what am i imagining about?

if it goes your pace
its gonna be the speed of light
less than a month
and less than six months

we blow and it will be blown
too fast

and we are both
sort of
sophisticated
knowing things change
for no reason
or reasons too negligible
the external changes
we are too mini to control even just ourselves

if i am allowed to use your logic
in your correct way
i figure you have something
at least the negligible something
rather than a stark blankness
or weak pink
too sickening this color
or baby blue?

the pool to dive into
full of tangible nothingness
little lives and little babies
mellow odor and visual stimulations
tactile coolness

we are sensitive to
weird things

what am i imagining about?
hasnt it been just less than an hour
crimson red

in an other world

a gem in this
a sand in that
the two worlds the mismatch
incomparable

schizophrenic existence
irreconcilable emos

the humans the flesh
the torso and head
utter distinction
passion turned sour
yet to be pasteurized
fermenting yogurt
need more probiotics

lost in materialism
pseudo retrieval in religions

why have i come into existence in dogma and sarcasm

°°°
been in this other word
met this other guy
wish his shade would stay
i could slice a piece for his direct simple otherness

humbly

Any Other World

oddly enough it pissed me off
the
nice ness
thy broadness

cursedly worse

curd of bean i need to rinse the minced pork
you passed me
the smell truly provocative
veggie me

oh my olfactory

dimmed thy vision and tactition
reversed audition and gustation
awkward sensory
whatever chemistry and biology

leave me your trigonometry

~you can tell the dif fe rence
and let it un furl
in to bro ken rem nants

alcohol is a magnifier

gulu gulu down poured down the elixir
fruity and floral
so womanly

down an esophagus

diffusion and capillary
tunnel through the protein blocks
into this world of flying red beans

so womanly

hormonal gush
countenance in a maze
lost and beam of ration still says
one direction and you would escape

a deer in a forest

the heart bumps like it trots
throb throb throb

toxicly alcoholic

inexplicably happpppiiiii

im so exciteddddd

shud be quite unhappy having finished my last paper (oh my heart still aches a bit and i feel the spasm tho im still in general HAPPY lol)

i have always loved writing papers forcing myself to dig deep in a subject and get inspired and learn more through researching or just thinking
i love condensing thoughts and structuring them and all
its painstaking but feels GREAT
so fulfilling so rewarding
oh christ i wrote 4200 words lolll
thats like 2 papers in just 3 or 4 days omg i cant believe
9 pages in total. single spaced
alright i sound bragging now shud know how useless papers now are everyone publishes and submit to overrated journals
and theres grade inflation and stuff hahahaha but i feel like being happy hahahahaha
okay i have judas and the edge of glory with me all the time hahahahahahahahaha

alright i sound really really weird tonight

but now im happy cause
im going to xinjiang so soon
oh i feel the vibeeee yayyyyyyy
ahahahahahaha shudnt be tooooooo hing fun tho
expect less to enjoy the thrill the most ohhhhh but i cant help myself its hilarious

been so happy the entire dayyy!

and im happy when i think abt getting in the whole new world of work
its really weird tho its so abnormal that im so positive and happy and blahblahblah
but im seriously
happy and positive and all im confident and im happy cause i think im gonna be happy in things i find.
i mean i dont think im gonna do what i now want but i think im gonna be placed where im gonna find some new love
like studying english. like studying biology
i mean i never knew i would enjoy it but fate always turns out to be so good to me
have this adaptive and positive and insane gene
so very blessssed

haha pama not at home tonight
and i had a happy day out with gajie
and pama called and i was telling them the same
sounding extremely optimistic about getting a job and im gonna enjoy what i do
cause im adaptive and positive and all
and im so unbelievably capable lolll
alright i admit i have my very subjective understanding of what capable means XD
at least i love what i study and know and think and all
yayyyyyy i just think and im happy
wow so cool i get happy just by thinking!

