'you gotta be kidding me'

noch!
wirklich?

was ist passiert...lol







habe ich aber sehr große Macht oder?
Einfluss
oder
das hast du allgemein vergessen, daran kümmerst du nicht mehr?

schlimmes Gedächtnis sollte verboten sein

das war aber über 2.5 Jahren und
vor 4 Jahren HATTEN wir uns kennengelernt
die Zeit von Angst und Erheiterung

doch doch doch.

Wenn Schande etwas lüstig wird.

awwwww not in the mood to draft my paper topic...

the free rthyme and the enigma

it was all foggy in the morning

like, the wisdom teeth building is half way above the clouds

it felt extra chilly

- and they say it's just autumn

not winter until the twenty-first

but the night did us mercy

moonshine swept away the mist

and the galaxy proudly reveals

my handy says scattered clouds

and my heart goes scanty worrisome

scanty   sporadic   occasional

- i have no control of my heart and my mind

and i do not discipline myself, bearing no chastising

let it be let it be let it be let it be whisper words of SPONTANEOUS OVERFLOW OF POWERFUL FEELINGS let it be let it be

clear sky makes me miss hanging out outdoor back home

with endeared ones

the rare good sky should be put to no waste

and what are you love heads doing now?

is there a piece of me in you?

coach said i was being romantic - oh yea yes i knew oh i should have brought over your card hahahaha

tutor said nationalities can as well become an attitude a lifestyle

- the long lost romantic romans

- "A punch cartoon at the time of the Great Exhibition of 1851 depicts Rotten Row where the elite of Britain promenade. Among the fashionable English carriages are Lapps in a sled being pulled by a reindeer, an African in a top hat and monocle riding an ostrich, an Indian on an elephant and an Arab on a camel, Seventy-three years later, at the time of the British Empire exhibition, another Punch cartoon shows an English singer on stage surrounded by a Turk, an Oriental, an Indian, an African and three assorted Europeans of non-English nationality [...] During the Paris exposition of 1900, Charivari published a weekly exposition supplement which caricatured both people of differing ethnicity on show and foreign visitors. A set of eight cartoons shows a German drinking beer, an Italian eating macaroni, a Belgian flirting, Russians fraternizing, an American motorist running over a pedestrian, an English pickpocket, a Chinese having his pigtail pulled by a little boy, and a Parisian leaving Paris. Blacks are lampooned by showing them dressed in top hats, and putting on European airs" - Benedict, Burton. Rituals of Representation: Ethnic Stereotypes and Colonized People's at World's Fairs.

     - just bringing up the interesting and not-so-interesting stereotyping

- what should we make of our neighborhood?

It feels like no writing can ever be free of loopholes, or hasty or not or cursive or not understanding and interpretation - how could we ever write to accurately deliver or translate this fluid entangled convoluted complex idea - except going pollock crazy, i.e. a ball of messed up lint?

     - total refrain from writing tempts

     but is it unbearble to not be able to say it, even if just a part, a partial, fragmented, vulnerable part, susceptible to rude and apocalyptic deconstruction?

there's no completion, no wholesome, no reality and hence no misrepresentation

one representation encompassing another

how to be self-reflexive? does self-reflexiveness suffice?

conundrum

The Myth of the "Clash of Civilizations". Edward Said

又讓我不入世

讀著讀著感覺很奇妙
他們寫的　感覺很理所當然的
--- 但怎麼世界都做不到

感覺是不用讀應該也知道
--- 但這是錯覺吧

世界不公平
國家制度還是讓我很困擾
而且商品化的趨勢令人變質太多

人的本質究竟是甚麼其實也說不清

其實所有東西都很顯淺吧
象牙塔的複雜分析　有助解決一些甚麼嗎

為甚麼會錯

讀：the not-so-successful south-south cooperation

doha round failure so damn sad - what does it say about the nature of people - selfishness
neoliberalism, seriously?
commoditizing necessities, seriously?

what is about the growing pie noam ew. sigh.

is it too sick and beyond repair ?

encountering talent and generosity

yes i have to write things down so later in my life i can flip this open and revisit this dewy time

seriously oh oh mine (hahahahaha) im doing it right i feel like i went to my german class even though i was so hell packed and should be spending time on my readings but any way i went. guess it was the weather or because people are getting busy there are only eight students today

so

the teacher is Samira, a non German but has been in this country for over 10 years and teaches really well. Exceptionally clear in pronunciation (yay!)

students: so many musiciansssss

Nina the Ukrainian girl actually played the flute in class today and it was amazing, Samira mistaken (or joked?) the piece she played as a part from Harry Potter, and later she did play Harry Potter. They were talking that she could indeed play anything just by after hearing it !

Claire the Dutch girl (with some French background) and Ivan the Swedish boy are vocalists (isn't it verrueckt i never thought i would meet another vocalist ever in my life except that one high school friend hahahahah) and the girl even sang while the flute was played it was absolutely mind blowing her voice is so strong and thick. She speaks deep and low but can sing high very steadily omgomgomg !!

Another somewhere guy who plays bass, or is it electronic guitar? A spanish guy, sitting with the...Amenian guy?... Then a Jordan guy, Mohammad i think... then the gummi guy behind me aww he is so nice a daddy of three! ummm i needa catch their names better...

