Prague softened my heart

introspection elucidates - 就謹記有多愛

how much i love?
THIS MUCH i love:

"[...] im still more happy than not going through this. i think i want * badly enough so am even getting a bit masochist going through all this pain in the course of getting * lol if this makes any sense" (convo with Lou, Nov 18, 2015)

i guess it does (LOL)

不輕易忘記．不輕言放棄．共勉之．

same same realization when i put the top sheet together. it's nice - unexpectedly nice and emancipatory almost. his EMANCIPATORY and my INSPIRATIONAL

afterall, there is this something that's crystal clear
- are there more crystals to dig and rub?

zufrieden :)

religions as politics as economics

不明所以 - 這一次的感受最強烈
當然興幸自己不是漠不關心 - 是最起碼的要求吧

雖自命為自由主義者（因此支持表達自由、宗教自由等)
但茅盾地，我有無神論的取向
加上對各宗教（特別是伊斯蘭十教）的知識貧乏，感覺未能充分理解ISIS以至更多方面對恐怖襲擊的非主流看法，未能理順事件的來龍去脈
我只好在不住追看更新消息（彷彿在等一個不會出現的、公布恐怖主義已死的announcement），又努力讀一下各方的分析和advocacy
- 依然不敢為自己定下立場，很戰兢：我知恐怖主義很恐怖啊，但我想知不同組織不同分支的由來，with nuance

看了整天眼都矇了- 但除了這樣，我還能做甚麼？
乏力感 overbearing

由於早前買了票所以晚上進場看了關於明朝綿衣衛的《繍春刀》
先不說其為女死為女亡（令我反了多次白眼）的情節（雖然導演以至部分評家認為電影走寫實路線，但為女死為女亡不就是有點不夠寫實或偏激嗎？）
觀後再搜尋了解一下綿衣衛是甚麼
噢原來是 stasi + csi + g4 + 地下組織，不過加上 imperial
- 很有趣，但更殘暴

以往（以至到今時今日）的黨派之爭（劇中觸及明朝實存的魏忠賢閹黨）究竟有無意識型態的backing?
如果其實係economically-driven，是否類近 clash of clans？咁咁極度money-driven？

那穆斯林的經濟歷史為何？"Fundamentalist"的呢？ISIS的呢？
網上應該資料多到瀉吧...讓我搜一下...

世界亂得很

I amuse therefore I am: had i not the plate i have, i would

do a crash course of the dash above the e and the silent h - how many times have i said i would now
- and probably give up after two days - ha!
well isn't it more fun to be in the cinematique and write some shit than to be confused by the spelling of words and to prank my glottis
instruments not buccal but at the Salmons
- so is the jubilance in the cozy chambers

i guess the galloping images (cinnamon and vanilla hola!) with ambiguous endings and lots of nudity could keep me hooked
why not a heavy dose of those with bilingual subtitles
i will just memorize a phrase or two to impress Avaro and Goatee
and Lou would give me the same old line from Lady Marmalade (LOL)
- random fun fact: Avar-icious means excessively greedy - my new GRE diction

Be greedy and gluttonous, for bizarre, splendid experiences
// Stay hungry, stay foolish

muddy cloudy mind, of an ostrich

is it wrong to feel bad when you are supposed to feel good
is it a paradox

is it strange to not know what to feel when you are supposed to feel good
is it judgemental

does mourning the weird moment help with processing handling dealing with
oddness and sense of loss
 from my own imagination in the subconsciousness
 or just subconsciousness, or outright blunt and harsh consciousness, without imagining

my breath gets heavy and my chest feels the thumps
 i guess it's really unnecessary

im a bit disgusted by this and maybe my reaction worse.

gotta stay clear of the yellow line, on board or at bay

it was exactly a year ago - is mid October bound to be a period of turmoil?

anyway, im in way more control, now than before.

