Ode to "Lantau Tomorrow Vision": the Murder of the Mute

because the ocean doesn't speak, neither do the trees nor the birds and the butterflies.

but landowners do,
owners of brownfield sites and those with ding rights

whose unwillingness to surrender their entitled land is marked by the small houses unorganizedly placed,

arranged in the most uncontrolled way possible

folks hold dearly to their village heritage and traditions and values 

- unless they get a high premium as compensation

and property developers do, 

who hoard lands, 

including farmland 

(that is designated for farming), 

patiently and impatiently waiting to live the day the government bends the rule of the game to allow them build the most number of the smallest flats 

to be sold at the most unaffordable prices

so that they will have even more money to acquire more land for hoarding

the business model is fairly sustainable.

and construction companies do, 

who feast on the infinite infrastructure projects in the name of development

they build non-stop 

and bulldoze non-stop

and the construction waste goes to landfill

and both land and landfill also do not speak.

even golfers do,

retaining exclusive usage rights from the last Century

which rich city does not need private golf courses?

it's a status symbol that the financial hub deserves

the spending of half the amount sitting at the bursary doesn't bother me,

but choosing the easy target and murdering the mute do.

Unkind, uncompassionate, and fair (and not really)

What good is this combination

First time we met

I faked being nice, or did I not

And she bought it

Second time we met

I put on no fucks given

And she was only surprised by my altitude of attitude change

What was I so unsteady

And unkind

Proud and Prejudiced

Patronizing

Close-minded 

She is genuine

And fares so much better at staying true to oneself

Am a worse human being i.e. relatively speaking

I am lenient towards myself and harsh to her and others

Not fair

Let me try to become better...

Maybe I should tattoo 'kindness' on my arm

adulting

and birmy and croat are back!
how is this not more important than the mismatch and the new without-name

we have grown, and are continuing to grow
develop our stamina and upping our 'adversity' dealing prowess (hah adversity)
aka our adulting capacity
but there are beauts here in there in our little ambitions and minute achievements too
in addition to the big love and support and connection we share, sometimes absent but it's there
maybe a phone call or a few messages away

we are adults now
presumably we are
and giant kids too
with a lot more things in our heads and things to tend
who would have thought there could be so many things
even (way) before we enter parenthood

we have become more reflective and understanding
towards the world's uncertainties and messiness
because whose lives are not ambiguous and all over the place if we are to
embrace
bandwidth they say


who stays sane in this claustrophobic city senseless to the common
mad world
and here we continue to sail in the haze under the storm
with grace and audacity

sooner shorter weird negative feeling, for the better - time will do its job

what intense feeling of
not regret not disgust not jealousy
just
attention whore maybe self-centeredness
i still have not figured this out

reason
i still keep imaging the faintest idea of
he and i not us despite
despite
how awful it had become at some point
the unlikable unpleasant pushy overly and overtly demanding me
uncommunicating and assuming
communications failed when two lives had some many components apart from the other life

peacefulness was uneasy
incidental?
how was anything ever achievable
how was anything achievable ever, even sustainable
sustainable so heavy
reluctance
weary
treacherous

value
i wanted the world spin around me
craze
it's unreasonable
arrogance
unrealistic

i was disappointed at myself
how my emotions betray my aspired values
my aspirations not achieved
so far from them

do i wish well
my wishes don't even matter
but should i wish well
can i genuinely wish them well

he was handling it the right way
but
oddly
there's no bright side to this or any handling

life
and matters
people
and emotions

makes no sense

what does anyone do when he should tell and you don't want to know
should the thing be known?

in the short run no
but in the long run yes
so yes

it will pass
like the other thing
and a lot of other things

let time do its job

what else can i say

we do not privatize someone we do not love and only like
in whatever way we like
i even aspire to not privatize anyone i love
maybe only under some circumstances

i would almost say monoamory is so much easier but it's not
any relationship is not
but perhaps like a phd it's wearing but also rewarding to invest yourself so much
are kids easier than partners
unconditional love guaranteed
how

i do hope that i will get to experience the transcendence to selfless love for some creatures