omg im so abnormally happy tonight

not that strange hyperness but real
joy
ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

and im listening to lenka now!

oh dear and i have such a nice day out under good weather this afternoon
she got what she want and i got what i want: a happy her hahahahahahaha
so precious so precious so precious
had good food and happy conversation fun atmosphere and at night we were talking on my bed and wahhh so rare lollll sort of mo liu because pama not at home but all fine cause im happyyyyy

so stream of consciousness hahahahaha

oh mine im tired but i dont wanna sleep away my happiness
read some catcher in the rye? will it make me cynical again lol

0020: barely started my last essay...

seriously this is the good/ bad attitude i acquired from Steve and Ashley

so those people kept telling me that going out for gelato is more important than staying in to work on papers
that go hang out chit chat drink and play mafia in the common room is more important than stay in to revise for tomorrows test
and we would spend hours talking about things that will not appear on our exam papers
italian christmas (oh dear i miss your panettone and your panna cotta)
and we would spend hours talking about our pasts
you would show me pictures of your home i would google earth to show you where i live
you would tell me about your past insanity and depression and family
and i would listen in amazement
i admire your boldness
too bad im way too obedient hahaha edges lost and missed too much experiences
and i would hear you talk about world politics. always impressed. always.
and i would challenge you though i really knew nothing
random thoughts and creativity
you would like it cause i am an alien in your world
i bring in new excitement.
we just made up bull shit but it was precious. GOLDEN.
and at 2am we would be out in the snow. i would watch you climb up and sit on john carolls lap.
and i walk pass a window i would smash it with a snowball.
and we would walk several blocks just to get one slice of pizza because you feel like having it after alcohol.
i mean. i dont like drinking too much but i love walking with these people.
right these were the petty moments we would later recall, and not those times we seclude ourselves and do things we reluctantly make ourselves to.
exam is important for school and graduation
but chilling is crucial for life.
ofcourse it is great if i enjoy writing my papers so this moment is still meaningful and significant and all
but it really should be no confinement to fun.
crappy excuse
those people seriously work harder than they play thats why they are hoyas
but they play harder than i work and i hardly play at all. shameful.

so at 0015 when i havent written one word for my last essay
im here to type to write to liberate myself
free thoughts like free fall
dangerous and yet
fascinating:

i think he really is my male clone.
i mean...my cousin who is 5 years senior
we think in so similar ways.
it scares me
both our parents think we are similar
ly
rebellious and cynical
and i quite like it
i think he likes it too

or probably it is because i dont know him too well so i could believe there aint any dissimilarities
interesting humand beings

yesterday night he asked my granny
so have you forgiven your mum?
LAUGH OUT SUPER LOUD.

everyone has so interesting storiesssss.

Post to share: 伊斯蘭學者：拉登必上天堂

2011-05-08

前言﹕拉登身亡後，香港媒體集中引述西方報道，對伊斯蘭世界的回應甚少着墨；有說六成內地網民同情拉登，原因也鮮有被分析。奧薩馬（化名）是來自東部的中國境內公認的著名伊斯蘭領袖、學者和阿拉伯語導師，曾往麥加朝聖，在穆斯林群體中廣有影響力。他近日婉拒了眾多中外記者採訪，因為自言觀點與主流媒體太不一致，不希望引起相關組織不便。筆者與他相識多年，不時向其請教伊斯蘭教義，經再三勸說，終獲答允以化名分享他對整件事情的回應，以下與伊斯蘭教義相關的筆錄已經奧薩馬本人核對。筆者對一些觀點自有保留，特別是關於猶太人的論述，但無論我們是否認同，這都是能引起思考的資訊。