it still disturbed me a bit, but just a bit - it shows that im human

see, now you don't get a long message, I can talk to my own journal and

the bearings can be laid down on the floor in my atrium and ventricle.

be untouched as you will

it seems like i'm more mature in this

i am not even surprised

- or maybe it's just i have become more used to this now - so comparing myself with myself and not you

whatever, i don't want to be bothered and, maybe already - i can't be bothered

im leaving the imaginary dock to embrace the rough sea

you can hip hip hooray on the emancipatory island or hop on to join me

it's up to you, completely your decision to make

i can't be bother to persuade you and i think it's only right that each individual makes each individual's choices

i have learnt to enjoy the cyclones and dizziness and stay sober, by myself in company

it's okay

- just

mix signals are understood as red lights - for safety reasons, you know?

Teleman - Cristina

//How do you cry with inanimate eyes? You're never gonna smile with the way that you're wired//

the myth of neutrality

dad asked where in taiwan my friend who's visiting us comes from

then based on her origin he suggested her political leaning, which i agree. and then i said i'm as well more for the same political party than the other. he responded by saying that he's neutral

NEUTRAL
NEUTRALITY

i consider neutrality a myth
'Neutrality is a euphemism for privileged truth. Feminists like Haraway have been pointing at this issue since the ‘80s.' (Eyestone 2015 - I haven't even read the whole piece)

neutrality is a stance, a positioning in itself

by opting 'neutrallity', left or right, for or against, or the likes, are rejected

and 'rejection' is a stance

it's bold to be assertive

it takes courage to take sides

that's why 'neutrality' seems like the wiser, safer bet

- but to a certain degree it's cowardice

it's a disclaimer, almost irresponsibleness in disguise

nothing is irrelevant

the thing is - 

taking sides doesn't mean that you are forever grounded to that side

while taking sides takes courage, changing sides manifests even more encourage

it means that even after having made a decision, you don't stop evaluating. introspection is constant and your brain doesn't stop moving. you are critical towards yourself and your side, as well as the issue of discussion and the external environment

being unassertive is understandable. sometimes, it may be the result of prolonged calculation of the convoluted matter the complicated reality by someone who is particularly careful, who strives to avoid rash decisions

but after you've indeed took some time to map things out, to untangle your strands of thoughts (like it's possible), why is it wrong to take sides per your thought-through analysis?

true that it's never ever 'through', but as long as you keep going back to it and remain open and curious to new perspectives and ready to be convinced when you hear sensible persuasion the next second, what's wrong with taking the leap that brings you to a next level where new views await?

surely neither of the parties, and similarly most of the time neither of a particular side is absolutely right (or wrong), but not taking sides doesn't put him on moral high ground.

***
skimmed through the piece i referenced -
it's less about taking sides but, as i've understood it, more about the infeasibility of self-claimed 'neutrality', or 'objectivity' within subjectivity
when you are not cosmo and external to your mind and body, what's the talk about objectivity?
reflexivity substitutes i guess?

the letter

dad announces that i got mail
and i knew that it's you

you said it's not good
i say it can't be better

words fall short of thoughts and emotions
but meaning delivers itself beyond words on papers

it reads like a love letter
and it reads like a breakup letter

i had to re-read it
and my tears rolled down my cheeks when i was reading it
and i had to wipe my face before my parents noticed
mum: who was it. isn't it interesting that they wrote letters in today's world.