*** 16 hours later
i occurred to me that perhaps it was jealousy
of she successfully 'colonizing' (LOL) and i did not

and then i had ill thoughts of her youth
reminding myself of the other youth on the other side of the republic
i try to comfort me that youth was unstable
(and i was and still am unstable!)

but come on the agency of the subservient
anyone not you
it's also a collusion
friend's version of partner in crime
more equal if not at all equal standing
i did not get to make you and see you and live you in bliss - my fault
and
you did not get to tame me convert me into a stable state of security and satisfaction your inability

reciprocity?
our languages were different
maybe we talk better now, each from our own balcony
which is as precious as the unbecoming not realized

time
too soon, too short, but not just time

we were and still are

differently wired

hence i was flustered by my own weird feeling, to pass
it felt like a shame, but it wasn't
and it was not a pity. a pseudo pitiful thing

but the thirties handled it better than you did when you were twenty-three
so learn from it
and i wish it would not happen again and it probably would
and you would suffer from it and rise from it and grow from it and learn to appreciate the experience

balancing the unbalanced

insecurity
looming
killing
nipping lives in the bud

only in hindsight had i realize it was utmost stupidity
love was all around and i was imagining insecurity and i killed
us
the many
us-es

so with hindsight experience apart from comparing points in time
compare points at the same time
carpe diem

you must now be able to tell that there was something
removed by you, at least partially
but there is something too
and try not to feel think imagine insecurity now
there is something worth braving yourself for
walking across valleys of insecurity
that's in you
and

that's in them too
maybe


why am i so bad though
i almost always only guard and fend when

"core confidence"
but am i using this as a disguise
*misuse
core confidence is not about tending yourself more than you tend others
but the ability to
not be a snowflake*

be fire instead
and wood
and earth
and water

is this insensitivity

time out yourself
a lot
let it sink before you react
avoiding overreaction

assume a benevolent motive they say
and ask yourself what you are responding too they say

The Mothers by Brit Bennett

the words are delectable, because it's a lot of showing

of the meticulous action of the intense feelings and the mental struggles

which is precious treasure immensely enjoyable

but the plot

is sentimental and made-up sentimental

it's great depth happening in the mothers' familial and romantic contexts

but what's beyond these two dimensions

the triangle, nadia, aubrey and luke

there is 

with the limited information i am not sure what to judge, if judging is acceptable

i don't know if nadia and luke did anything wrong

what if what's wrong is the premise of monogamy

and as rachel said, timing - too early and then too late

oh fate the brat the scoundrel

romance and lust the decadence, of love

between a woman and a man and a woman and a woman

and a mother and a baby and a father and a baby, before they meet and after they never get to meet

perhaps one can be mad at someone they love but cutting ties hurts oneself more

maybe what's wrong is cheating

i actually think nadia and aubrey can share luke

like luke can share nadia with aubrey and aubrey with nadia

Unintentional flirting

one hour into the conversation

after I, or we, had the needed change of scene 

in the second location, coffee as you always suggest with which I always go along

I thought I could no longer look at anyone that way

(I never and neither knew I looked at anyone that way, not did I know I could)

but I was tempted. and it was helpless.

all of a sudden I thought I would ask this whimsical question,

"Who do you think is cooler, you or your wife?"

at you who never considered yourself cool.

shocked, you were; that look on your face, in awe

you responded "I never consider myself cool," or you dodged my compliment, "could I find myself cool, I would have won." everything in Cantonese, ofcourse.

loooooool

we're you shocked that I implied I found you (sort of) cool?