問 沈旭暉
香港教育學院文理學院副教授及對外關係統籌主任，香港中文大學全球政治經濟碩士課程客席副教授及統籌

答 奧薩馬
化名，中國境內著名伊斯蘭領袖及學者

訪問助理 李珈慶

拉登數年前已死，美國自編自導自演

沈﹕一般穆斯林對拉登的死有什麼反應？

奧﹕呵呵呵（笑）……很簡單，就是沒有什麼反應。我的即時反應就是如常，沒有理會，因為我覺得整件事情很可笑﹕其實美軍是怎麼殺死他的呢？當我愈花時間去看這新聞，便發現整個事件都是美國自編自導自演製造出來的。我認為被美軍殺死的人不是拉登本人，我估計拉登數年前已死了，但美國是聰明的，等到現在這時機才演這套劇目出來。

沈﹕怎麼知道拉登一早死了？

奧﹕我知道拉登早前身體是不好的，特別是他有腎病。如果你在阿富汗和巴基斯坦那些衛生環境惡劣的地方要洗腎，哪可以像香港一樣隨時進行呢？何况現在說他死在巴基斯坦首都伊斯坦堡近郊的軍事設施附近，那你說巴基斯坦政府不知道，可能嗎？那也是美國劇目的一部分罷了。美國已經不是第一次說謊了，就像伊拉克有什麼大殺傷力武器？其實美國情報知道得很清楚。

沈﹕假如這真是美國自編自導自演的劇目，為什麼要選這時機？

奧﹕呵呵呵（笑）……這事情根本對世界沒有什麼影響，最得益便是美國以及奧巴馬自己。這是一個很特別的時間，美國在阿富汗和伊拉克都沒有進展，經濟也搞不好，必須證明在反恐戰爭交出成績，奧巴馬才可連任。我們的媒體還忽視了一些很重要的事﹕拉登所謂死前，埃及的變化很大，那過渡政府居然讓伊朗軍艦通過蘇彝士運河，巴勒斯坦的哈馬斯及法塔赫剛落實在埃及和解，這些都不符合美國利益，反映奧巴馬不懂處理茉莉花革命，所以這是轉移視線的時機。

沈﹕即是奧巴馬比布殊聰明？

奧﹕數年前我到沙特，很多沙特人跟我說美國不會捉拉登，因為拉登家族跟布殊家族生意太多。這次布殊拒絕到世貿遺址陪奧巴馬演戲，一來覺得沒面子，二來也是因為自己的家族尷尬。

處理「拉登遺體」完全不符伊斯蘭教義

沈﹕美國說根據伊斯蘭教義，已把拉登海葬。假如被殺的真是拉登，美國應如何處理他的遺體呢？

奧﹕根據正宗伊斯蘭教規，必須交由穆斯林自己處理他的遺體。就是美國要自己經手，也要找伊斯蘭宗教領袖主持葬禮。美國說根據伊斯蘭教義完成，難道美軍內有人懂得為拉登讀葬禮經文？

沈﹕那伊斯蘭教有沒有海葬的習慣？

奧﹕只有一種情况﹕假如人在海上死了，到岸上可能要花一兩個星期，才可以海葬。程序是先將遺體潔淨，用白布包裹，進行簡單葬禮，然後放下海。從來沒有穆斯林在岸上死了進行海葬的。

沈﹕美國也說擔心有人會將拉登的墳當作聖地崇拜，所以才海葬。

奧﹕這完全不可能，只反映美國對伊斯蘭教的無知，編寫這劇目時，功課做得不夠好。拉登是屬於瓦哈比派的，他們死後根本沒有墳墓，也不會立碑把名字寫上去。你看信奉瓦哈比的沙特王室死後，哪裏能找到他們的墳？也不過是簡單埋葬而已，在哪裏後人都不知道、也不在意，死了就死了，其他人對他葬在哪裏問也不會問。美國說沒有地方可葬拉登，完全是荒謬。

沈﹕有穆斯林會把墳墓當聖物嗎？

奧﹕什葉派才重視墳墓，像伊朗的霍梅尼死後，他的墳造得很大，花了以億計的美元，很多人到那裏看。蘇菲派的導師死後，有時也是如此，印度、巴基斯坦、中國甘肅、寧夏和青海都有這些墳，但一定不是拉登這派。