my last blog entry was like what you said about putting memories in good boxes
i hope that they are not stalled away in the attic and get dusty,
but sealed for reminisces and later refreshing
purity be kept. so are sweetness and other tastes of complexity. good complexity

yours a lot me
and mine a lot you too
and when i was reading this last line i was trying to remember where i said the exact same thing already - and i thought it was to you but at least it was also to myself
reciprocity
some confession about you, and to you and for you
we synchroniz(ed)
our hearts pound(ed) at the same pace and our minds think the same in this

we said no regrets
i guess a regret - i have - is that we make pity
- isn't it a pity that we were not 'meant to be' - why weren't we 'meant to be' and what does it even mean
are you a determinist - just me challenging you as i have always been,
realist, sometimes an idealist
i would ask so so many whys had i been me some years ago
i maybe tired now. maybe i'm a fatalist and am passive

i don't know what tense to use
present perfect or past or present. subjunctive?
you know in the Chinese language, Cantonese or Mandarin (bepuzzled you!), tense is not 'a thing'?
- aha this makes me miss mimicking you
this makes me miss you, and us including me in front of you
i have even lost that persona of me now

i wonder if i'm in denial
and i wonder if i'm making things up
i fear that one day i will live in this past all by myself
or maybe it's living in the imagination by myself, misbelieving that it was real
- lack of security arises from lack of certainty about

things impossible to articulate and emotions impossible to express
language is failing us
misleading language, unreliable memory, perplexing emotions

we share a lot of things, good old memories
i wish we have packed the boxes together, and that we guard them together - like it's possible to share the tidying in the brain/mind/heart faculty...

how to live with this invaluable past?

dear contemplative

oh we forgot about the locker key! and i forgot to pay the price! phew.
thank you for the locker, and the guitar, and the love and everything
i already miss you, i thought i would not.
i dont know why i thought i wouldn't. i guess i just never quite thought about it, or ending in general
- but i really really miss you at this moment when you are still here
- and i had to write this before the memory gets further diluted

i will miss you, and
you teaching me le livre
us sharing bread and cheese and hummus and broccoli and mushrooms
and fruit bowls and all the food and hugs and laughs and massages
peeling mushrooms and eating the broccoli stem
parties in our rooms and cookings in the kitchen with the family
and there were so many times you were the only one i wanted to spend time with
some nights at the three tuns and at roebuck and shakespeare's head and the wellington
countless full pints and half pints of ales
many days at lincoln's inns fields and hare krishna and some days on the 6/F and many more in the library
dance classes, from tango to others, dancing on boats and in pubs even when i was reluctant, on streets
badminton when you were winning and when you were not and some moments of basketball and boxing
pingpong and pool and talking on the sofa in the common room
many walking homes and walking at night to near london bridge and to everywhere noticing collapsed people and fancy cars
stansted express and flying and bus from frankfurt and making warmth
dancing and singing on the streets and kissing on beautiful streets
biking and distracting the dog and me breaking my tire and you being patient
saying bye when i boarded the bus and for a few days that felt like forever
talking after you parked the bike in the cold and me couldn't go

you inviting you and me to eva's

the day trip in london

my feet in your big socks when we were camping and we were hiking in brean and playing cards

the gorges with the family

sushi making and the reason to and many picnicking

wine tasting

walking from school to leicester square to piccadily to chinatown

using a full day to bid farewell and the last moments

countless

and seeing each other was a daily thing and now no longer

i had wished that it would never end

my mourning through writing, because it's usually in solitude and writing gives me the illusion that there's somebody listening, my imaginary diary/ blog listener or some actual readers.
but this evening was nice even though sad, crying for real that the forehead felt squeezed is somehow liberating. crying together maybe therapeutic. proper, but temporary, closure. yes temporary.

thank you for the company since the first week to my last. my london is a lot yours.

How is the dystopian unrealistic?

The reality is vast and messy. To make sense of it, people start from the bits immediate to them and gradually extend outwards to grapple more and more in their conceptualization of (the reality of) the world. As the amount of information increases, categories are made and disciplines are created to aid organization. Such conceptualization (or the understanding) of (parts of) the reality in a categorical manner, however, unavoidably rips (or fragments) the whole of the reality in conceptualization. Soon enough further the practice of specialization, only (fragments of) particular elements that deemed to be of the closest relevance to the selected constructed particular disciplines (or specizaliations) are usually considered. That is to say that disciplinarity makes the complex reality more easily understandable (or graspable), but at the same time presents only a partial and likely reductionist view of the reality should one only focus on particular disciplines i.e. giving less regard to other disciplines.

