breath? stop now. no one knows you ran for just 12 minutes´)
and i knew so well that it was just breath that is problematic, my muscles werent aching and would not ache afterwards. it was just the breathing. and my bulk totally wants a bit more stretching.
but my shoelace beat me.

i just realised that i have taken leather as a material, and not animal...
i mean i know that its animal skin, but i dont regard it as part of something that lived.
no i dont want to see people who saw things on their plate fillet on market shelf, and not the fish in the sea.

°oh i have written too much. i broke my rule of writing as little and as ambiguous as could be, so leave room for imagination and readers to fill in. tactic to get empathy. or maybe this is still vague enough.

is there a just war?

learning about churchill, he leads me to WWI, and...:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_wars_and_disasters_by_death_toll

cause its only in the quiet that i hear myself speak

i always want a bit of time, however little it be, for myself, every night before i drown into the ´passing away´, the coma, in which i dream so tiringly jing tsoi. fantastical. good for movies.
a few ticktocks for me and me alone, so i could condense what i have done or thought about that day. crystallisation (oh crystal has no life or does it?).
make it lasts longer, as long as it could possibly be despite the vain pursuit of infinite and eternal preservation of my ´thought of the time,´ cause i keep changing, be it a positive or a negative slash growth or decline.

because i cant think properly, by hearing the in-me speak, when im not in silence (more precisely when my brain is not working for solely one task: hear myself). so i hear myself? two mes?



and i doubt whether being too self conscious is a healthy thing to do.
or splitting myself into an in-me and an out-me: schizophrenia.
back to the last entry: and is the in-meMeanings of life: better, in whatever sense, a benchmark for an ideal me, than the out-me? or the other way round? is there an average of the two?

•••

Yet there is one thing I'm certain about: I ( both) get better when I'm with awesome friends of mine, with whom I have confusing dialogues impossible with other else. Ga yau and lift yourself.

Isn't it incredible when a friend, possibly an equivalent of distraction, becomes a reservoir of support, a spring of positive energy? What a pal.

一起跑圈圈

我以為有這樣的一個空間, 時間或地點,
所有東西充滿真理及完美.

我以為那個才是我們應該追求的境界, 所以我盲目追逐
喘不過氣地跑在一個圓圈當中
沒完沒了.

圓形當中沒有出路, 即使想放棄也放棄不來.
喘不過氣.
沒完沒了.

"圈子是一個人人熟悉的虛構世界."

虛構世界?
還是我虛實不分?
我大聲問道:
"何處是正確的方向?"
"我應該往哪走?"

問題無效, 因為答案從來沒有出現.
perception is reality.

從來只有主觀建構, 沒有客觀事實.
那個關於真理及完美世界的異想. 天不給我開就沒有辦法.
不是我消極, 是積極性根本不存在於殘酷變態的現實當中.
(或是我盲了)
但是我歡迎你, 請隨便看不順, 請隨便責難.
我感謝你, 努力把我拉上你們的正軌,
因為我跑圈圈已經跑得太久了, 想坐上行直線的火車.

但是我到現在仍然認為
天下萬物皆虛

記憶是虛構的
經歷過同一事情的你和我次次有不同演釋.
現實是虛構的
不同的觀點與角度.

人生既然沒有方向, 走著總要回到總點. 我走來有甚麼意思.
不如坐在圓心看你跑圈圈好了.

self protective mechanism :(

das tut mir ganz leid,
wenn ich nicht du bin. und ich kann nicht deine Problemen lösen. vielleicht kann ich nicht sogar deine Situation verstehen. das tut mir sehr leid.
ich fühle mich nutzlos. das hasse ich.

dass hasse ich so, deshalb ich mich schützen sollte, damit werde ich nicht verletzt. ich weiß nur zu verlassen. also verlasse ich, obwohl ich mich nicht meinen Wille sicher bin. aber gehe ich irgendwo. und ich gehe irgendwo.

(不)活在系統當中

我希望我的身體不發熱
那麼昆蟲就不會來襲
當我在陽光暖照的春日下
在公園長椅看書的時候
村上春樹的 1Q84

世上一點點的生命太多
小如微塵
滋擾盪漾

樹上的飛鳥吱喳鳴叫
在歌唱在交談
我分不清楚也聽不明白
若身邊有你，我會問一聲
他們在說甚麼？
然後你稍稍擰頭
報我一個無奈的微笑
我聽出你心裡的讀白:
你唔係呀ma
我又問了不明所己的問題
out of human comprehensibility
we shrug
we laugh
heads off

很可怕
1Q84 的小小人跟 1984 的 big brother
我們都活在不明所己
這不是故弄玄虛
混沌的確存在
一片灰白
飄渺無形

超越想像的神秘力量
粗暴地支配著我們
虛弱的精神及肉體不斷作徒然的掙扎
一切的訊息都發出放棄的指示
一了百了

可以一了百了
all or nothing 的機制下
要不麻目，要不毀滅
兩者皆可怕
人選了甚麼？

最可憐的是領袖
那傳遞訊息的人