---
then the night before i had dinner with this second year taiwanese girl of my program. HOLY CRAP so knowledgeable, and sociable too so much better than me and she can be herself in front of people in a genuine and likable way so good...

then yesterday night jin made dinner for ivan and me ummm just why are people so sociable and generous here are people really nicer outside of hong kong? or have i demonized people from home? or is it the media that shielded me from seeing the good in people lol

what is it i dnt know if i qualify as a good person compared to these hospitable souls.

feined

YESTERDAY WAS FEINE :DDD

The day before i buried myself in inefficiency and readings and missed the party that i shouldn't have...
what stupid excuse it is to say that im not good with a lot of people
witful feedback from friends
'well you only have to talk to one one at a time'
: /

but what's missed is missed

SO
on Thur night tho i hadn't finished my goddamn double session readings i went to pre-drink and documentary screeninggg and there were awesome !
haha this german giant loves drinking too much i think he askes if someone wants a drink at least 3 times a day...and he really can drink LOL
so a couple of us went over to his very nice place - spacious and cozy
and there we met two housemates of his
(and i found out that giant speaks german, english, spanish FLUENTLY plus french...)

cause obviously that spanish ken friend of his speaks very limited german and english, but, he too is so so nice
raph is a hairdresser and offered to groom us hahahahahahahahaha he is so duk yee
it was so funny the clicking happened through eyes not words like we knew that we liked each other instantly found each other friendable hahahahaha it was amazing

but um, we had to leave the house for the documentary but hopefully my straightening friend of mine and i will go to the salon sometime soon!

so documentaries -
Vegas - http://vimeo.com/76527110
DNA Dreams - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUXPWUm0PmY

their awesomeness speaks for themselves.
- i like how dna dream projects the impression that chinese people are scary HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Q: what do you think about DNA engineering?

So I'm going for two others tomorrow :D and hopefully i will get all my 'food system' readings and the summary and the preso 'speech' done tomorrow...

scheduling:
target finishing schedule - class - no. of pages...
1102 - food system - 51 page
1103 - global history - 55 pages
1105 noon - international studies - 64 pages
1107 - actors and institutes - 79 pages (this is actually better than today's double session which had a dammit amount of 129 pages - just saying - i think my absence from the party is justified.)
Note: German class 6 to 8:30 on Mon, Tue and Thu - HELLO THERE...

FML - and im doing the reading summaries ROAR

depending how tired i'll be, mayb i should catch up on some 10 pages tonight after dinner...wish me luck!

bluff the magic dragon

bluff
ach!

more controlled in a classroom setting then had i discovered that it's mostly bluffing that people make
academia became dibs calling with fancy jargons for decoration's sake
relates not to real life
gar nicht

bypasses

---
on readings -

it's already hard to get hold of the brim of ideas, like
empiricism
Enlightenment

just, why does it say even
SCOTTISH empiricism
German Enlightenment

that's very much enough
why hadn't I been a historian :OOO

EPISTEMOLOGY!

---
And very thank you I've forgotten all about the Rape of Lock
now eye wide at my past adoration and eureka
what a waste, what a waste

Specifisch zu sein sollen.

not quite like honeymoon

not in the mood for reading
not in the mood for reading
not in the mood for reading at all

if there were less reading maybe i would like it better
not that im a lazy reader but the amount is really ugh too much

i dont know if its too much for a native speaker
but it is too much for me the non native speaker who has yet tuned in for study
i needed some more time for transition

and i need a good balance between studying on my own doing the much reading and
talking to people from which i can also learn a great deal
as if ive gotten over the social barrier
meh

i oughta be more critical shouldnt i, this trait carried by brainiacs
but how i am to when peers are banks of knowledge, reservoirs of new unheard-of perspectives
its exhausting

i probably dont have to look brainy but be modest and learn but hail
its dangerous to be modest and quiet

TIRED

first lecture on global history - the cosmic

the study of global history only came about in the first half of the 19th century

the common perception is that globalization started in the late 70s, so around the time of/ after the world wars, when the 'new world' emerged. while its true that the growth of FDI, migration blahblah had accelerated then, should we, however assume this so? what exactly is globalization?

ponder on: imperial evidence

and, what is interdisciplinary, and how is global studies 'inter-'disciplinary? some disciplines, now, have taken the assumption of national state for granted e.g. sociology - the study of society, but which; history, the study of history, often of particular domain

can it be considered a 'post-'disciplinary study, i.e. the new understanding of the organization of disciplines.

Globalization, the approach towards the global conditions (the global conditions the reality)

what spatial term is there? it is constructed, invented, named and referenced to by contemporary actors. ponder on deterritorialization and reterritorialization

cross-border entities create new identities e.g. transnational companies

the circular relation between flows and gloablization; the tension between control e.g. customs, and flows, from which manifests conflicts like black market and illegal immigration

ponder on the history of passports

arising of supranatural organization e.g. the EU, the African Union, which are new forms of control

protest: trade unions

methodology-wise, how are we to use statistics of national level to conduct quantitative analyses in the global scale; how are we to leverage on area studies, which possibly deny or are reserved towards global studies? we are not to dissolve them...

Weiter des Lichtfests und Unterricht des Bibliotheks

there was this Lichtfest just now at Augustplatz, for the commemoration of the Vereinigung.

probably somewhat the mayor spoke, and then a really good drama performance, aber auf Deutsch.

Hardly understanding much I captured
- Prag Fruehling (erfolglos...aber spaeter gibt es Velvet Revolution); anecdote: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jan_Palach. mehr unter http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colour_revolution
- Warten auf Godot

also habe ich gesurft, dann erinnere ich mich daran...
- Tom Stoppard, who wrote Waiting for Godot. and so he also wrote Rock 'n Roll, and so he was born Czechoslovakia - and i dont remember a thing about this play except that i said i liked it - pathetic. dammit i read The Real Thing too but now i remember Nothing. QUATSCH (Ach: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van%C4%9Bk_plays)
- Harold Pinter, who wrote The Birthday Party...

egal...

The above led me to finding also...
- The Unbearable Lightness of Being - also! ich habe es lang gehoert aber ich weisse gar nicht, was das Schauspiel ueber ist. deshalb habe ich das online gefunden: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Unbearable_Lightness_of_Being - und es scheint zu GUT!!! (und hier ist der Moment, wenn ich erkenne, dass ich Kunst und Literatur sehr viel besser als Geschichte und Sociologie mag orz - Eureka!)