But what is reality? I believe that there is no objective reality but everyone has a subjective reality of their own. In other words, each individual's conceptualization constitutes the external (collective) yet still subjective reality.

And opinions can be shaped by the powerful. The subjective manipulated by the external. In the extreme case of 1984 for example, the reality is indeed that of the big brother delivered through the telescreen. 

July 9 2015 - struggling so much with my dissertation you can't believe

new ends, old beginnings

at then i was looking at this album that i probably haven't touched since 2012
or was it 2011

so there was this one person who looked really happy under my camera
and i looked happy under the camera of this person's too

and then something happened
and the person just disappeared in my life
i made the person disappeared, and that person made the person disappeared too
and that person was once so important

it's a shame

how many episodes does one life contain
that chapter seems to be a completely completed one
as if the character had died so that nothing else would grow out of it
nothing lingers and there was barely any transition to any of the subsequent ones
it just halted
as abruptly as it could be

scarily this
is another
and this seems to be near its end too

how many more short stories are there in my novel

new ends, old beginnings

Slavoj Žižek (2015) "The Need To Censor Our Dreams"

pulled, torn and -pressed

i believe people have the right to choose what they want to believe in
but i find faith in the unprovable a ridiculous idea - and this is what i choose to believe in
- so am i a hypocrite

i believe in the freedom of speech, of expression and of press
but i find insults, like against particular culture, religion, race, or sex horrendous
- so am i a hypocrite
well
is abuse of such freedom a thing?
is protest against the abuse of such freedom a form of abuse per se? what is behind it if any?
charlie, amos, wutwingyin. three cases of je suis - do i have a different take on them and does it depend on their respective opinions?

is it a performativity thing in the way that actions count, meaning
- somebody who claims to kill is alright
- but somebody who actually attempts to kill should face jury?
- what about performative speech acts?
does it depend on the intention and/or the extent such harmful intention be materialized? or the potential the intention be materialized (through speech?), or the speech act be performative?
who can say anything about intention and potentiality
and when there is likely to be discrepancies between the 'materialization' and the intention (if intention would remain pure (which is unlikely), how should the ruler be made?

i think it's an example but my head is messed so am not sure -
- does a muslim woman get to choose whether to wear a hijab or not?
- what does it make a state to decide it should be worn or forbidden?
- does a niqab make any difference?

or does the actor matter
- meaning a 3 year-old and a 30 year-old are measured differently. what about 18 or 21 year-olds?
- or in terms of political power? a politician and a student should be measured differently.
- what is behind political power? what is behind politics, money?

haha i doubt i can ever figure out and per whatever temporary conclusion i derive how to posit myself

Ode to the easy peeler

what art thou, easypeeler

the peeler knife or the cabbage
the potato or the mushroom
(who peels mushrooms anyways
except for some)
however tempted people people brush them
without a brush i wash them
- i don't have the peeler knife to
nor the brush to
brush to peel

is banana the easypeeler?
so easy to peel that it's probably just a peeler
avocado is a tricky case
hard to peel when it's raw
but it peels itself when it's ripen!
there's this cousin of mine who peels even grapes
i have almost stopped washing them
peel to wash, painfully washed off of their skins

but these are not the cases i feel compelled to make
the problem here concerns the human lexicon
instead of whichever citrus it is now this orangey fruit is named easy peeler
which really gets on my nerves
objectified to be consumed by humans
situated in an anthrocentric universe adorned in an anthrocentric language

and it doesn't have to be!
it's not meant to be peeled and consumed by humans!
like the humans it's just a part of the nature in which nutrients and substances go in cycles!

when orangey fruit becomes an easypeeler
wood becomes a handyplanker
pig becomes easychopper
father, motherfucker

there's life in it

匆匆那年

this song is so near perfect on multiple levels!



