more paradoxes

“When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.”

haha (this reminds me of how i used to be ´haha,´ and a friend ´hehe´ lol that was nine years ago orz childhood and youth are the mellowest times oh dear)

i seldom toss a coin because i usually know what i want (i guess).
but the problem is: should i do what i want, or should i do what i should do?
in these occasions, the coin might still help.

suddenly i recall my visit to the atlanta aquarium almost a year ago
there was a pool in which u could put u hand and touch the coral and the urchin
and i had (i still have) that wound on my forearm

my ration told me that i shouldnt risk getting infected
or disgustingly and unhygenically leave some body parts (lol i mean body tissues or fluids) in the water
but i wanted to (here came my emo)

and i did it

the water was cool but i felt the germs lol
i mean...there had to be germs when there were organic beings down there
living creatures (love and hate)
and all kids (and some adults too) soaked their hands in there as well.
(i thought i am germophobic?)
but i did it anyway.

i think i go more with my heart than with my brain
like today ive been reading and not quite revising too
erm. i need someone to tell me if this is good or bad, right or wrong

(do all things need to be judged, even these...silly personal doings?)

°°°
ahhhh i wish this blog could go more ambiguous.
more like deterring literature
so only those who could bear would stay. and those who couldnt would look for new places to read.

but i aint a master of ambiguity yet

°°
was it among the first few entries that i wrote about my sneakily eating cherries on 85K?
and i have this best friend who told me when we met up that she knew i had cherries lolll
i was super elated when i felt people knew me.
but i also felt weird when someone read this and let me know
and i still do (sorry...)

i mean
i dont write with some specific readership in mind
i even wish i dont have friends reading it
so i could really write what i have in mind
hiding nothing fearing someone knows my evil thoughts

friends,
dont u think i could be pretending to be someone in this blog?
like
i act as if im nice and friendly and cherryloving but in reality i aint?
(well ofcourse you have your own brain to poke burst my hypocrisy)
and even if i aint acting
this blog is just what i think i am
it could be wrong
or
at least this is just part of me rather than a macro view of this weird being
so this is very partial

problem: i want people to know. but i dont want to know people knowing. PARADOX.
let me count how many have i revealed this blog to...ugh...

i secretly wish i make new friends when strangers read it and think
oh gosh this blogger writes what i think
well...now i have said it. its not a secret. too bad.

hmm. it feels really weird knowing who is reading it lol okay i will change the address when this weirdness grows too strong for me to bear.
erm. dont worry love when proseybrook doesnt exist anymore, it probably has become proseysomethingelse, and will probably return when my ego needs acknowledgment again, as often.
last time i killed my xanga and a friend thought i was about to jump off a building. (oh i killed it because i spent too much time on it. dont i have the same problem right now?)

hahahahahahaha i like how metaphysical this is.
but i really think i am schizophrenic lol