concept of us

i am really sorry but am really not convinced when you say you're sure we will meet or we can talk / plan about meeting. because history has shown that it didnt work.

i recall looking at plane tickets to addis and you said you were writing your thesis and that i would be a distraction, and you went to helsinki but not london. somehow, just somehow, it never worked. i have absolutely no grounds to believe that it will however much i wish it would.

i sound so blamey that even i can't stand myself. bitterness. i am probably truly blamey, and i hate myself for that. but i also know that am at least 50% why we haven't met - i wasnt persistent enough.

i have to love myself more than you. sorry, but it's only right for me to choose not to believe because i have to protect myself first, before i can be or do anything including loving you and building us. for now i have no choice but to protect myself against you, protect myself against believing the unlikely idea that we will reunite, ever.

us is just too thin a possibility. it's airy. it must sound harsh but sometimes its airiness makes me doubt if us has even ever existed.

i am broken.

wasnt about betrayal, but my trust issue hangs, partly because of you. because of us.

***
perhaps all we like has always just been the concept of us, not really us sharing a life in reality.

i fretted over not getting to see you not having a plan to meet two years ago, and, two years have passed, now i can't help but learnt a lesson - to guard myself against believing the unlikely.

i put down your guards you said, and you have put mine on. sad.

tiny little

And someone still reads my heart, cares about how I feel.

For this alone I keep myself intact.

Breaking down is like feeling sick. I enjoyed it when I was a kid. It grabs attention of others.
But I’ve come to the age when I know that no one really takes care of me except for myself. Maybe my parents do take care of me but because it wouldn’t be the way I want it I wouldn’t want it. Am an annoying (beautiful) ass.

Who knows me anyway.

A friend was telling me her currently at the brink of breaking down.

How I felt so helpless. And cold.

I do lack empathy.

And sometimes she tells me that everyone just has to take care of themselves.

I think it’s right.

We are all in little excess of energy, aren’t we?

The ‘better’ type of people let others do most of the talking.

They are patient, humble, and they are not full of themselves.

Sometimes I am the better type of people; sometimes, or maybe most of the time, I am not.

But this is okay too. I mean, what else can I do?

The boss I fancy had a rough Thursday.

He told me about his helplessness of ‘pleasing’ everyone. ‘pleasing’ in quotation because it’s not exactly pleasing. In our work context it’s more like satisfying needs of the marginalized. He said he could address needs of the poor people and youngsters and women and the handicapped in the whitepaper to submit to the government, but the ethnic minorities weren’t happy that they were excluded. He said categories are infinite. Of course there is no perfection. Gosh does he still not know.

I responded that people do what they are supposed to in respective roles. It was an EM group he was talking to and he represents the entire sector. And that he has already done a decent job not being numb to these demands –  

How hard it is, really.

He was most saddened by the fact that the whitepaper hardly means a thing. Above discontent over the contents, what’s there to see and touch and make happen. Airy. The whitepaper is just a surface of things. It’s an indicator that he is doing his job. He saw nothing underneath the surface. He wasn’t pleased.

I responded that the surface might as well be the substance. ‘There’s thickness to it’, I said. I was responding for discussion’s/ argument’s sake, like how I always am.

How does he imagine the non-surface substance anyway. Is perception, sort of or exclusively, reality? Is there right or wrong to it, especially when we are tiny little screws in the giant machine. Are ‘tiny little screws’ a flattery or an insult – I can’t be sure.

He earns it staying.

Pacified by the system. The establishment.

good and bad, and bad episodes of work

This is a moving cute, possibly sad, story
A bunch of under-informed and well-intended colleague-friends
Trying to help this colleague-friend of ours get the remuneration she deserves
Little did we know that the labor welfare is so pathetically meager
Little did I think about what I helped my employer delivers or executes close to heartlessness
Think more criticize more

***

another episode of passive-agressive me in display today

and i think to myself, that it feels good in the moment but it does harm, immediate harm, that would last long, maybe forever

toothpaste squeezed out of the tube

don't be toxic and mean like someone i wouldn't respect

oh well maybe i should tattoo it on me

so i remind myself, something about work

so i remind myself -
don't become someone i don't want to become
don't become someone i would dislike and distance from i.e. self-hate

the new colleague changes the dynamics
what force is there to pull me into talking bad of my supervisor with her, i wonder
i know how sup is inadequate but rather than stressing this with everyone, i should find ways to get around and smooth work processes. work smart not work stupid.
possibly that she shares with me similar emotions at work the most, interaction with the supervisor
it must be tempting to vent, but possibly detrimental. so don't.
stop.