i thought faye wong lost it :')

and the lyrics is so so fucking out of the world



the observation, the sensitivity, the precision, the expressiveness



lyricist the ultimate language master

bones in the albumin

only if we were around each other
let's conduct this experiment that
you would broadcast every single thought that you have

don't
be upset please
if i don't look like i care or am interested
99.9% of the time this means that i don't understand

unless you finally realize my stupidity
the insecurity

- do you actually think a lot, i guess you do?
and of more important things i suppose?
or are you rather like me - most of the time having a lazy mind that's quite
blank or patchy?

is that a smirk
when sometimes i talk to myself when i talk to you
these are the moments i broadcast
words that are not meant to be heard by someone else but
myself - for regurgitation and
or non-reasons
or is that shyness
or dissatisfaction
or disappointment

you know in 1Q84 or those dystopian stories education is done through repetition so
repeat what i ought to know so i may know
eventually meant to be lost a while later but well who knows

strange flashbacks i have of the least important, still savory
deja vu and badly wiring of the brain

quite so jumpy in terms of thoughts
hop with me or steady me, dear patience

what are you thinking
what are you thinking what are you thinking

madness as a prophecy

talks so much, so incredibly much
expressive, eloquent, theatrical
i thought i didn't like it at first
i thought i like it at last

she's substantial, and seeing she argues
i see a part of me in her
i wonder if she, too, argues for the sake of it
that the countering doesn't mean much

for me i just almost instinctively counter-argues most of the time
before my thought condenses and own opinion forms
i dont know if i believe in what i say
but by suggesting the otherwise i induce deeper digging
spiral it down
i don't expect an instant agreeing with me of the feeble-minded
rather i wanted to be convinced and brought to something new

but it's too much sound
and too much of herself
does too much introspection mean lacking in outward looking?
she said she observed
maybe only things that interest her
but who not!
it could be that she's good if i interest her and she's not if i don't
who's full of themselves now

i envy her
her introspection
the depth of her thoughts
her persuasiveness and the assertiveness

i envy her not
the assertiveness and the persuasiveness
so much self
and the labor of so much thinking too deep
- i thought i was a case near lost, she's more

the velocity of words coming out of her mouth
and the amount, coming without a pause
it hurts my ears my brain and my concentration
a steed
or not

the overthinker

i don't dramatize anything, and i don't overthink - she does (look to the right!)

this little dame-chen residing in my lawless state of oblongata, like zomia
who dials my nerves and sends vertical signals through my body
prickling, ticklish and wiry
it deranges me and sometimes, can you believe
she rides me bumpily to ecstasy

like mermaid, lorelei, devilish elf she is!

should you like to go on this ride of ecstasia,
let our tendrils intertwine with gentle undulations
hark the electrification behold the - kaboom!

we make ripples of lights and circles of lives
hear howling with might and screaming and cries!
crescendos of the murmuring and jive
insisting and wondering why

Credits: http://www.puckermob.com/lifestyle/14-things-only-overthinkers-will-understand

food

this german friend of mine is obsessed over only letting tea leaves stay in the water the instructed amount of time
this english friend of mine, i think, throws away tea bags a bit too early and totally puts too much milk in it
i think the slavic twins friends of mine even wanna measure the temperature of the water before putting the tea in

- think about how we keep reusing the tea in the pot when we go yum-cha in hong kong
well, german said the tea might get bitter if it stayed too long
i said, the bitterness could as well be what it's meant for - or not

but any way i don't understand the idea of fixed recipes

this korean friend of mine asked if i missed home food
i said i cook maybe the asian way with 'western' ingredients
the fact is
i love cheese and yogurt
smoked salmon and rocket salad
what is home food anyway

chinese food is a stupid notion
to me it only refers to chinese take-away you get outside of Asia
greasy and shiny
Gebranntnudeln it could be in the whole of Germany

they are interested in the exotic i guess
and to them mangoes and lychees are fine delights from the east
my bolivian friend has never seen a dragonfruit, a shame that i haven't had time to show her
but i treated ms belarusian
- and durian? probably a very spiky myth

oh and tofu! at least in Germany they have predominantly fried tofu
it's the silk and smooth one that i long

and i've learnt that broccoli and spinach can be eaten raw
and i am developing caffeine dependence
at the same time appreciating the wonder of comforting tea - but with the leaves staying in however they want

what food do i desire?

