blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

wow
so like
all of a sudden someone just
disappeared

like
hien
who mo la la deactivated his facebook, which is the only medium we had in common
and
we dont have many mutual friends for me to peep into his life
now like
gone

and like
weiwei
who yau mo la la deactivated her facebook
hmm
unreliable web of social networking

and like
priya
who just went back on facebook (yay! lol)

i mean
i just wish to know my friends are doing well
this is nothing too great loving of me
its rather selfish
like
i need to know people are being well to feel alright and happy
bizarre
what am i
why do i live UPON other people

like
ldermort
who
really went
blank
not just facebook
but
blank
arbitrarily
in almost all ways
active shutting down of both
sender and receiver

okay
we all want to protect ourselves
manifestation of selfishness?
or maybe its not too wrong to be selfish huh?

but are we being protected now we hide from one and other?
whatever
im too tired too selfish to even bother about this any more

i know people come and go
and i almost foretell the unpleasantness next time we meet
but
it just doesnt feel too right
to
have people
vanish in short time

too abrupt
too like a waterfall
i think i like seas and oceans better
still in motion
with waves
but not
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

.but i will get used to living under
falls.
hmm the water hits and it sorta feel good to be massaged and trained and ran upon. violent water.

ah robots.

oddness
and paradoxes

like my torturing people i love
like
i hit her but my heart aches when i heard her saying
ah its painful

and i have no patience for her?
and i want her die

like
my losing control though i know
committing
something is
unsuitable (its not wrong though, is it? what perspective do i hold.)

but ration failed anyways

everything takes impulse to complete
good thing or
bad thing
right thing and
wrong thing
ay.

cause we are humans of
complexity
delicacy

but these things are the things that
matter
the most

and when i close my eyes shut myself down in tiredness i hear your voice

or
is it better to be less serious
about life and everything therein contained
could i live without thinking

to give judgments
if things are right or wrong
and to give values
if things worth it or not
can every single thing just be equally very important and valuable
every act just meaningful and correct?
like
the aesthetic value of arts
the value of the art itself, independent of things beyond
voided of evaluation from an
outside?
angle

could things ever be disconnected from other disciplines tho?
i thought i loved interdisciplinary studies?

ah
robots.

could i not write
could i not think
or
live

dammit this is so dark lol ah...but im okay :)

honesty and directness. again

晚上的硬火騰折
使我生氣了
早上的軟炮
使我崩瀆大哭:

都是我的錯

如果你是想復仇的話
你大既是成功了

你憎恨我 決定無視我
我不願意但 絕對尊重你的決定
但
你為什麼要向我解釋你的行動呢?
你要否決我就直接用行動否決我吧
一刀劈下
乾脆利落
有必要用言語一箭箭射死我嗎?

一個劊子手怎麼會向犯人形容死亡一刻他將要面對的夢魘?

那是極致的暴力

但我理解
從你的角度看
我也是暴徒 叛賊
所以
是我活該

我是活該

我以為你清楚知道我的弱點
也以為你知道我們無心虧負你
我以為
誠懇老實
是一段良好關係的基本因素
是開始關係的先決
維持關係的必需

修補關係的針線
原來我錯了

也許應該耍個手段
顧你的感受
說些白謊話
含一口我不喜歡的蜜

但我以為你老早就知道我
誠實
直接
單純
愚蠢
我以為你都欣賞我這些東西

我投降了
你也沒有贏
我們誰都是輸家
輸得徹底
輸得一敗塗地

我無氣無力了
迫出了一些淚水 但是額頭發不出熱
只希望可以大病一場然後
以為自己睡過一夢
就算

是我意志薄弱
我只想倒下

看完第四回的判刑書
受軟不受硬的我罪疚感來襲
猛責怪自己
然後

竟然
有一刻
我
以為我想把美好的事情放棄
換個清白的名聲
以為我寧為烈士
放棄寶貴如生命的人 事 物 換一個
虛幻的美名
innocence

但心裡的一位
和
身邊的一位
叫我撐下去

我聽他們的話
幾乎就馬上發現

負自己的是自己
捆自己的是自己
我們都是自私自我的奴隸
要解放奴隸
就要解上自己綁上的 緊緊的結
送給我們的

是我想多了
那不是仇恨
不拿刀子只握筆
讓我說最後一次的
對不起

現在準備要走出黑漆的幽谷了
我希望
我們都可以
即使步伐不一 方向不同
我們都要盡快走出去
共勉之

總之
過程出錯
但結果沒有
因此無悔

fuck the hypocrite blogger

if this blog makes whoever unhappy
i could just shut it down

from beginning to end i should have never let anyone read my heart
i thought i could be all honest and stuff
i have warned that i wish i dont know whos reading
dammit
and if i said so i should have never revealed it to anyone
hypocrite me

so this goddamn blog is a sign of selfishness
i write what i think and feel
and
people read it and get bothered

apology
and
fuck my life

nonono im not angry or anything
it just
works the wrong way

im upset when you are upset

my fault
fuck my life.