the provocative type i am, but this does not entail cockiness. it should not.
even though being teasingly cocky could mean no harm, it could be illy perceived. so don't.
stop.

or is such conversing smoothing things up. or is there some other ways to.
there must be.

or is it silly to attempt to be sane and perfect at work. they are subjective notions anyways
what if i act her way of sanity and her way of perfection. i think i kinda get it. kinda or maybe not.

or maybe i could just be myself,
but be a kind self

more good, less bad
more ideas and things, less people

Unknowns and open options

We talked about how time passes in a blink.
You recounted when you first travelled to Japan, some ten, twenty years ago. And you found it surreal how it seemed like yesterday.
You projected the same speed of time passing for the years ahead, saying some other ten, twenty years could pass just as swiftly.
You are 46 (?) and you mum passed away when she was 66.

My ten, twenty years ago, I was a schoolgirl.
In some ten, twenty years, I don't know what I do nor where I will be. I hope I do have open options.

Flamingo once said that the age of 25 was the mid point, in terms of perception of one's lifetime. Childhood passes much slower than adulthood. I wonder what old age feels like, and whether it makes some difference living in big cities and more slow-paced small towns or rural places.

At some point I thought I would enjoy life in a village, and at some other I thought I wouldn't. I guess it depends on the company and what one makes of it.

You whined about spending most time at work, rather than with your loved ones. I teased you about it being your choice. Opportunity costs too high for you to quite your job, fancy and not fancy. I hope you are secretly enjoying what you do.

I wonder for how long I remain adventurous as I claim to be, and carefree. That's what I proclaim myself to be, maybe not how I really am. Will I one day have opportunity cost too high for me to be free? I hope yes and I hope not. Maybe more not than yes.

十年一夢。

Flatteries

Two bosses offered me job opps today.
Am really flattered.
One barely knows me, jess.
The other knows me more, but more on the personal not work level, ant.
The trust and faith they show can get me teared up.

But am juggling too many balls maybe.
I want to deliver quality work for the tasks I have for now.
But venturing into new territories hot darn tempting.

Oh the other flattering thing.
Ant lists me as a recommendation for some development program.
I would so so love it. Really.
I hope the rest concurs.
Ofcourse I see why it's uneasy for him to do it, for me not his lengs.
Hahaha I do wish to be his leng.
Heart.
I hope whom am leng of carries me to the baton like ant does (allusion to obama speaking endorsing hilary at dnc)

About hump. Woah that's not very welcoming response when jess jokingly or not invited me to apply

Teammates are so important. Utter utter importance.

窮則獨善其身,達則兼濟天下

it would be selfish had one have the privileges and let them go to waste
they should be used to the fullest
and still stretched and ultra maximized
so much that it deforms and shrinks and breaks

with great power comes great responsibilities

resilience needs be proved, used and consumed


life is good but good is shit
it's numbing

it's annoying that im enjoying it and i feel i shouldnt be
not comfy

i don't know what to feel and how to think

perhaps i want to be torn and tortured
as if only so then i squeeze my brain hard enough
as if only then my existence comes to be
then i exist for myself
not work not others

i want to focus on myself but now am not

i guess am not that interested in others as in others in the society

i am not sure

《我得不到的男人們》

我在想像寫本小說，名為《我得不到的男人們》。

我得不到的男人們有很多，且各有出色。

近期有兩位上司，一位我完全理解為何吸引我，另一位我感覺本身吸引很多人，但他兩都令我自我感覺與別不同。

第一位如某同事所言，親和力滿瀉，即使是裝出來的也裝得太好，當然其實也不用深究是假扮還是真心，反正真中有假假中有真，更大部分人是裝都懶，更不濟。加上極度能幹又有前瞻性。所以即使有兒如我般長我都仰慕非常。不過於我而言，「仰慕」與「想得到」可能有別。LOL。我估計我是想得到他的賞識及指導吧。