Mehr zu lesen:
- Der erste President von Czech war ein Dramatiker (!): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/V%C3%A1clav_Havel

Und frueher des Tags learnte ich auch ueber Kopernikus. Der Instuktor der Bibliothek moechte wir das Nationalitaet von Kopernikus finden. Das Polnische Maedchen sagte sofort, dass er Polnisch war. Schliesslich haben wir aber gefunden, dass beiden Deutschland und Polen Kopernikus immer wollten. Aber Kopernikus und ihnen Mitwelt kuemmernten sich gar nicht um Nationalitaet.
- Nationalitaet ist eine sehr moderne Idee
- Im Zeitablauf hat die Grenze des Polens sehr anders geaendert
- Kopernikus und andere Intellektualle schrieb im Latin...

! ka-ching!

first night talk at leipzig

8 Oktober 2013
first night talk with friends indeed people whom i only knew for less than a week
AMAZING
MIND BLOWN AWAY
extravaganza adjectives dont spell how in awe i am
but neither am i equipped with the knowledge to show but tell

what was covered, for the record
woman rights, business corporate and politics
woman man equality, the glass ceiling (is there this) and unfair feedback towards same behavior of creatures of opposite gender, say crying, cut-throat blah
US, UK, Germany politics, how the left right wings are converging, the not so hateful republicans and david cameron aligning more with democrates than republicans, further up and down the timeline bush and al gore and obama and clinton
how the constitution or the foundation was indeed meant to be only a scape of ideas rather than the rigid rock
big and small
how facebook and screens are addictive and taking away our time and (yes indeed)
meditation (will it work on me)

eye wide open

---
things for read:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benazir_Bhutto

ach i wanna know this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ludwig_Wittgenstein

Minus less than one

Doesnt feel like its time
Im gonna miss this bed so badly so badly so badly the girl next room and the dragon that gets fed on patience so badly
What will become of the chi gung lady who will receive her peaches and what will become of mr at peace will he remain at ease these beautiful little heads within four walls
Fishes whom I met and furnis on which I sat

But its indeed time and
Who said everything is just made and fixed and grows when thrusted upon

Things yet done are things I chose to miss doing
Never mind and its consequences of my actions I oughtta bear
What is necessity

Where to put my mind

touched and moved

that number four colleague of mine wrote me a farewell card jesus oh my god that extra mile people no longer bother going he made that extra effort to let me know his thoughts its gemstone its priceless ie its like people writing the leaver the ditcher the thank you note its been reversed if u know what im saying oh dear

true thoughts truely valued we missed a good long talk the unfulfilled intercourse we now can anticipate in timeless awe contemplate and beautify it in our tiny little brains fantasy

we are helpless romantics and so i replied him too took two hours last night writing him back pouring from my low vertex to let him know that he is too a rock star and im a fan stedfast hahhahahhah absolutely loved it pulled me into thinking if my pr life should last a little longer or maybe life of partnership coworksmanship with if this arena brews wise men in gold harlequim like him had i ended it too soon too abrupt oh dear i love my favourite colleague exes phew

its been constructive and positive and no regrets as i usually say about my past experieneces smirk in pride and prejudice

seriously all the bestest and i ll stay eager to know what you people will turn into ballons or kites soaring

...

another story caught up with a sonny of mine today back from germany oh my god jesus he got enriched much or had it started before he went there by his bigger world experience now hes back he had great stories to tell like back then i had so much for people to consider boasting and bragging although some big name was it oscar wilde taught me it aint no crime telling true stories and great minds enjoy widening stories so never mind lets show it off and expand one and other hard and violent anyway he told me about his courses on drawing room drama and his plan to look into melancholy in keats or first world war on keats or something he told me about wilfred owen these names i needa jot down so i can too look them up oh my gaga

and somehow this evening after love of life told my old bags probably yesterday about my silly fears and uncertainty or something my lady olf bag and me embarked on a rare convo on studying unpractical then onto topics of world systems nationalism and oddly love and cultures jeez she cant quite take intrasexual and interracial that tiny little heart of hers hahahha but its kinda cute to hear indeed very interesting

aw i had a sorta a something day its kinda satisfying naya

violent liberating sensory

(staccato)

don't think just

leap

without planning

embark

(airy and soft, crescendo)

inhale

hard and strong

(pause)

(wavy, circular and perpetual)

the grassy weedy scent

marijuana

(apex and loud)

get high shroomy

colory and magically

give up sanity and consciousness

swirling dizzy squirrely

(frown)

skip regularity

miss the beat

(glee)

go with the pulses

ride the crests

hit the waves

(violent)

a slap in the face

some punches on the bum

smash and hit and tear and break

everything frantic

50 fractures

(lieve)

hush

hush hush

stop fretting and be wide and free

for the record - i aint no motor biking fan

不過身邊的朋友都在使用那個似乎很方便的車輛

那就便了

歸家也快很多　不過

其實可以在家附近解決食慾的需要嗎?

我不是烈火戰車的那類人

也許在坐過之前有曾經覺得會很好玩

風馳電際的被太多人說成浪漫

噢對嗎我的wife也說過想學　而她是是的心目中style的代表

其實我真的真的最愛走路走路走路走路走路走路走路走路走路一直走下去

累了坐一下再走

不過　坐電單車可以逼使人腰板直一下下

而且　經驗還是有的比沒的好

我想不通

命懸一線的那種刺激的極端的呢？

哈　應該是plan不了反正

spontaneity rules

let it be whatever life brings me i undertake with glee

gosh im so awesome

其實我想在草地上滾

在山上大叫

抱一下粗大的樹幹

嗅一下撲鼻的花香

摸摸動物

擁抱一下人類

*我在公司寫最後, 還是第二最後, 的供稿...

crystal sound of thunder roaring

before midnight is a sad story
i knew it
i knew it before i watched it
i knew it right after i finished the first, before sunrise, that the couple is doomed
because only youth is good, and youth doesn't last

aging growing maturing becoming constrained
they have to attend to woes of the world that only keep adding piling up
external impossible setting

no way out
just utter clueless

bygone is romance
bygone is idealization

what's good of compromising and depreciation
depression

deterioration

rain cleanses i love the crystal sound of thunder roaring

Long distance love

I have this wife whom I do all small talk with. She is the big talk type of person too but sometimes people just talk low for the ease of it. Living inside the surface the minimal parts.