everything just brightens up
and i reread my previous puzzlements
they make me smile
puzzle pieces lost and found

and i am curious about the ''counter puzzlements''
i promise: no laugh
just
delight and blushes

and emotions are infectious

i am so very happy
(not hyper, in a negative sense: hyper to internalize the upness.
the outside-in approach.)
im happy from within

and
i wanna spread it out so much
or its me who could not help overspilling joy
nothing quite intentional
every bit subconscious
overjoyed

i spend almost the entire day with my family
i talk a lot and i treat everybody so nicely
i think they like it a lot too
happy fathers day
for fathers
and people who have the courage to love children
care for people
take up responsibilities to care and love for people
°easier said than done
but i see actions from people around me
i could burst into tears for these wonderful beings

i asked my father if he regretted building a family
i mean
no easy task raising two kids no?
and both papa and mama said
no regrets
they wanted to just give
never expected reward in any ways
gosh this is so insane

i might sort of understand it but
really?
so selfless?
or...
maybe the family is themselves too
could i regard the whole universe as myself?
all humanities
crazy

like
human rights activists
thats
aaaaaaaaaa lot
of love and
fright

its like
risking oneselfs wellbeing for some other people
i mean
if i dont give a damn about other people i could always be
calm and not-unhappy
in contrast with people who care
and risk being
disappointed
saddened
worried
given up
but also
cheered
supported
cared
loved

arent all festivals just celebrations for love?
yes every single one of them about human relationships of all kinds

or do i unconsciously have a purpose being so happy today?
i might want
people and my family to like the present-me
the me who is happy
from within
the me who wants to love
and make everyone else loves

wow i sound like a saint now but yes im a disciple of love of all kinds
between people and about nature and other creatures and all

feeling quite
different from how i usually am
still
weird but
i will make weirdness normality
yes will do
as long as it could be
ah!

雨季的邊緣回憶

在滂沱大雨下走
感覺不難受

我會想起中四的一個下午
短短從禾輋街市跑到學校的一段路
沒有雨傘的我們在街市出口
我在算著要趕回校準備辯論的事
心急得可以不顧一切就衝過去

心想
濕了也不要緊
年輕的我們即使病倒亦回復得快
而且我從來想越線做些不應該的事
如在大雨中漫步
如在風球高懸的日子下街吹醒一下自己
那是大自然給我的提醒

你一副亳不憂心的樣子
繞到士多開口與老闆談上幾句
我心裡覺得異樣
暗想師兄怎麼輕重不分

趕時間哪哪哪~~~

噢原來
突然已經借來了雨傘
奇妙的事情

人都是善心的動物
不是社交能力
而是你早早和他們就是朋友
嗯
驚奇又驚喜了的我一臉驚訝
不莫名的感動
哇 想大叫一聲與眾人擁抱

拿過雨傘就撐開準備走
三四分鐘的腳程在大雨下我倆兩分鐘就跑過
怎麼我覺得那幾刻鐘好像幾小時
受保護的片刻
偷了不屬於我的親切

我們的身高不一
腳長有別
跑的一剎還算可以
是因為在小傘下我們擠得夠迫
只是到達有蓋的走廊後一看
我依然濕了小半邊身
你依然濕了大半邊身
哈哈哈

有趣的事
可惜我忘了人的名字

°°°
所以我也不怕冒雨從崇基圖書館走去火車站
因為總有親切可偷
:)
感謝

idealisation recall

: it takes blank time of broken contact

i wish i could tell everything to you
but what if the thing that bugs me most is no other thing but?
the bug that stings
nothing painful just
itchy
still quite unbearable
from physique to psyche
it bugs

and there is this constant fear of
the more i expose the uglier of me i show
true disciple of idealisation
screw this word

i talked about it and it all sounded so nice
yes it is for people around me
people only become better and nicer and lovelier because i
forgo their bad sides and retain and exaggerate their good
but

conversely
the more
concrete and real interaction we have the less this
scary and nice and well-intended machine would work