About grandma and me

did she think i was her?
could it be samsara but instead of one life after another, there are packages of 1.2 lives, meaning that
my grandmother is one and i am the 0.2
so our lives get to cross
and when she becomes zero, i have more and
possibly at least some 0.2 owned by others

the passing forward of something
a lineage

i am not sure who else in the family has it
maybe it could be more than 1.2
is it about the scale of influence
and
how much, breadth and depth, do we want to influence
how much are we aware of the influence
how much is influence at all possible
in.flu.ence

but a full one is saved for granny

i wonder if everyone usually considers themselves the minor share in the combination
because we are groomed
and we imitate
maybe when we are fuller, fuller of ourselves, then we think otherwise.

is life cyclical
even recyclable?
or seasonal?

To Antoine

Passion is a seedy fruit.

In a split second, yet another idea comes up

- they always do, but decisions are never made

Any result would be unappreciated

- as aspirations grow, but expectations haunt

Plums and more plums accumulated

- shan’t we blend them with the passion fruits? The juice could be a treat,

contingent to our gluttony

If the dew is never consumed, wouldn’t it be

more waste and

never-fulfilled promises

It is overdue but now let’s

make an elixir  

with lemon and honey

philosophy is mood swing

everything taskified
but it doesn't have to be

horrendous it is when
living becomes a task
that somethings has to be achieved for it to be fulfilled
benchmark and grade scale

because each person only live each person's respective life
all these respective parameters come into being
i measure you against mine; you measure me against yours
or most of the time we don't care, which should be better than caring
but even if the heart doesn't care, just to understand takes some norms and selfs
that is, the brain needs it
is it not a lie to say that it doesn't?

and everything in life is a task
loving is a task?
studying certainly is, often frame so, making is barely bearable; immensely enjoyable

or is loving bigger than life
loving others, the love of knowledge
is it a myth? is it not a myth? pff

is it about satisfaction?
what is this and where does it come from
apart from completing or fulfilling something aka a task
this is so messing my head

is it some cognitive limitation

okay
what i really wanted to say is
when i fail to satisfy what i love, people and school
i feel like i don't qualify to do it because i fail it
fail it like it's a task

but it doesn't have to be, or does it?

the feebly-minded

i don't like music
it fills space of my limited mind
which could be used otherwise
but never used
forms earworms
so it plays even when it's not really playing

i don't like riches
it blinds me from seeing the less rich
imprisons me in the bubble
the comfort-bubble
but poor haunts and give aches
the ache or the itch
i don't know what i prefer

or maybe it doesn't matter
what of rich and poor is it about?
of the mind of the physical of the tangible and intangible
perhaps i don't like both because it blinds me from seeing the other
and the inbetween
and of the infinite other dimensions

i doubt if i'm up for what i say i'm up for
i don't know if i mean what i say
i don't know if i feel what i think
i just don't know what i'm feeling really
possessed by the unknown
humans don't really have control of what we think or feel or do we?
or
is it a practice that the strong-minded partakes in am i the feebly-minded

if i'll ever remember the so-be-named resolution, let it be:
be in more healthy control of yourself

or is it modesty
or arrogance, or both?
to confess ignorance about the seemingly known or the utterly unknown
is it right to live in the mist
blur images nerves sparkly enable in your head

more precious time of my life, space of my mind and potency of my stamina need be saved for more worthy savory
valuable causes