We were saying maybe after I go we will have less to talk cause we will be in two places two settings two worlds, and each of us will have our new groups of friends you know the people come and go and move on kinda view of life. People, helplessly, do drift, apart.

We are so like a couple we were talking like we are in the face of maintaining a long distance relationship HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA taking it so seriously I guess it just shows how much we care about us. i do see us being an item lol people who know us both know, even my other friends do too I keep bragging about my wife its amazing to get best friends post school :')

Phew

I love you wife

Forced

What be it that something a moment of thought makes you think you are not good enough for the good of the world you are not on par and you cant be just average and mediocre or even worse

Suicidal

But isn't the accepting the broader love and passionate about diversity enjoying of the versatility the most ideal that you can fit into a diversity of scenarios you are friends of philosophers and also the gang of the streeties the best

But how do we exchange with the outside how are adaptive not change of the utter self its immeasurable

Or is there some hard edged core within or

How different are people I wanna be deeply influenced by very different people its like im a dough they are bake moulds and or we are all muds too much mixing makes us all greyey dully earthy dust

What makes me if I dont social what becomes of me if I just intercourse with the nature and do signals twinkle if I only talk to myself or is it neuro neurotic

Where are some other people who talk like this and can put this in a real conversation so i'd know these ade not just mine but shared confusion convulsion of thoughts

Where are these people what are they doing everyone is an island of its own holy crap I get it now

The world in solo

Do people go crazy if they cant talk will I create my dialogue with myself if I get confined in a single space is so schzophrenia how is this an illness isnt it a cure to people issues

Even a monologue and a futile quest can go this far when do thoughts run out how will questions be addressed endless troubled mind of free spirit its never going away if you let it indulge and let the train of thoughts run on its circular rail

Day Minus 26

grand return
so incredibly excited about SCHOOL and im gonna blog more about what's been happening in my tiny little brain yeeeee-ha!

the viewership has been like a good electrocardiography, meaning
im very stable and healthy, no arrhythmia

so into grey's anatomy it's a great great drama
doctors
doctors are admirable
and it gets me knowing that dark people are good too
people who overthink are good too
makes me know that overthinking people are good too
encourages me to think more rather than less
we oughta let it wander as it feels like to

who is it actually
hahah good friend
don't let me know if feels good in the not knowing so i can concentrate on typing
and guess about the possibility of grandiose
some understanding identifying nodding nodding
this is the good good place to be

ta-da
i needa talk bit about my day
which
i called in sick and had quality time with my parents
its one of the few that i feel happy connecting with them
im eager to know more about what they think and how they feel and if they are happy and if they are healthy
it feels good to have them as my port, and feels great to get them think you are the one they can talk anything to
i asked them about what stuff they learnt new and i looked at what they receive from their other circles
we should expand each other and create infinity
yes infinity even with family
this is awesome

how to make happiness last
will we use up the quota
will we ever get bored with being happy
is there some other good state of mind than happy
i want a more diverse array of feelings and sentiments and
it cant be finite can it

70%

70%, im letting you go. you might be 70+20%, but the benchmark has been 10% behind fulfilment, even if old ones have been 30+80%.

i have been tired muede
und ich brauche Schlafen

los geht. viel Spass. und widersehen :)

fake dark friday

too much negative energy
and i thought about how to get rid of it
and i hoped theres someone who could be my blackhole that could suck everything in
and i thought its simply unrealistic to think there could be ever a blackhole person
people are sponges
they take but they reguritate when overfilled
they are like me like a human

and i dont know how much i wanted to say it scream it or
im too tired to going hysterical is tired but now bot being able to scream burns me from within its consuming me

too many moments of these feeling suffocated coupled with a heart attack i do think i could die from the fucking hysteria

undeserving hysteria i dnt know whats wrong with this world so darn sickening or is it me

some people are just really good at adjustig themselves seeing good in stuff so adaptive like they do have a shapr at all or their shape is adaptiveness

i dnt know if i wanna become them i dnt know what i wanna become ah i wanna b out of this world if there could be better state of existence i have no idea but ideals and fancy tha drag me further down

i wanna be empty n light n easy n blank

please take everything out of me or my heart could stop now

maybe its not the world its just the people but why is people having too big a role here why am i fucking one of this species why am i so preoccupied i can stop my heart now

i used to prefer skin flesh pain to headache i probably still do punch me hard

歌

heres one that remotely sketches
just because i wanted to use some tears to put myself to sleep just tonight

so beautifully
letting it flow with the air current
and freedom so too precious

我不難過

是我沒有陪在你身邊當你寂寞時候

讓我開始享受自由

我不懦弱

就讓它隨風

...
只欠最後的抱緊我 (!!!)