Your wife is one lucky dame 

讀中感：The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

XI and 30
the helplessness, but with compassion
the faith, but also the hopelessness

the careful subservient female Handmaid, and the potent and (so far) gentle Commander
the Commander as head of the household but with certain domains ruled by the jealous wife
crowned / made a Commander
with a human side and indeed more like a nice coward submitting to the system
crowned / made a wife and had to perform jealousy
jealousy a human side pressed by the system more like with grunt almost rebellious against the system

and all individual overpowered by the system
but what is a system but a collective
when / how does the collective transmogrify into a demonic system?

the transition was spot on, chapter 27 to 29 or 30
from the imperfect normality to the fallen world of evil ultimatum
expected but unexpected
and everybody acted late
did no one see if coming or did everyone
or had everyone just played, complicit
complacent

ruthless ultimatum
in which everyone has to be a believer to survive, but everyone is really not

the distinguishing the freedom to from the freedom from

oh dear margaret

you don't know when what's coming if you choose indifference

死線前的小小天人交戰

i prefer the status quo
     that comes with more (monetary reward) and that too is a attractive project
i prefer my current more diverse combination of projects
     that is the project under spotlight
my current project is more meaningful anti-cancer drug kind of that is a throat candy
     throat candy but it's a good candy that everyone pays attention to
that's a painful ride that likely leads to nowhere which i shouldn't take
     it's a healthy battle for a good cause worth fighting
the system is rigid and you will only be bummed
     * you should give it a try so you don't regret not trying *
i would further harm my image when i provoke by applying - would i though?
     it's not so much you provoking and only the meager would be "provoked" by your sensible act

     at least am putting the least effort if i do
     and am prepared to take rejection, gracefully

     窈窕淑女，君子好求
a curse, in disguise
     a blessing in the disguise of a curse

what do i want though
i want
e
v
e
r
y
t
h
i
n
g

興趣多元

     這回事

would i though?

     it must be so common, so so common

but still people could be mean

i want 

e

v

e

r

you should give it a try so you don't regret not having tried

t

h

i

n

g

興趣多元     這回事

seriously i have so little grasp of the likelihood i would it

but - 

you should give it a try so you don't regret

興趣多元這回事

what do i focus on

     what if i utterly do not want to focus

     then am i doomed to 

     fail?

what is success and what is failing anyways

just

don't stop absorbing

20180513

曾幾何時我有多麼的文字要盤吐出來
滿滿的情緒、千絲的念頭
無人可載，就唯有投到這裡

敲打過程中整理、沉殿
一筆一劃感覺沉穩
比口述感覺好太多了


昨天跟非洲人通電話
萬樣事情有口難言啊
"i wanted to talk to you but i couldn't"

words failed me
他怎麼可以覺得我們就可以

Les Rousses

the darkness. in entirety and wholeness. comforting and enticing at the same time. i don't know if i've ever seen complete darkness ever in my life. Dialogue in the dark was artificial. Les Rousses in France was real, and natural, perfect and heavenly.

It was more than darkness. The freedom, the out-of-the-world, the simplicity. Everything so delectable, Simple and fresh food, the dialogue on our lives and food and sex - I recorded it so i could remember how and any conversation should be, naked and honest (fine i respect consent). voices and sound make memories - why did we keep the images in the attic and audio in the trash? [post note: nope we don't keep audio in the trash i was wrong.] i'll try hard to retain more than the feeling.

The feeling of joy, from simplicity, and reunion, from friendship and love, god knows even empowerment. i said it empowered me to sight alternatives - what good or less good lives are there possibilities are exciting aren't they? maybe they are never for me but maybe they are too. not trapped stay untrapped. liberte.

The nature also took my breathe away. Mont Blanc especially. it never crosses my mind a snow-capped mount/ ridges could be of eyes' distance from a city. Maybe Tokyo too am not sure. And doesn't it (mountains and broad skies) always remind you of one's insignificance, or how much more there are out there. Immensity overwhelms me and i like being overwhelmed by good things.

There're too many others small goodness and beauty. The historic house with the big garden I didn't get to see properly and the amusing chilly basement. HISTORY! at present (man it was an escape for kids and men during destitute times, or wasn't it)!

