idealisation recall

: it takes blank time of broken contact

i wish i could tell everything to you
but what if the thing that bugs me most is no other thing but?
the bug that stings
nothing painful just
itchy
still quite unbearable
from physique to psyche
it bugs

and there is this constant fear of
the more i expose the uglier of me i show
true disciple of idealisation
screw this word

i talked about it and it all sounded so nice
yes it is for people around me
people only become better and nicer and lovelier because i
forgo their bad sides and retain and exaggerate their good
but

conversely
the more
concrete and real interaction we have the less this
scary and nice and well-intended machine would work

should i just disappear for a week?
i wish i wont regret if it disperses after a week
at least i would have protected myself from another well
- drained or full i shall not want
or i would have allowed time for fate to work
for imagination to actualise

lies are not lies
they could be truth if we make them be
and truth aint constant
it changes
might be into lies

i just think i sound pathetically annoying and stupid and unlovable punkt
curse my doubt but like
if it takes or will take effort, this is not natural?
why on earth am i looking for nature in everything its making me super submissive and lazy and unproductive and
trashy

im a pond of stagnancy. too calm. couldnt bear even just one drop extra
ripples linger and shake my whole
Aber wohin fließt dein Fluss?
ich kann mein Leben nie nie nie verstehen.

paradoxes prevail. even at times when im supposed to be asleep in dream
screw stars and night.
screwwwww me

oh dear i dont get that at all no i aint a philosopher im just a pathetic being
doing stupid overthinking
sentimentality this thing i thought i would never cling but okay now im so horribly sentimental at night on this page
i wish i wont spill it
jesus i didnt give permission to my parents to bring me into being ROARRRR give me my birth right i would rather be never alive.

or
why aint i a cypress?

roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr schizophrenia lol