Which i will never allow ever again (!!!!!)
like it matters
the closure to close sure

haustion

patience leaves when she confirms that all is ending
and good so around the corner
liberation soon
she can't help but craving to jump off
to induce some little immediate change
just to peep the good she thinks maybe she can
she really can't but
left at the space of pitch nothingness
nothing rather than tormented by the present now
but tormented by boredom and nothingness

so impatient
too eager
she knows she could not have to submit to undeserved but does she
does she yet

too eager that it eats her up

Date: 1.5 months before

self justifying

there's this graceful balancing a rope trampler has to learn, even

so this has happened, done deal, what one can do is just to focus on the upcoming

you call it remedy or i know not, just things of the present you have to face

Date: 2 after; 1 before

venomous cheers

even if it's not, at times im in need of even a counterfeit, pseudo, transition
and you are the closest - what am i to do (innocent shrug)

and incredibly it seems even righter than the last legit and authentic - forgery outscoring the once authentic - what am i to do (innocent shrug shrug monkey covering face)

how am i to defend us - feeling tempted and feeble, conscious and cautious.

i so want i so want so want

hint and subtlety
what so ever
i shud stop caring lay my eyes on the brighter ahead
yet i am so occupied, haunted by the greed
it's not greed but something i deserve?
and i owe everything to fate
fated to dress in this disposition
my so positioned

as so arranged
things and people i see and i meet

beat it hard

'when life gives you lemon, make lemonade' hahahahhahaha alrighty
i have this whole hamper of summer berries.

less than three weeks.

has it all

i must have overused it in my first attempt, and i failed my second.
first, u were so blessed to had me at my fullest and innocence. lucky lucky you. and i remain utterly glad that it was you too :)

i think i won't stop missing it so, u better not ruin it for me when we meet, tomorrow. teehee !!

and my second, i must have been still drained and dehydrated that i made some silly wrong decisions and failed to give enough. faulty defect has it all swallowed but, i guess i had an interesting gustatory journey, did you too?

more time to reenergize myself to get myself ready for the next, hopefully the naturalistic and effortless experience, for life. serenity needs be realized.

and fills me up

When Harry Met Sally

When Harry Met Sally

like family
friends like family
and
their getting together can look like incest
it contaminates the bond
seriously

and working out is not guaranteed so
romance should not germinate from wonderful friendships
even if it can develop from fair friendships it shouldn't be from the best ones
because for these best ones already in possession
you have to imagine the skyscraper high probability the fermented version hardly outbeating the best friendship peaceful status already in place

and soup without spice is well satisfying
better appetizing too

but resting in comfiness of lower maintenance and demand
there is alert that the comfiness shouldn't blur off the sensibility
you have to control your barging in when
as family you know about your family better than whoever else
helping is fun, provoking is positive, but dominating guarding disgusts
everyone owns the good liberty to make their own choices
even the decision is prone to or even lead to suffering
which is experience and
experience should remain positively judged in however case when unhappened
just lay back, chill and witness some good fruit grow and be harvested
acquire the satisfaction

Genoss

gravedigger

i don't believe in white lies
the truth just has to come out
some moments some time

white lies underestimate and undermine people's ability to heal
and time heals
time heals so well

unless i have just a month to live
i can't be blind to ultimate truth
it can't be kept and buried unknown

um
maybe my ghost can't bear lies too

gravedigger

edible

have i ever been this tired before the age of 16
bygone is youth
juvenility and endless energy
lacking vitality
missing simple content

like i can sleep in the middle of thumbing this
like the elderly dozing off with a cutter in her hand when she was cutting open card boxes
thaaaat drained
like just shut down in a blink
incr

practicising sieving

as if i should care
stuff unfinished pushed to tomorrow
irresponsible someone
what words that drain through the sieve
eyes wide open saying
will get that done tomorrow
and now is hour twenty-one

impressed

droop, wither and dwindle
i would witness from afar

i don't care for this

lesson

meredith did a horrible thing
to the gentlest and nicest friend
shepherd offered the solution
painstaking but, right
the remedy
or the plaster
is as simple as making yourself face it and keep trying talking to the other
even if the other might not deserve your much effort
this is the one and only way to possibly turn it over

the other may quite never listen to you
or even
abuse it
make you even more hurt

not like you have to play victim but
there's really no victim when you are the one inducing your own victimization

this is really the only way to go
otherwise
you deserve losing it
and you will just lose it

***

this
i won't go
i don't want to lose
not ready not worth the risk
no no

and
im more happy now than then, really.

this i won't go
i will even challenge if there ever is a move
doesn't worth the risk

ta-da!

so so so privileged and lucky and honored

University of Leipzig and London School of Economics and Political Science

http://gesi.sozphil.uni-leipzig.de/ will be my new cusis go-back-to

owing thanks to my family, my three awesomest professors, and friends phewwww it's been nerve wrecking and brain juice sucking indeeeeed

who would believe

i think I'm gonna like them both, a lot a lot

and, with this, i have to make it big after i come out

Als erster...

萊比鍚簡介：
自 12 世紀起，萊比鍚就是多條重要貿易線路的交會線，現在則是德國東部僅次於柏林的工商大城
這裡有歌德曾經就讀過的萊比鍚大學
著名音樂家巴赫也在聖多馬教堂擔任 27 年的宮廷合唱團及唱詩班指揮，
嚴然是一座書香之城。
一個大型玻璃立方體的建築是萊比鍚的藝術教育博物館，據說裡面還藏有莫內的畫作
這裡的亮點是專門獻給本地出生的藝術家的展室
Tribute: http://stanley2007.blogspot.hk/2010/03/34leipzig.html

let's be infiniteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

***

Also beginne ich meine Vorbereitung...

Wohnung - halb-'check'!

Visa - ich habe das untersucht...zwei bis drei Monaten brachen...

Flugreise - jetzt ist ein bischen früh...

Dokument - ...ugh...

Who can certify the copy of (identification) document?
Answer:
The copy of identification document is deemed to be certified as a true copy if it is duly certified by:-
(i) a notary public practising in Hong Kong;
(ii) a solicitor practising in Hong Kong;
(iii) a certified public accountant (practising) within the meaning of section 2 of the Professional Accountants Ordinance (Chapter 50 of the Laws of Hong Kong);
(iv) an officer of the court in Hong Kong who is authorised by law to certify documents for any judicial or other legal purpose;
(v) a professional company secretary practising in Hong Kong; or
(vi) a consular officer of user's home country, in the case of a non-Hong Kong resident.

phew... bienenfleißig, aber glücklich!