People are kind. Food is delicious.
- drivers who took hitchhikers
- host who didn't mind me burning the chopping board (i mean belittle it but it wouldn't be the case in fkhdk)
- bakery madame who gave us the bigger pain au raisin
- previous hikers who left direction marks for future hikers

gran's funeral, 輩份 and other observations

「輩份」

google translate says 'generations'

some other website more aptly captures it as 'seniority in the family'

yes

more like seniority as well as juniority

the thing that organizes a chinese family by distinguishing generations, and at the same time divides it

at gran's funeral i bonded with my 表姪仔  (nephew) over tossing paper money, paper gold, paper silver and paper lotus into the fire

we had to sustain the fire

(taoist beliefs go that the deceased receives the burnt goods from the living for their use in the other world)

(my cousin five year my senior once said something about it causing inflation in this other world) (is this world called hell?)

an intuitive nine year old, full of potential

i watched my parents and the uncles and aunts bowed a lot of times

bow as in going from standing upright to bending the waist to kneeing to resting the head on the cushion on the floor folding up the entire body

maybe up to thirty times

「够勞未報」(wearisome not repaid), the draping says

it was supposed to be buddhist because my mum arranged it

the believers were chanting under the lead of some master

the wooden fish aka the temple block was hit

then there was the gong or the dong and the clapper

through the microphone, the master's voice sounded steady and young

albeit the whole orchestra was still louder than i had imagined and pleased

(and we were supposed to be grieving in this chanter (誤 chatter) hall?)

(ceremonial was all it was, soothing some but not necessarily others)

(i had my griever some other lonesome occasion some quieter way)

quite a lot of action

some arranged flowers with signs that bore words of patriarchy

(i.e. the son-in-law with the wife mourns; the grandson-in-law with the wife mourns - never the daughter or the granddaughter...)

excluding the choir mostly family but a few friends too

mostly relatives of relatives'

among these was one of my second (elder) uncle from my mother's side (二舅父) 

(because the parental side matters, so is the seniority represented by the age and the order relative to the parent)

who seemed weak and not well

staggered, and had a swollen arm

he talked of being sued

for having installed an air con that needed an external heat sink 

and therefore they went for an external heat sink

that turned out to be illegal (for being external...)

he and this other aunt of mine did not look well

and it was my family that recently experienced someone passing away

(how incredibly lucky i am to still have all sorts of support and privileges to look well and actually be holding up so well in this situation)

i might offer help had i known better how their families were doing 

but i had no clue

and because of my juniority it might be inappropriate for me to ask or probe

maybe i impose this on myself

or am using this as an excuse

but i did not invent this seniority / juniority culture

emotions, why, values

the onion i read somewhere
it did but these days it does not explain my emotions
i must be a bit shattered
overwhelmed
burnt out

i still do things that i have to do
but i have close to zero excess capacity to entertain what's beyond the required

no, i can't or i can't help but refuse to get mentally or emotionally tangled in friend's problems
no, i can't have any stake in anyone else's living
i can only do me
and no one else
not right now

loneliness?
am not sure
i think i do well residing in good books and emotionally stable friends
also
work, as anthony said, the force of stability
it's steady it's good
it's oddly a shelter but it is

wow i didn't imagine life to be life this (when i was a kid)

so it could get so much
emotional and
enervating and
us so helpless

is this me letting myself be or did i have the option to not
i have not figured out what values this represents
me giving in to
me?

gran

there's no way to start
29.5 five years of memory
where do i start
and alas it's already a blur
for she was the culture in my yogurt, the air in my life
i took her for granted what do you think (what did i think)

some snippets
of me accompanying her to the bone-setting doctor
i guess she was not happy that she was hurt, and had become less agile, and more vulnerable
but i wonder if she was happy with my company - i hope she was because i was too
she used to say that during her young age, when she was on the street (hurrying to somewhere), 佢覺得"成條街D人都阻住佢" (she thought "everyone was in her way"). ha. i could imagine

she was full of energy and was always keeping herself busy
graceful, because she took no shame in "lowly" jobs she took up as an illiterate (selling old newspapers to "recyclers")
full of dignity because i had never seen her losing her confidence (except for when dementia took her)
she must be smart
and so respectful having provided for her four children, and my sister and i the two granddaughters

we were flipping old photos today
they were looking for one to put in the center of the funeral hall
she was one pretty lady
hand / palm on chin posed(!) in front of the camera
the sweetest smile that melts
at some point an einstein-like hairdo
thin

she didn't like being touched
(but did she carry me when i was a kid?)