should i just disappear for a week?
i wish i wont regret if it disperses after a week
at least i would have protected myself from another well
- drained or full i shall not want
or i would have allowed time for fate to work
for imagination to actualise

lies are not lies
they could be truth if we make them be
and truth aint constant
it changes
might be into lies

i just think i sound pathetically annoying and stupid and unlovable punkt
curse my doubt but like
if it takes or will take effort, this is not natural?
why on earth am i looking for nature in everything its making me super submissive and lazy and unproductive and
trashy

im a pond of stagnancy. too calm. couldnt bear even just one drop extra
ripples linger and shake my whole
Aber wohin fließt dein Fluss?
ich kann mein Leben nie nie nie verstehen.

paradoxes prevail. even at times when im supposed to be asleep in dream
screw stars and night.
screwwwww me

oh dear i dont get that at all no i aint a philosopher im just a pathetic being
doing stupid overthinking
sentimentality this thing i thought i would never cling but okay now im so horribly sentimental at night on this page
i wish i wont spill it
jesus i didnt give permission to my parents to bring me into being ROARRRR give me my birth right i would rather be never alive.

or
why aint i a cypress?

roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr schizophrenia lol

visual arts

photographs are deceptive
more deceptive than paintings

: whilst i look at pictures
i see almost just happy faces
people dont usually take pictures when people are not in the mood to be taken a picture of
aka the happy mood
aka the okay shoot my happy face mood
i.e. absence of the more prevalent unhappy moments
or at least
rage and sadness are underrepresented
loss and despair

but for paintings
its almost very often about these understated emotions
very often about inexplicable subtlety

ofcourse skills count in frames of pictures
but not the skill to paint accurately
but the instinct
to represent oneself via brushstrokes
and colours
and some other inexplicables of arts

and they often vary from one person to another
the techniques or channels
the representations

there could be misinterpretation
but art should allow free interpretation
valid understanding out of context
new creation out of preexisted ideas
the author has a vision and reader has another
the speaker has an intention the listener has another
it impedes precision of message transmission
yet brings about new simulations
new possibilities and directions
breeds the new

language is more than just tool this i proclaim

this world is too complex to be understood
ever changing settings
ever changing people
ever changing art and style and trend and
just everything

openness and liberalism.

some more Overinterpretaemotion

p.s. i overinterpret all the time because i live on intensity
feel free to hop off midway
caution: this entry is intense :P

could we just let it
explode?
if i aint
misinterpreting anything
let it erupt
as wildly as insanely as unexpectedly
lest
we would regret
we would have missed the glow

i thought you like fireworks

now its like
too many calculations
too many hesitations
too
unnatural

or
what is nature?
human nature connotes complexity
hence
doubts
incessant doubts
hesitations
uncertainties
fearfulness
for things that are not even scary in the slightest sense

fear is a human invention
subjective
and
it makes me sad

do i sound western? casual and not thoughtful enough
but what exactly is thoughtfulness
and does it always do us good

and i screw rationality in this
a thing that
is less about math
and ration
more about intuition
emotions
affections

its impulse

°
bygones are moments of teases
a false start
i beg followed by a rosy road
and bygones are bygones
lets just focus ahead

but if i push it way too hard its gonna fracture, or will it not?
like my fucking arm
when i tried too hard to support myself once i fell
i broke a part in me
and it could be so broken that its
beyond repair
and steel has to be installed
permanently
and i have to internalize steel
assume i was born with it to live with it

i could go steel if needed
but i wont let my sponge be lost
i need to absorb
and absorp
i could get poisoned in this room of
toxic gas
and im still spongy receptive to heavenly fluid

morbid
but floral morbidity

fingers crossed
uncertainty gushes my veins
valves closing trying to halt unease
frailty
failure me

self protective mechanism tuned in
i dim the light and hide
in this fucking closet
where are my headphones i loathe the noise
the deep voice murmuring in my ears
my eardrums vibrating beating techno
But weep i miss the sound of wind
the swishing sound
even its insecurity
i like it natural

i need it natural

step out
put away our goddamn earphones
listen to your heart
and
fall into
freedom and love

°
what is you
or
would we just scrape it, past or future

°
silly enough i think
i live to bring happiness
meaning of life so suddenly found
yes i think my life is bits of other peoples lives together
so relativist

and if im delivering annoyance and troubles
for your wellbeing, which is my wellbeing too
i would rather depart.
adios and
all the best

this sounds so familiar.
Zendagi migzara.

p.s. dont worry, this is literary creation.
and i have everything fixed before i fell asleep last night.
got this healthy. worldly mentality.
hi five sophistication.