Es ist ein lange und kurze Reiseeeeeeee.

reflect

isnt it stupid to deprive myself of enough sleep cause i believe in 'my job doesnt deserve me at my best'. what a dumbass. feeling energized at work doesnt just do my boss good, it does me good too. i can still be non-work me even at work, like i can shrink the work me and make work scene less work-like.

ah life.

at least its not as nerve wrecking and that unbearably dramatic like in those dramas i see - i thought i like extreme and hysteria but well i might not be able to afford to. tranquility.

doesnt come from bitching too. too friend too at ease making me spurt out words that even just spark. i gotta control my speech and refine my thoughts for my own wellbeing. okay. no more bad quality bitching. s been too much. um. i needa be a wallflower.

us tv classes

the way i presented it must have made me meredith grey. and christina said it right to the point - its pathetic.

and when i am sad i stop feeling sad and start to be awesome - this is what barney teaches me.

rolling with the punches oh yea
so so get steve and ashley like OH YEA

我想讀《鐘聲與雷鳴》

我想讀《鐘聲與雷鳴》，然後與同伴把地方都走一遍。活片刻七十年代，跳進也斯的皮囊
vicarious in his plain descriptive terms

伴得到的是一輩子的伴吧

像走那次的瘋人院晚上
像看那次的madness and civilization

what inspiration surrounds...! breatheeeee

machinery

like i throw myself into not thinking
or maybe i fling myself to non thinking with
constant motion
thoughtless and automated
winded and mechanic
reflex of the rubber band
pretty predictable

like i knew it coming
needs no preparation and no preemption ever worries anybody body parts automated
pre-programmed like
destined robotic

let's go to bed and sleep
put the machine to good rest

hey hey the way i was spun around wheels on feet my third wheel

ring ring the phone dizzying

***
and
at times i have to feel your existence
just to know you are well alive
and there
living being well
i mean
as tho
who can't live without another
no one like
me all too strong to be brittle
well trained by swirlies of the time

it's all landing we have to stop pretending
and i never pretend i just be
strong as i wished i have been
are we
don't speak

i know what you're saying like
i don't have the right
and i don't
so I'm so behaving myself
hush hush
don't tell and let it go ticking tocking

yes it's good enough
last time took 1.5 years, this like 2 months. i just have to stop missing the feeling contention and feigning optimism.

idealist for the deserving pursuits

賽後檢討

我跳得太急了 太快了
推得太盡了 太不顧一切了
太嚮往粉身碎骨了 或太樂觀以為會生還 (竟然!)

看不穿世界的定律 習慣的循環

太稚嫩了 不懂得享受慢的滋味 蘊釀的過程需時發酵 瞎了眼
不欣賞經營

天作之合呢 (?!)

前天與摯友讀論語(哈哈!) 學會了先後天平衡的重要 推倒了小時侯覺得所有都是走出來的的信念 也打破了長大後走了另一極端信奉自然的守則

呀 想不下去要休息了 抽不到身就靜止順流一下

有伴思伴想伴讀伴吵的還幸福 :)

過去的一了很好 (!)

rambunctious granny (argh lol)

ravishment amidst mellowness baffling unbearable naughtiness coying temperaments. imitation of undefeated spirits...
grave rambunctiousness awe nullifying nightmares yearlong...

art and sanity

i have this lineup of 10 best friends who helped me walk pass the valley. see through silly miseries.
grateful indeed :) those whom i talk to after 8, you are the one-ofs come let me huggggg

and today i attended this creative workshop, bean reaffirming us that being creative and being insane are just two sides of the same coin lol sob sob
it noted schizophrenic and bipolar to be exact...

say what... byron... beethoven... van gogh

the divine joke: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_bipolar_disorder#section_24

reminds me of madness and civilization

why are great people always sad and depressed and short lived ay. i dont really need a long life too but made me a good worthy one.

honorrr

they say you are venomous, can you believe!!?
thrilling indeed
exciting
almost intoxicating
with all the praises sang
just a bit
underarticulated
which should be valued
if not how
at all would you have become what you are
articulation is bad and unnatural
my contempt of cynicism
how cool hahahaha
and you outstand and establish your own band and
not care about the undeserved
you should be proud
you deserve one universe of your own
if you don't mind living out of others
or some suiting worlds await

living on one's own planet the little prince

pluck your own petal tend your own pot flower
with levelled mentality it can be grandiose too.
missed disconnected.

×××

they say you are a play, can you believe!!?
who's not over the top when they are in love!!?
that's when people are so delighted they forget about moderation
the boring moderation that should be despised
the dopamine and adrenaline rush
and we were in love weren't we
you lived just what i wished i could
the true to yourself and
yes i didn't want to make it
it should be the lock and key by nature and why the effort to make the wearing and breaking and iking the screeching the irritating
stooooooooopped
and there comes the extreme up and down and mild and balanced the whatever that's part of the package i purchased, like the ku ting tea
quite a thorough experience
go live it and if that one of your date is the one you really should place a second attempt
if you don't mind me taking the credit i'd be so proud to be a part to help you arrive at you realization.