穆斯林眼中的拉登﹕動機正義的罪人

沈﹕拉登在穆斯林世界受支持嗎？

奧﹕首先，我們至今不知道9/11是否拉登做的。蓋達組織是沒有地方的，也沒有架構，其實只是一種精神。他的精神像反美、反以色列、支持巴勒斯坦人，這理念很多穆斯林一定支持。如果你的行為是為了正義，為了保護自己的生命、財產、家庭、國家和領土，有什麼問題呢？但如果行為是撞擊那個大廈或炸酒店，令完全無辜的人失去生命，這是沒有穆斯林會認同的，因為這是伊斯蘭教義不容許的嚴重罪行。就是真正的Jihad，都不可以傷害無辜的人。

沈﹕拉登這個人在穆斯林心目中的形象如何？

奧﹕他很虔誠，生活很刻苦，而他是富有的，為何這樣辛苦呢？只是為了他心目中的正義。因此很多穆斯林中都認為他是英雄，起碼出發點是好的。何况我們中國人看面相，你看拉登像是壞人嗎？美國就是利用他的單純來對抗蘇聯。就是9/11真的是他策劃，不少穆斯林也一方面當他是英雄，另一方面不認同他的手法，因為不符合教義，感情是複雜的。

沈﹕為什麼拉登的出發點這麼重要？

奧﹕在伊斯蘭教，意念非常重要，一切出發點一定要為了真主安拉，才可以上天堂。例如就是你捐錢幫助了人，但動機只是沽名釣譽、為了個人利益，也是違反教義的。至於以好的動機做壞事，同樣是違反教義，例如我們穆斯林不可以賭錢，如果你開賭場，說是為了賺錢起清真寺，可不可以？當然不可以。

猶太人才搞恐怖主義，塔利班只是八十後

沈﹕說到底，你認為9/11是一件什麼事？

奧﹕拉登從來沒有說這是他做的，我們至今都有大量真相不知道。有一種說法是9/11是猶太人做的，目的是製造有利的國際形勢，當天很多猶太人沒有上班。這說法在中東廣泛流傳。

沈﹕但世界普遍相信是伊斯蘭激進分子策劃9/11……

奧﹕這個說法是不合理的。以美國今天的軍事科技，伊斯蘭世界確是沒法比的，唯一可以對抗的就是不對稱手段，但這不等於恐怖主義，不等於穆斯林會殺傷無辜。恐怖分子其實是以色列，猶太人做這些是一流的，當年鄂圖曼帝國解體後，英國人都對猶太人的恐怖主義沒有能力應付，穆斯林卻是從來不幹這些的。

沈﹕塔利班、哈馬斯也被一些西方輿論視為恐怖分子，你認同嗎?

奧﹕塔利班執政的時候是有些過火、有些極端，但這只是對教義的理解出現偏差而已，他們的動機是好的。在阿富汗戰爭中，塔利班在最後階段走出來，這些年輕人就像現在香港的八十後，很有理想和衝勁，他們對抗蘇聯的軍隊，怎能算是恐怖分子？就是看後來的行為，塔利班對基本原則都是不會亂來的。再說哈馬斯，自己的國家給人霸佔了，起來反抗，誰是恐怖分子呢？美國把拉登和哈馬斯都當作恐怖分子，又為什麼不打哈馬斯呢？都是為了利益。