Thank You For The Music - Hidden Track - Mamma Mia The Movie

REPOST!
this song is my gemstone.

high temperature

heat kills germs
my fever kills insanity
the tide is receding and im steering myself to
modesty

behold this closet of seclusion
the threshold to this other space
single dimensional
a dot with no significance
senseless
or has it been just
blank?

beware that senselessness is sensible in a way
for it is still a signifier
signifying abstraction
quite some hollowness

the twisted
Diego José Francisco de
Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de
los Remedios Cipriano de
la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y
of alteration

what am i babbling about

the temperature will go
i will come out of the shade

°°°
yesternight i was saying to a friend
in the tone of consolation that
´when theres a will
theres a way´

again
im not so convinced by
things i hang on my tongue so oft

i just am used to play the therapist role
always feel obliged to sound positive

no complaint
i mean
its alright
no use infecting each other depression
when someone come to you saying he or she is not alright
you dont drag him further down and be his or her inmate
even if its arbitrary you say
come on cheer up add oil blahblahblah
its just better for both
showcase the
will to be
up and free
prisonbreak thyself

unrestrained by tiny troubles and problems
chains and cuffs
and everything is tiny
tiny indeed

°°
yet still occupied

or maybe its just my inefficiency
or maybe im not so determined
or maybe i dont feel the rush
totally deserve it. being non judgmental
but i deserve it.

refractive truth: overinterpretation

i claim your statement my present
a challenge or a doubt you have
about us
response as follows

ration and reason matter not when it comes
for life is random and illogical
rules and criteria melt
because breaking free of constraints and expectations is the ultimate goal

miraculous
- is something that is irregular and unusual
but what is usualness anyway?
isnt it wonderful if we could be miraculous

embrace being extraordinary

there is no should be or should not be
there is no truth and untruth
no reality versus illusion
because we could turn dreams into reality if we feel like to
actualisation

light refracts
but after refraction it still gives an approximation of
the truth
which, nevertheless
is a subjective construction
cause we see through our subjective eyes

its not about how we are
its about how we want us to be
and we could give it a try
ha thought you are the bold impulsive type of person
lets just go with our heart
follow our instincts
think not
we could be

compulsively impulsively intuitive

sorry
i rob you your statement
do you feel like being mugged though
hug
°°°

ironically i hate it when
my mum gets irrational
where her logic is
where my patience is
ughhhhh

dai sai chew me

How To Draw a Boy Using the Word "Boy"

mo liu but
lolllllllllllllll

because 1:03 totally looks like 豬名寺 亂太郎 to me XDDDD
the hair is wrapped

wahahahahahahahaha im so mo liu...
and this blog is so indulgent...
i could type all day to kill time (faintttttttttt).

she is sleeping more and more
actually sleeping so much like hibernating though
this summer is vapourising water from even graveyard
some meters beneath which is
hell
soil dry and cool and
lifeless
nothing but deadly

or is there soil at all
could be just an incomprehensible space
entirely empty
hollow
a bizarre dimension where no one alive understands
some psychics may do but they still hold a living perspective
so dry its pretty much like west european winter
rigorous

she has been dozing off all the time
feebly leaning against the black long leather cushion
slanted
both she and the cushion
and
she has began to smell like leather
dead animal skin: fancy and disgusting

skin gradually losing its sheen
dull and wrinkly
hair not completely silverised but i see its fragility
easily observable from her dusty comb
i figure white black mix is worse than all shiny silver

and her uselessness
you smell pee in the toilet
and her linen
and her clothes
maybe not so now we make her use diaper

i rid her naked
sorry
brutally enough
literally and metaphorically

but she had her working blade in her wallet
the blade which she used to feed her kids
and grandchildren

we hairdress her
and sometimes dress her
during the un action you see her droopy breasts
wrapped in folded skin
sorry for the explicitness
but this is no eroticism at all
just plain truth
not even ugly
just loyal to facts
every morning dews are dried
every year flowers wilt and die

since a year ago reluctant to bath (or has it been longer than that)
since some years ago reluctant to leave home
bad feet jointing hurting knees jointing a paper thin torso
and some more years i thought these were jokes
incredible physical malfunctions which i despise
that she walked slowly (come on she walked like jogging when i was a kid)
like natalie portman disbelieving in charlie tahans lactose intolerance

i thought she was just being obnoxious
intentionally pissing people off
demanding attention doing incredibly careful acting