另一位非直屬上司，相對年輕，而外表更比實際年齡少上好幾上十年，同樣令人感覺親切。噢，而給予我的距離感比上一位少很多。我有時可以裝模作樣就走進他的房間東拉西扯，又可以午餐約會討論社會、世界，以致不同價值觀。在香港，他是暫時唯一一個我覺得知理知性，可以熱烈認真討論（接近任何東西）的人。當然湊巧幸運，我們碰上了然後碾轉偶然成了「(偽)飯腳」。人事有多奧妙。

另外得不到的男人…

法國人應該會谷歌翻譯，所以恕不多聊。LOL。基本上他極度真摯真誠，對親近的朋友心裡的情感要挖得一乾二淨，實在很窩心、很可愛。我是被感動，兼被引誘了。當然是雙向的。不過如果我們走在一起，估該爭吵會不少。

可惜我已經忘記很多過去幾近沸點的原因與情節。大既就是我們在對方都有些煩氣位，而耐性欠缺。

非洲人。唉。我猜性情也大不同，不過我曾經以為他的滿有耐性互補了我（的急燥），而我也正在努力要變得更有智慧與胸襟、空間去接收他的有依據的意見。他的學識極誘人，不過從而執己見的態度令人難受。

到底是得不到。不過經歷也使我很慶幸。

days of ups and downs and lesson learnt

(con't, sort of)

and i focus on petty things in life that makes me happy
my work life i over-zoomed in
and my colleagues with whom i spent so much time with, mentally
otherwise i wilt to death

i thought my emotional stability was high
but my opinion swings every day

gawd
am i stable emotionally

i thought i would rather experience ecstasy and depression than to be constantly boringly okay
i don't know how much i stick to this opinion now

i breath in
i breath out

right there's this boss i fancy
and we had good chat over lunch today
that made my day
until the familiar unfamiliar chat over the phone happened
and always at the bad time i.e. close to my bed time

i should refrain from any calls and intense conversations after 4pm now
to attain the right peaceful state of mind my dearest tranquility in preparation for bed time

wow am getting really old
- and that's okay too

yep i idealized us, of course i did

my ignorance was challenged
and no one challenges my ignorance because i know it best

i am so freaking ignorant and i know it best

and i quite take pride in knowing and admitting it
but i would be offended if someone said that i live happily in the ignorance bubble
which you did, or suggested, or hypothesized
and i wasn't pleased

i freaking hate the ignorance bubble

i was offended and mad

i was mad, but still sane, and wounded a bit
the combination of which muted me for brief seconds, and you never liked silence on the other side, of which i was also aware
but had i not been quiet i would be adding to the non-yelling - you said you weren't yelling
except that i probably couldn't have been because i ain't proficient in argument, in any language
you sounded judgemental to me. of course you didn't mean to whatsoever

i don't know which language am more fluent in. i guess am losing them both
or that i haven't had similar chats in too long a time
or that talking over the phone never really works
fuck these demonic chats

you also accused that i wasn't interested in what you were doing
i told you it wasn't entirely true, and this was partly because of my greenhouse experience
i couldn't be interested in something which i barely knew
like you couldn't be interested in Fitzgerald because you didn't know he existed

that was when i asked what you would be doing - i thought it was a sign of showing interest
and i wasn't just showing, i was genuinely curious
more about working in warfront than about you personally
i guess your patience was lacking at first and fuelled back up a bit when you started talking
i always said you were one of the most patient people i've met

right, that didn't end well, our phone chat in a long time you know how long
we both know how long
and of course you said you would call back and i stopped expecting
and i'm really used to not talking to you now because you've withdrawn yourself from my life
awaringly or not that's what you've done and what i've accepted and gotten used to and growing fond of
i suppose you want me well, and getting accustomed to your absence is one of the essential hows

i am pretty sure you stopped visiting, and my guards are up
so high up now i'm no longer mad having vented here

why did you love me again?

it was a pity and increasingly not
it's really alright

stay safe,
mufaro

The first time I see so clearly that maturity and childish- or childlike-ness are not antonyms.
And changemaking and gambling, and faith and ignorance almost synonymous - maybe what sets them apart is the intent, its presence/ absence, and the what.
I hope intent matters.