×××

they fan
subtly
me to go after you
and i can't afford to lose us lol
and
nature has not and may not ever call
and im happily glaring from afar
just appreciative
reciprocal
contend at out dumbs at oops.

klein

quinn and huck have to find a family to watch. its as if their lives are so bits and pieces they need an external something to hold themselves in place, to observe to reassure themselves that life can be normal too, even not theirs but someone else's. some sad tranquilizer. is it effective? maybe i need something to watch too.

but just seriously, every door has their own story. every person lives their own drama. it might be less of a roller coaster but there has to be ups and downs too, and your mild ups can be my deafening crescendo. i might be a brittle bottle that doesn't fit to contain your eroding liquid.

and my succumbing to my insensibility might as well kill myself, and that's a clear no.

so

the awaited and needed good news knocked. phew.

and see? im talking to new people, people of the arts and creative. so, just stretch your experience, expand your life further, so so darn much uninvestigated area, yearning for my exploration.

and im reaching out let it vent when i needed to talk and, there are accepting ears, opposing tongues, voices that, if you are soft enough to listen to, be beneficial to you, not in a way that they are the one solution right offered laid out clear to you zero effort but they stimulate, so you are made to think and come up with alternatives, and there indeed are always route B, or at least like a temporal-factor contained route A

or you may just look at people around and play vicarious, to empty yourself and pour in some new somebody, whether you know them or not there can be a little or more proportion of theirs you find ah so different, and you wonder what their lives are, what their possibly bigger problems are, whether in the present or in the past, how big they are that they have ruled over those and become what they are.

klein.

just
why am i so romantic
and modernistic
at the same time.

splitting schizophrenia
craving hysteria

so sane coming clean

spreading it over to loving friends got me thinking -

am i being overdramatic and extreme
caught me laughing
at the stupifying maytyr sacrifice

how is this noble
nibbling

i don't understand where this is coming from, created from unlikely budding, for my experience
only the sole reason

probably not the us but me only
bent and crooked
fear of being dull and plain and bored and ordinary im putting on this hilarious and hideous skit
forcing pushing intensity

something made up to fill my skull
it's savoury and flavory
added to white flour
bitter snacking

undeserved of my intensity but this pleases myself? sick?

wildness going fine and safe
i did the scripting

but self fulfilling prophecy? if i keep talking myself into being ill i'll sleep on sickbed?

sickens calmness and mildness and
wannabe out of the rational

noam

thank you :)

click,

you like my song
- reading my inner and backing me up

you embrace my sadness
- in soothing silence

you put a smile on my face
- with your easy humor

aint no story teller
you are the caring companion

:)

much love.

P!nk - Just Give Me A Reason ft. Nate Ruess

willing victim

head running wild

everything

in a mind

two day and it felt like two years.

how i hope it has been two years so the spasm might have been over. never mind oh never mind my ration is letting it wilt and it knows the monster's wilting does me all good and does us both healthy. some sustainability from killing intrinsic incompatibility- this is how I'm ruling it. court ruling and it's official.

I'm usually as intense and not give a damn about worldly views, silly bars and mandate perspectives, really mandate and good killing sights and mindsets but here I'm, well killed and covered in blood here lying on the ground breathless. lifeless. This me you saw doesn't live any more. like that part of innocence passed away at my age of 19, however hard I tried to retrieve and retain the kid in me all effort futile.

and this is how everyone grows boring. adulthood.

does it feel better to mingle with adults, or does crying on my own help.

mar 25 night. bold. leap

i dnt even know whos telling me i cant do this and that and who sets those fucking boundaries. probably me and my nuts only

why would i care why do i have to care what what am i caring

but these invisible fences

barring and insensibly barring me from free thoughts and freeing myself from caring about nothing

and no one hears and no one cares or i cant tell those i love cause i dnt want them worry and theres nothing to fall back on

and what do i want to fall back on. what do i have to fall on and where am i falling from just

stupid.

am i the one to judge and do i qualify to why are you doing it wrong doing me wrong or are you doing it right or everyone just being egocentric and selfish

do we do what we want only and if so maybe that's how this order came about the society being out of tune and everyone behaves out of tune and super chaotic.

do we even make a song

hum it free and voiceless

us. this weather

Dec 28

When i like it being wrong, never mind and let it be. Even if its gonna hurt - i have as well the tolerance to bear that so - remain susceptible.

Though I wish it wasn't wrong.

Any way to evade the pain and the risk and - make everything straight plain right and everyone happy?

Was it me who choose this path? At least I'm the one to choose not to build myself a safety net to prone myself to injury. Call it fate stubbornness - bad I see in correct light.

Who can I talk to and who said would lay out all tiny problems in the first place, did woe?

Frank and directness. Uncrooked. Just stab me Rodin tragic hero.

You cant even bother to spend one second now when you used to took thirty minutes come all the way. You don't even have to lift an arm just twitch your thumb. Misfit temporal setting, again?

Maybe its not even about the person but just my stubbornness - who would appreciate.

Good morning heroine! Good morning methadone!

Drug me!
Put me to sleep!
Paint me camouflage!
Not sleep but coma, or make me hibernate!
Don't just drug me, poison me!
Addiction not enough, I needa develop helpless dependence!
Exhaustion not extreme, but complete paralysis!
Oh everything to its impossible state and level and extent of out of control and over the top!
That much of a drama! That much of an opera!
Poetry the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings - this is epic poetry - legendary and historic!
Beyond words and beyond expression!

Ketamine easy and handy -
And all falls back to quietness after hurricane alley
Walk choke choke and walk cough cough.
I walk
I walk
Endless
Dear infinity

Best friend him

Stand my way of hyperactive walking
Positively respond to my call for theatrical acting in the public
Take pictures with me instead of for me
Sit in the park bench with me and do nothing
Go picnic on the lawn and eat vegetarian with me
Yell and swear in English with me
Open to knowing my interests and eager to share his
Try telling stories even though he said he sucks at story telling
Tell me I deserve academic and despise business with me
Do secret hang outs with me
Realize his dream and be my model show me how that could be accessible
So far pretty impeccable
If the best is not about the friendship, it's pretty much about this character

What is your dark side indeed?