was it actual incident or was it in my head that she used to put an upside down bowl on my head and did my hair?
me growing up, countless nights of we snuggling up on sofa having dinner just the two of us (or with my sister) while watching television
the steamed shredded pork, and later the steamed pork patty (was it because she could no longer do the skillful pork shredding / slicing?)
she was cooking all meals on week days so i was properly nourished

during her last years she fell, more and more often
and she would not make a sound to ask for rescue after she fell and couldn't get up on her own
she would sit on the floor, grumpy at the beginning and mostly helpless or upset (by herself?) as time goes by
the pride
i was impatient with her clumsiness aka arthritis (what monster was i)
i did not understand her dementia that manifested as frustration and sometimes temper (how stupid was i)

[ma's menopause manifested as insecurity
or just being human suffering sense of insecurity, like me]

some years i was away from home
and my family and i skyped
and, even though i must have seen it coming
i was really upset the first time my gran did not recognize me
and even later years, we would remind her who we were every time we met
at first we tested her memory
then later i just wanted to introduce myself to her (as whoever someone i hoped she knew she could trust and rely on)

mid 2015, i was full of anguish when my family told me they were sending her to the elderly home a few weeks before i returned
i probably thought she was not in such a bad condition

when she was in not so bad condition (and after she retired from the family carer role)
there were days she went to the day center aka school
some days i would wheel her to the pick-up point
and some days i would pick her up from the school
ah by then she was already turning into a grumpy child
but there was some nice fun private time between the two of us
one time i wheeled her all the way from shatinwai to home
it didn't cross my mind that it was a bumpy ride for her but she did not whine a second

asymmetrical love
because i feel i had taken so much from her and i had given so little
is this how every parent-child or grandparent-child relationship?
or should i say that a parent / grandparent's love towards the child is given, but not the other way round?
but gran has certainly earned my love, most deservingly

the nursery rhymes she sang us
her family including her son-preferring mother and siblings
younger brother who got to take the bigger piece of meat
what a life

gran you had lived an impressive life full to stories to tell
what intense episodes

***

[i should be nicer to mum...]

***

i would have missed doing this, had clem not reminded me
how important it is to preserve memories
for they sip away when so often you get so consumed by all the errands
the distractions the morphine
the morphine that keeps you sane but makes you lose focus on the worthy and the valuable

gran

gran has passed away
and it can't be ever more clear that any disagreement among the family members on her treatment was unimportant

in less than 48 hours i am already calm

i am sad that i won't get to see her again in her warm body, but
i still hold that it was liberation for her

it may sound terrible, but of the family members, she is the second i hold most dear to
first being my sister
ranking is weird i know but i do that sometimes

i wonder what my mum and the maid are feeling, as my gran's primary caregivers, how big their sense of loss or sadness
because mine was so painfully immense during the first hours
when the sense of loss has been so strong to me, how is it for them who feed her and care for her all day all time?

cherish the living now i learn

despite everything i do not see eye to eye about with my mum, i ought to not just be loving towards, but also show lovingness to her

right or wrong, or rationality, or sensibility, and a lot of things, are never the most important -
but feelings and love?

life the lovable weirdo

啊

怎樣可以
 心靈強大

i guess
zoom out

zoom out a lot of times so you reckon how insignificant present problems are
small annoyances substantiating
life and its episodes

empathy
that i lack
yes i lack
almost abhorrently with pride
self-righteousness
self-tighteousness

but your brain doesn't work that way
your body doesn't work that way
it needs space
sporadic or not sporadic blankness

so give it space
give things space
give people space
and give yourself space

and zoom out to understand, assess and understand values of things
worthiness and priorities

no indeed not money you are after for your life is for accumulating experiences and relationships and love not fiat money
this luxurious values you emboldening
bourgeois perspective you've been graciously granted
cherish it fully embrace it and utilize it and live it
with uncertainty but head the same direction when you get constantly distracted and take occasional detours
envy the pocket loaded but envy the heart loaded even more
and at times despise them and come back to appreciating them

for life is a lovable weirdo