I suppose it matters to the one making the intent. But what about to others? Idealistically it does, but in reality hardly, sadly, does it? No one in no one else's shoe and no one be someone else's worm in the gut, really, doesn't it? I mean even with the intention to, it's just extremely difficult to be - I want to understand mama and I try hard to, but without her upbringing and experience it's just almost impossible to (don't judge until you meet her).

I wish I have a nicer word than 'ignorance' but my vocab is small.

It is a leap indeed. A leap of faith.
Into believing that something will happen, and that something is happening; that something is, and something will be. About the present and the future, maybe even the past.
It takes some imagining, like history, actually also the present, maybe or if not everything. And since history can be revisionist, can't the present and the future too, as well as imagination itself? I don't mean to go metaphysical but it's too important to not to. So basic.
Imagination revisited and reworked and reinterpreted and revisioned every week, or even a shorter period. Very, very, exasperating exasperating. Draining. Knackered. 

What are you imagining?
Bae I have your back. Please have mine.

You ponder, you think, you puzzle, you wonder. Is there an end to this. Is it meaningful to if there isn't. Oh maybe there are pauses and commas, but is it good enough. What alternatives are there if you not ponder think puzzle and wonder, if any. Maybe there isn't any.
Free will? Freedom? I don't feel much of their presence. I feel very constrained by my mind. Is my mind myself.

I might have lived it before seeing it.

our beautiful lives

had two very mellow catching-ups with friends
m.n. rim doing fieldwork in cape town
k. wong doing phd in l.a.
the conversations were
illuminating

the latter reminded me how wonderful it is to be a student, to live abroad

we share[d] similar experiences, in terms of encountering all sorts of people, and having strange, fearful and exciting different types of relationships,
the boomboom of being wowed and impressed and stimulated by them,
and by everything else;
in terms of coming across mind-blowing and -boggling people dynamics and being thrown in awe, or bewilderment;
in terms of
dreaming and venturing,
failing and embracing failures,
being thirsty, so thirsty of new experiences,
pleasant and unpleasant ones,
being uncertain and being forced to embrace uncertainties
being bold, and sometimes regretting it and most of the time not
they call it courage, we consider it basic

and the difficulties
her 25% of attention and my 50%, or possibly her less <25% and my >50%
the less fun but still worthwhile parts,
of coming to see and live and know

her beautiful [state of] life
my quite beautiful [state of] life

thank you for being an example and giving me an aspiration

is being too adaptive and versatile a problem, that i stop wanting what i wanted and become satisfied with what i have?

is it only in me

it's intense-ish - that i had to avoid eye contact
i didn't want to risk being inappropriate

sooooo cute
and - traumatized? tamed? honest about his weaknesses
is it the first person that play my cord of sympathy
sympathy yet undoubtedly still smart

[crush]

am so easily tricked and deceived and blinded
but i will, for now

young and fearless - or not really
but what low cost isn't it

***

oh well so it happened - haha the 'it'
with a bit of an emotional bump that hasn't been necessary
but well THE CAPITALIST SYSTEM
phew
it really shouldn't have bothered me

i hope the manager joins so
hopefully better with a cushion, maybe

dynamics, 悸動 and stressful at the same time

ma life, complete change of steering direction in such short time

mumbling mumbling

i would really love to become him one day

second interview today
i basically confessed my admiration for one of the bosses
thinking back i might have spurred something not the best
but i felt so so good afterwards i felt i was certainly getting it
so i emailed uni and said i wasn't joining them no more
i hope it's not a prank

people matter so much

freaking freaking progressive, and knowledgeable and sharp
and warm and caring, acting or not it's delivered

易哄的跑者們

「你若能看著跑者的眼睛，花15分鐘給予真誠的讚許，她會不眠不休跑上10天。」

「一開始，我先問跑者是否需要任何協助，然後我提供我能找到的所有資源給他們。他們通常嚇一跳，然後有點遲疑要不要接受我的協助，因為跑者的另一個特質是凡事都靠自己。他們會說：『不，不用啦，我可以。』 而我會堅持要他們允許我幫忙。他們會同意然後揚言：『好吧，如果你幫了我這個，那我就可以去做我正在醞釀的另外那個案子了。』而那很正常，因為跑者永遠都有做不完的事。在他們心中，還有很多事可以做，而且他們總是覺得使命未達，因為他們完成的事情還不夠多。」

Source: http://hk.thenewslens.com/post/316851/

Path

So thankful. So fucking thankful.