but this world is indeed pretty simple and honest in some ways
curse my stupidity
my heart was narrow

now i look through her decline
and know its real
perhaps sad
or not so when its inevitable
so i thought i would kill myself when i malfunction at like sixty

inevitable death too
ahead
°

today i got a strong feeling that she is dying soon
this lady who sees me grow my entire life
this lady whom i see her grows old my entire life
its saddening
and perversely enough its
liberating

perplex
or maybe not so when
life and death are so simply naked rules that all creatures abide to

i hope i dont sound too bitter
because i really am not
ripple on a lake

aha now she is up from nap
driving her rolling walker checking the house
still my grandma.

gotta switch on the light for her tiny eyes
which still see
through life
and death
and me

06051905 i trim her nails

my heart was hanged the entire day

my heart was hanged the entire day
for this message that i could unleash
my glands
lacrimal for tears
and sudoriferous for sweat
thank you for the disturbance. i needed to be stirred up to figure out myself
such a mess

have you ever been in this state
tears near to flow but you, with effort, hold it back
give this blink blink eye
at the brim and at the rim the heart screams
but unheard
because it is not physical
emo
( oh maybe emo subtlety makes a being a person. i.e. being human means being human. but i secretly think animals have human emotions too)
but your heart scream deafens you and forbid you from hearing the world
the external aka the real the objective

have you ever been in this state
when you feel the inner heat
you think you might be covered in a thin film of sweat but
when you lay your palm on your skin
like the side of your neck or the back of your shoulder
you only feel the heat of your palm
no moist no moist at all
hmm trick yourself into thinking: maybe it is the hong kong humidity
shrug
i wish i aint an endotherm
so im even more adaptive and could hibernate and take real long sleeps when feel like to

distractive writing
now i return to this difficult personal issue
so dear river, should i study or should i work?
i would bet im the 'happy go study' type but
come on everybody has to work for at least a while
maybe i am actually the 'happy go live, study or work' type
how would i know when i havent started working

(it amazes me how i always sound so happy. but i havent figure out if it is real or it is just manners or am i being self deceptive or something...
human thoughts and self consciousness kill me all the time)

or there is not the binary opposition at all
even i got accepted into wherever i still have one year before i take off
(oh dear it is so exciting and scary to be out of hong kong! seriously wherever will do. verrueckt und unsinnvoll aber wahr!)
but now where i should place my heart, work or school. aint a multitasker not for now.

okay im gonna be systematic. PLEDGE.
alternate my days, one day for job app and the next for sch app.
wahaha i sound so clever and wise

yo i dragged my heart back on the balanced ground. vielleicht :P
hilarious i always i ask i answer:
this is how a seemingly emotionally stable person treats his or her emotional turbulences
squirm. squint. SMILE!

Post to share: The Optimism Bias

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,2074067,00.html?xid=fblike

so its not just me who is overly optimistic
hmmmmm
i figure my whatsoever fantasisation idealisation and stuff r all fruits from this tree of optimism :P

life too mellow to be real.
i must have gone crazy or something
GO ACHIEVERS!

human relation. ideally.

hard diction. soft content.
i needa write hard to formularise.

writing as an idealist:

friends
are to attract and to be attracted

one way to enable active attraction is to cater to what the opponent like
ofcourse one could say that the active doer could then be a hypocrite
for he or she sort of alter his or her true self to cater to the other being
and yet
cater to does not necessarily carry negative connotation
if one treasures a friend as such
that he or she cares about the positive being of the other person
is it really a wrong thing to change the self a bit
as long as he or she feels comfortable to?
this echoes to the idea of to be attracted
so you actively present an aspect of you (might be an immediate acquisition, still modest) that the other person would like
so this friend would be attracted.

of course everything is done rather unconsciously or subconsciously
curse me the conscious

the cool way to do
on the other hand
is be yourself
as cold as stern as cool as unapproachable
seemingly negative but again not necessarily
being distinct and special is appealing to some people
then this special qi would get some, a few or a lot, people
or by chance and randomness
a person gets to meet new people and make friends
however great an extent the relationship would develop into
as shallow still, its friendship of a kind

though i wonder
when two people know each other and value each other
there is the force of 'i would evolve for your good'
or is there not?

needless to say this is also unconscious
but there is this thing going on

like
when the well being of this friend becomes part of your joy
this is really nothing too noble or fancy
i believe it is in everybody

a night of inspiration
though it was induced by a not so positive case study

christ my friends are amazing