沈﹕你看這是反恐戰爭的勝利嗎？

奧﹕呵呵呵（笑）……恐怖主義從來沒有劃一定義，不少穆斯林認為世上最大恐怖分子是美國，很多事情都是他們自己做出來的。你研究國際關係，對這個應該是最清楚的了。

根據伊斯蘭教義，拉登必上天堂

沈﹕有一個說法是拉登以上天堂鼓勵自殺式襲擊者，但根據你剛才的話，拉登假如傷害了無辜的人，就是出發點被認同，也不可以上天堂了？

奧﹕誰上天堂我是不可以判的，只有真主安拉可以判，我只能求主讓他上天堂。何况我們都不知道9/11是否他做，只有真主知道。

沈﹕假如9/11真的是拉登策劃，但他依然希望上天堂，可以如何？

奧﹕殺無辜的人是嚴重罪過，日後要懺悔，求真主的原諒，並要做很多善事及好事來赦罪。

沈﹕根據伊斯蘭教義是可以這樣赦罪來上天堂的？

奧﹕可以的，但要看情况。有人問，殺死人可不可以懺悔？可以。又有人問，我去殺人，我可不可以殺死人後懺悔？這就不可以了，因為這是動機的問題。但我肯定拉登是有懺悔的。

沈﹕何以見得？

奧﹕因為穆斯林每一天都會懺悔，我們說錯話，做錯事，無論是否知道，都要懺悔！呵呵呵（笑）……每人每天都犯很多過錯 ﹐我們穆斯林天天懺悔既是為了自己知道的過錯，也包括了自己不知道的過錯。拉登是很虔誠的穆斯林，所以他就是策劃了9/11、是否主觀知道那是罪，也肯定懺悔了很久。

沈﹕那就可以直達天堂了？

奧﹕不是。一千多年前，有人問先知穆罕默德，殺了人會如何呢？先知說，殺人的人會受到「火獄」的懲罰，但被殺的人也要進入火獄，因為當時雙方的動機都是想殺死大家。當然，現在時代改變了，假如被殺的人真的完全無辜，也可以對教義有新的演繹。

沈﹕火獄就是天堂的對立面，我們常說的地獄？

奧﹕根據古蘭經，信真主的人將來都會上到天堂。但假如穆斯林做了壞事，儘管他會求真主原諒，但真主原諒多少是沒有人知的。他死後會先到火獄接受懲罰，真主是公平的，會按每人的壞事程度和懺悔程度，決定他在火獄接受懲罰多久。經過火獄的懲罰之後，只要你生前信真主，總有一天，你會從火獄走出來進入天堂，也就是indirect的「間接式上天堂」。

沈﹕拉登完全不經火獄是否可能？

奧﹕也可能，但每人情况不同，不能一概而論。聖訓記載，有個人見到一隻狗快要死便給他水，最後救活了狗，這件事傳到穆罕默德耳中，聖人說這個人做了很大的善事，足以抵消之前所做的所有壞事。又有人在家餓死了貓，先知卻說這足以抵消之前的善事。有些人做了很多壞事都可能受到主的原諒，直接進入天堂，這些全是真主決定。

沈﹕言下之意，是拉登早晚也會到天堂？

奧﹕對，而且假如他真的被美國打死，會上得更快、更直接，因為他已是烈士。

°°°
奧薩馬 = Usama?

Dein Weg zu tun

the very moment at which
left paw on threshold
about to show
the gleeful face almost followed

right paw hinged upon midair
hesitation
wrapped everything into a pause
or was it an end

waving back it beheld
the smiley raised and elevated
elation
it went out to embrace
each vault bred a lotus

'i would have gone mind blank
hopped out in flower field
and hug. eyes closed'
murmured the witness

'too much too fast too intense the pole cant hole?'
it suspected
'then its still right to pull the wrong pole down'
nod nod.

probably so.