It was not the explosive type of brian fuck I have always dreamt of, but it was still very good brain fuck. Like the type between old couples. Full of long lasting love that you will reminisce for long. Resounding. Very wise words indeed.

It's a good place afterall, like the last but in a different way. Even more interesting and deeply caring people - one just has to more proactively seek out to them and make things happen. This is the maker bay.

Isn't John one of the best persons ever. Progressive and visionary and modest and sophisticated. Outstanding. Extremely outstanding. And his disciples.

Anthony, more direct and possibly easier to talk to. Lucid and wise and encouraging. Thank you for the illuminating conversation and sharing. It means a whole lot.

Thank you Am. A close example so accessible. Courageous and generous and intelligent. Wise too indeed. I have no doubt you will create your own world and am sure your effort will pay off.

This is one incredible place.
Patchy awesomeness shining through and blinding.

Let's make awesomeness, anywhere, any way.

some time around december 2015 / january 2016

i hate that i have become so bitter
i hate that i have become a haunting ghost who won't stop going after you
i hate that i gave up on my senses and rationality to believe in the 99.9% impossible

i hate that i have become someone whom i wouldn't choose to love

so this is snowballing into self-hatre
and talking to you almost an act of self-sabotage

and this is when i have to stop

had this discussion with goatee
when i insisted loving someone means loving someone with all one's might
even more than loving oneself
he said it was impossible

in hindsight i change my mind
i guess it's not really about loving your partner more or less than loving yourself
but rather
one only knows how to love when one loves oneself
say, in this traumatic moment of mine
if i love myself more, maybe i should not let myself become so bitter and ghastly and disgusting
but rather someone more lovable

this is very exhausting

whine 於 2016年1、2月

在我們小吵的那一次，男朋友說不明白我為甚麼畢業後選擇回我老說不喜歡的老家。
我給自己的原因是因為在外打滾不易，與其留在海外打一份「不認真」的工，不如回鄉做一份比較有價值的工作。

然後返鄉後的第七、八個月，我知道我選錯了。

說穿了，是２６、２７歲的我當時選擇了當小孩：
我厭恐老家的遊戲規則，但我沒有膽量親身不依「規距」做人；
我害怕萬一留外撈不成，要負上責任；
我害怕別人的眼光同批判，雖然口中一直聲稱自己有多不屑，但我還是很介意（想吐）。

實在很幼稚。

結果，我現在在老家ｃｏｍｆｏｒｔ　ｚｏｎｅ監獄自怨自艾。
自找的。
活該啊。

然後，現在當然不滿溫度上升，不知幾時會到沸點。

其實，即使我不知道自己追求的是甚麼，都應該知道自己不追求的是甚麼吧。
有足夠的ｓｅｌｆ—ａｓｓｅｒｔｉｖｅｎｅｓｓ，別人的認同我根本不希罕，那我幹麼因為覺得自己要走「世人」所定義的「正路」。
真是枉回來了。

keep calm, think and introspect

it probably exists in every culture in one way or another
fortunetelling
but somehow i have the impression that it's worse in asia than in 'the west', wherever that refers to
superstition

backstory
ma ma wong went to a fortuneteller to get sista's and my life story told
using our names and time/ date of our birth
yes it is a thing in hong kong
she believes in the Confucius, Buddhism and Daoism - basically a pantheist minus religions she doesn't get to know
my sister told me - i wonder how i would react had she told me that my life would only be freaking awesome. oh well, how else could it be. hahahahahah. everyone's life is ups and downs

but i was annoyed (because it wasn't f perfect?)
and i was annoyed because it was done without my consent - and my sis said oh well 'she gave you life' - is this a legitimate reason?
the usual me would argue against myself that it was my own business to get annoyed. of course ma ma wong gets to do whatever she wants, including analysing information she has - including my name and time/date of birth (LOL). it's my business (and my silliness and my decision) to choose to be annoyed/ dismissive/ amused by it.
but i was annoyed - so my rationality failed me
i felt annoyed

and i took a stroll wondering why (AWESOME btw: i realized i am a real introvert. i recharged and felt good about taking this stroll in solitude and introspecting and understanding my emotions HURRAY!)