I am afraid of over-overwhelming you with my black power, so I am keeping this from ye.

Parting awesome scary strength

'I cud b this some lot of hysteria nagging buggy
Never mind if there aint no word flowing coz
i need only feel your breath and existence and know u well
But if
And if
U might b better Off wifout the bee buzzing near yr coil
I cud as well b of some decent polite distance
At yr courtesy

That much insecure but that much to give that much way and weight

You dnt know

Just the way we shud b
And b and b at ease and stay true
How diff that can b indeed'

Text i was typing before u call back fr yr fam

I guess u ve educated me so well that i knew it was coming anyway - it hadnt been anything tragic at all
Im so hilariously calm it literally makes me wrink

Just that i cant pull off to sleep yet so im doin this usually mindcording

Stay tuned to a humanitarian well built.

Sad word kind decision indeed - thank you for the glide.

Doing it like a dude aha aha

Go leap bird let's part awesome wohoo pride parted friends muah

Lux

Awwwww
Yet another worthy friend of mine told me i deserve a more suiting job than the biz world
Because theres this spirit in me
And that biz is for the lamer
Hah
Inch

Not the lamer but the less
Humanitarianly lit
Perhaps
Or
Counter saying
The more biz and practicality oriented folks
Not me

Why does the mere idea of monetization ever come into being
I wish i dnt depend on that for a living So i cud b after anything i feel like being

Crazy enuf art
Specifically language, canvas and theater
Salivating noam
Spicing with some thinking and talking and debating
Yummmmm

I shud really do those i guess
So i wont look back and regret not even trying

Ah

Spare me the luxury!!!

I just need to do some awful walking on my own. Lonesome and tiredness console, talking me into believing im at my finest when im allein.

Free air in scarcity. Potential of emptiness.

Hey try listen to the wind. And the nature speaks to your heart. The shiver it gives is you wetting your rims when some embraces.

Shatter the braces.

...
This closet needs more crystals and less sand.

Ter course

Is there a song for everything
Even every word and
Every meaning
However subtle?

You would make me so wanna fall
Into the trap you are unconsciously setting up
Arent you aware

And i shall withhold
And i shall withhold
Behold.

And people of our world are so out of our league
Do i belong to yours
Or do we share the uncommon ground
At all?

I need some intensity to thrust our selves out
So we could sit across and
Do some sound talking

I mean
How can people not like study at all
Arent they insane
And not deserve existence?

Ha

Ingest
Feel And sense
Think
Digest and transform

Gasm pleasure

兩日的troubled後. stanceless for your good.

怎樣也寫不清楚 我們都說不明白
也不要緊
即使說明白了 估計也定不了案
可以稍後解決的問題 只要它未大影響到生活的各面 今天先不處理 也就情有可原

Enthusiast living withdrawn

反正問題漲大到擋住了視線
反正我們都忽略得宜
反正都尚未有什麼出現撥動 迫著我們作出選擇
共識的禁地 門依舊半掩

我曾想激動的破門討個答案
折騰了月多
後來習慣了
日月的磨蹭把我的土堅持褪色
我想
可能心臟負荷不到
可能腦袋確定了要拒絕處理
隨它造化吧
你的呢?

感謝你終於提出了 在我決定變成鴕鳥後
你會思考多久呢
想多久才足夠呢
想多久才公平呢
決策過程我是甚麼角色呢
我可以反對或支持嗎
你會說服我嗎
你會跟我說嗎
選擇會有對錯嗎
可以是我倆一起下決定嗎
我有心力參與得到嗎

我希望不要放棄
因為放棄談不上是辦法吧
但那是最輕易的
選擇
做紙和考試
考試懂了就懂了 三小時一了百了
誰願與我花心思鑽研維修的題目 一生都想不清楚的scribbling streams of thoughts and fluctuating mentalities
ups and downs of eternity
我很怕造紙的念頭就嚇走了你

老早就是我不顧一切
沒思前想後沒頭沒腦
自找地
跳下去
謝謝你勇敢配合讓我衝了下去
四個月的快感
被十二小時消化後
剩下有多少營養 滋養到點點生命嗎

也不只時間
基礎不好嗎
現在開始下cement可以嗎
有遲了早了之虞嗎
我們怎麼知道哪種minerals 最堅實最搖晃
不是組合和運用的問題而已嗎
我想要是我們堅持得到我們可以overcome這甚麼甚麼的
Arent you infinite

Arent we infinite

原本讓人期待的主動的something
現出對侍的樣子
死空氣
如我們並肩坐著聊我應該已經伏下哭

頭很痛
對話拖拉引至幾近崩潰
然後轉入胡同 盡頭是迷朦的軟毯
躺下半休息半滾動
空氣洋溢濕潤
這死胡同

我未捨得
但如要是你覺得應該的那是比較好的
就當我仍活在迷糊讓我表現受害
我會活過來

還是值得
為著我們曾在默契的時空同時心動而感動
多難得

太難得

可以解決的話 太美好 太感動
將過去的話 好吧 我想你的解脫讓你更快樂 我愛你有夠深的 for me to wish you the bestest, realized by me or otherwise

我要學懂live with it

love,
me the saint

Ikk this might last for just tonight ikkk...really...

I could just die

In a sleep
Merci.

累呀

為何總燈蛾撲火
也想也不想一下那光芒是刺熱

亮麗的艷色的奪目的
不過是玻璃與燈芯
能量供給的是十萬八千里外的甚麼
目標錯了
希冀的對象莫名奇妙
如果燈也懂說: 我不值得

其實是知曉
了解源頭太遠追索無望也就甘於淺信於眼前的
就隨心的
把生命隨便花光
追逐似有還無的
虛構點分配一下重要性

其實也不知道甚麼會值得
自己也值幾何?

然後
誰會評對錯等級
客觀成績缺漏
在乎一下
唏噓一番