For you, a thousand times over

´i looked at the photo. your father was a man torn between two halves, rahim knah had said in his letter. i had been the entitled half, the society-approved, legitimate half, the unwitting embodiment of baba´s guilt. i looked at hassan, showing those two missing front teeth, sunlight slanting on his face. baba´s other half, maybe, in the most secret recesses of his heart, baba had thought of as his true son.
i slipped the picture back where i had found it. then i realized something: that last thought had brought no sting with it. closing sohrab´s door i wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night´

the you is righteousness and love.

the kite runner -- khaled hosseini
a story of reconciliation with the home country, the culture, the family, the self. and humanity. some good human nature. some natural features of humans and non humans.
the process of which is long and painful. nothing like fancy epiphany.

more paradoxes

“When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.”

haha (this reminds me of how i used to be ´haha,´ and a friend ´hehe´ lol that was nine years ago orz childhood and youth are the mellowest times oh dear)

i seldom toss a coin because i usually know what i want (i guess).
but the problem is: should i do what i want, or should i do what i should do?
in these occasions, the coin might still help.

suddenly i recall my visit to the atlanta aquarium almost a year ago
there was a pool in which u could put u hand and touch the coral and the urchin
and i had (i still have) that wound on my forearm

my ration told me that i shouldnt risk getting infected
or disgustingly and unhygenically leave some body parts (lol i mean body tissues or fluids) in the water
but i wanted to (here came my emo)

and i did it

the water was cool but i felt the germs lol
i mean...there had to be germs when there were organic beings down there
living creatures (love and hate)
and all kids (and some adults too) soaked their hands in there as well.
(i thought i am germophobic?)
but i did it anyway.

i think i go more with my heart than with my brain
like today ive been reading and not quite revising too
erm. i need someone to tell me if this is good or bad, right or wrong

(do all things need to be judged, even these...silly personal doings?)

°°°
ahhhh i wish this blog could go more ambiguous.
more like deterring literature
so only those who could bear would stay. and those who couldnt would look for new places to read.

but i aint a master of ambiguity yet

°°
was it among the first few entries that i wrote about my sneakily eating cherries on 85K?
and i have this best friend who told me when we met up that she knew i had cherries lolll
i was super elated when i felt people knew me.
but i also felt weird when someone read this and let me know
and i still do (sorry...)

i mean
i dont write with some specific readership in mind
i even wish i dont have friends reading it
so i could really write what i have in mind
hiding nothing fearing someone knows my evil thoughts

friends,
dont u think i could be pretending to be someone in this blog?
like
i act as if im nice and friendly and cherryloving but in reality i aint?
(well ofcourse you have your own brain to poke burst my hypocrisy)
and even if i aint acting
this blog is just what i think i am
it could be wrong
or
at least this is just part of me rather than a macro view of this weird being
so this is very partial

problem: i want people to know. but i dont want to know people knowing. PARADOX.
let me count how many have i revealed this blog to...ugh...

i secretly wish i make new friends when strangers read it and think
oh gosh this blogger writes what i think
well...now i have said it. its not a secret. too bad.

hmm. it feels really weird knowing who is reading it lol okay i will change the address when this weirdness grows too strong for me to bear.
erm. dont worry love when proseybrook doesnt exist anymore, it probably has become proseysomethingelse, and will probably return when my ego needs acknowledgment again, as often.
last time i killed my xanga and a friend thought i was about to jump off a building. (oh i killed it because i spent too much time on it. dont i have the same problem right now?)

hahahahahahaha i like how metaphysical this is.
but i really think i am schizophrenic lol

two-third-way response: the kite runner: afghan. taliban. hazara.

how could someone read and not moved?

the courage have i
or not
to do Things that mean something
Things that matter i crave i could
i pledge i would (so heavy i bear till collapse)

been reading the horror of this planet
aka brutality and bloodiness
aka stupidity and absurdity
aka impoverishment and barrenness of places
aka exploitation and discrimination of people
and more

all caused by us -- the supreme species of all
yuck gods children
so cursed
(are we created to be cursed? to suffer unknowingly, i.e. the worst of all suffereings?)

massacre of some races
inhumane treatment of females
(oh right these things have never stopped to my surprise)
and more

all are indeed
beings that are 99.999% us
and i mean both murders and victims
so too we are capable of similar savageness
(does harming people bring at least temporary satisfaction?)
just the thin thought of this scares the hell out of me.