SO
because of the deterministic nature of fortunetelling - or fatalistic (or not depending on the perspective).
i didn't (or 'don't'? do i still? - i guess not i hope not) like that in this period of me making change, trying to stop backseating my life (i.e. am changing my job!), i was told how my life was going to be. i didn't like losing control to fate.
because fortuneteller undermines my sovereignty/ autonomy/ power over my life - they don't get to decide how my life is going to be seriously... and why would anyone let them
now that i think about it, why was i even annoyed in the first place. does it mean i had the slightest thought of them joining me in the driver's seat? or some mysterious outer space forces do?
i do acknowledge circumstantial impacts, but it is always the engine-not-mirror relationship - my actions act upon the environment and the environment shapes me. a fuzzy something not a clear anything

and it's simply bizarre that ma ma wong hears this one story from the one fortuneteller. and the fortuneteller telling a story that she hears/ intended for her receipt, and her antennae are so different from mine ... and sister heard it too - whose antennae also different from mine

now that am over-ish it, am glad i had the chance

Happiness is a state of mind

So

I decide to be whimsical
and not sad
and up-beet
and mignon


So

When you ask "How are you?"
My standard answer be
"I am humorous" or
"I am sapiosexual" or
"I am fucking awesome"

When you ask "What's up?"
I go like
"Whoop whoop"
"Writing Poetry"
"and naked portraits"

Happiness is a state of mind (after a cup of Americano)

Behaviorally speaking, no man is an island; 振作

however much I (think i) defy (certain) social norms and traditions, am still confined by them.

Even though behaviors represent your inner self, being a representation, they are for show, at least partly.

***
重整旗鼓吧。

既然對之前交的proposal唔太肯定，咁就係assessors saw it through your uncertainty i.e.阿Q地：入唔到好過入錯｡
那就再寫一份更愛的：找個好後殖來讀｡

Perseverance and self-growth.

more than intuition

you don't have to be told to know

that your nose is blocked
you know because you feel it yourself - you can't breath
you live the unbreathable life

there are just so many things in life like this
you should know without being told
because you feel it, you experience it, you live it
you don't have to be told to know

you can feel it experience it and live it and still "not know"
because you choose to
but it's "not knowing" in a different form
a form called "in denial"

you can choose to tell yourself that your nose is not blocked
be it because you are delusional,
because you haven't learnt what blockage is or maybe what nose is,
because you believe in self-fulfilling prophecy
but your nose is still blocked.
fact. period.

nose blockage is not decided by your belief nor your intuition.
a nose doesn't have its own mind to fulfill its mission

it's a physical condition.

factors can be out of your control, external to yourself, like epidemics
a nose is a combination of things like airways, sinus, mucus, skin and nerves (and many more)

likely not that delusional, relaxed, ignorant and not cynical
at what point has being in denial done good?

at least the weather is beautiful today

http://thegradcafe.com/survey/index.php?t=m&pp=250

PLEASE
I CAN'T BREATH
I'M SO NERVOUS I CAN'T BREATH

think the right things

don't think
because thinking leads to pain

remember the so many times you just get pretty depressed lying in bed thinking
thinking about random things
things you make up in your head
or sporadic things in life the unconnected dots

and
you try to connect them even though you know it's wrongly done
so there are never concrete lines drawn
but dashes

and
dashes are for emphasis, to interrupt or to indicate abrupt change of thought
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/dashes.asp
what of you is that?
what of you deserves dashes?
nothing really or is there
all but something you make up to _
to earn sympathy
for show
to look rough and smart and
whimsical

be harsh
to others and to yourself
i thought i might have become cold enough to be indestructible
quite indestructible
i might have kept my walls not skyscrapers' high, but i burnt the bricks before laying, thickened them with soil and concrete; and planted thorns around them

but there is a new wise old happy man
went through the more grim things the merrier
aging is scary but he makes aging seems like gold
maybe silver starting from the hair

maybe it's not about not thinking - but distraction
put your attention where it deserves it
where it will be valued and proven useful

and i used to loathe utilitarianism
thought i was romantic
bleh.

not antonyms