or are we all feeble and fragile and helpless
for i already tend to think i am courageless and useless
wont make a difference whether this world has one more warm or cold heart
oder? bitte persuade me otherwise.
or i might convince myself
yes i could give up on mine because im tiny like dust
why bother

why am i brought to earth now i protest
i have never wanted to exist
you dont have my consent to bring me into existence
you steal my right of existence denial...

and now in my forced existence, i needa validate and legitimise my existence by doing good to the world (or what or how?)
which takes effort i aint sure i could afford to place
for i am selfish
and feeble and useless
three of probably more horrid characters passed to me through dirty genes and blood
(is there false logic going on here? i need some logical people)

and people say
dementia is a blessing
cause you know less think less and care less
this is nonsense
total crap
because non-existence, or death, is better than dementia.

helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll im so darkk.
correction: THIS WORLD is sof dark hellllllllllllllllllll.

who lied to me that reading brings pleasure?

how could i care about exam and worlds with friends and xinjiang and icecream and job and money and Cynicism blahblahblah when there are lives constantly being taken away out there (hahahahahahaha). best excuses. i deserve nothing but execution.

°°°
unless im really doing something something
wailing and complaining and criticising here should be forbidden
alright
back on the healthy track
wow im impressed lol

Zendagi migzara -- Rahim Khan

bugs me

CIA is terroristic
bin laden (might have been) dead. but vengeance and violence. uh oh.
horror. the horror - kafka

°°°
bad day

i see wealth corrupting love
authority compelling to obedience
i leave still a bit of respect
however unwillingly

i think i belong to another culture
i should be a bac in plain yogurt. nothing fancy.
organisch und natürlich bin ich.

why dont you cast me away and spend on some promising more reward
i reckon it a bad cause chosen
and you degrade an investment into a gamble
schlecht und schrecklich
sof monetary.
and money is distasteful.

now i know where originate cynicism and dogma.

could have been placed for a better cause
a cause that is loving and merciful
right and justifiable
now so unnecessary and wrong
and troublesome
and problematic
and it bugs me

you put bugs in my sleeves
my tunnels through which breeze blows through

hollowness

°°
ay i figure that i can tell unmindful jokes even at my worst condition.
i am so pathologically happy.

mindful: not to spread negative energy. fullstop.

minibus thought° age° pfui

so very inspirational talk on the minibus
oh dear friends friends friends i have the most awesome friends wowwwwww

so hin hin was telling me about it
'oh yes i dont tell her meanings behind obscene words she doesnt understand'
'huh? i would totally demand the truth and knowledge to everything, good or bad'
'dont want to get her polluted'
'yes she is totally too nice and too good and seriously, pure'

know more for good or for bad. i dont know. i just know i want to know more.
hm
could be
preserving someone as the someone. absolute no alteration. originality.

could there be: know more means have less because i lose intuition and instincts and faith and trust and some more seemingly precious virtues? dont know
but who could. maybe the opposite direction jesus knows

but i thought people change anyways?
regardless.
we just change over time for no reason
factors minor or major we evolve and
change
in a positive or negative direction impossible to argue about
perspective.

and i said i aint sure what i want
this is true
but
i also said
i wanted to try cause if i dont try i would never know.
try being prepared to fail
oh dear thats pathetic and too painful tho
escapeeeee im a goat an ostrich whose head now in sand.
another example of gaining to lose
oh dear poooooooooooor.

being submissive believing in fate.
okay fate will lead me there why bother
fate is making me submissive (or at other times terribly happy and positive and optimistic and hypocritical) oh well.

°°°
do u know that my grandmother has alzheimers? oh yes she does.
prime reason why i would kill myself when i malfunction.
its sad to see and horrible to bear.
ich brauche Einsamkeit.

°°
to that
wongfu movie everyone posted
well i think we missed the tolerance stage lol
great.
and effort? quite extreme in still impressed
mellownesssss vapourised in intangible air. teehee.